Summer days

( Written on my iPhone)
I havent written in ages, so I figured that I’d write a little just to let you all know that I’m still alive and doing pretty okay (:

For almost three months ago I started using Zoloft for to treat my depression and anxiety, and as far as I can tell they are working pretty well for me.

Ages ago, as many of you know, I was put on fluxotine for about six months with NO effect what so ever, so I was pretty desperate you could say.

With this medication I actually had an positive effect the second or third day, which for me is pretty amazing.
And knowing me, I just brushed it off for the reason that I just had a good period of time, so I guess you could say that I was pretty sceptical, because of how my mum and step dad’s acting when there’s talk about medication of any sort.

So after I quit fluxotine, I went a long time with no medication at all, even though I was offered to start on my current one, but I was too insecure and had so much pressure from my mum and such, so I decided not to take up on the offer. But a while later my problems got worse, suicidal thoughts and a very unstable mood and such, I got the offer again, and after a lot of discussion I found out that trying out Zoloft was the best option for me, and I don’t regret it, well not much anyway.

You see, when I’m on Zoloft I feel like I don’t have any problems, mostly.

And surely that would be a good thing, right? Yeah, I wish, but the thing is that if I feel like I dont have any issues, what do I talk about with my therapist about then? I dont want to quit having weekly sessions with her, I dont feel close to ready enough for that at all.

So I somewhat want my issues back so I can work on them, and get rid of them instead of just using the medication and just going on with my life not solving them, and then when I quit using them, it will all come back? Then I’ll be back to where I started, wont I?

You could say that I am a little lost on that matter. Sure I get a break from most of my issues, but for what good? I wont get a chance to work on them if I dont feel like I have them anymore, even though I know better.

I probably should ask my therapist about this on wednesday.

Do any of you have any opinions or something to say on this matter? I’m all ears.

Is it really?

Lately I’ve been wondering, or rather maybe realizing that all thats going on with me, the anxiety and depression and such, It’s really all my fault.

I got myself into this mess (not on purpose tho) and by doing that, I’ve hurt all those who love and care about me. It’s kind of selfish, don’t you think? That’s at least how I feel about it, selfish.

I guess I’ve blamed my ‘dad’ for it, which isn’t right because It’s I who got myself into this mess. Sure others may have a small part of it, but it’s mostly myself I have to blame.

I don’t know why I keep thinking about it, why It’s so important to have someone to blame, but at the same time I know I can’t, I’m not allowed to blame anyone else for my mess. I’m not sure how to explain it but it’s like I’m not allowed to blame anyone but myself, if that makes any sense that it is.

Another thing is that I’m sort of worried about what’s going to happen on the 26th this month, me and my mum, probably my step dad too, to discuss the medication I’m going to be taking, but that’s not what I’m worried about. The fact that the last time I started taking medication, mum got me admitted to the psych ward for a week, and I asked her about that, if she would do that if there were a minor suicide risk this time as well, and she said maybe, she didn’t know. But I’m worried I’ll end up there again. Sure if she wants me to, and the doctors agree to it, I’ll do it just so she’ll stop worrying, but I’m also worried that it’ll make things worse.

When my new therapist mentioned that I had been a reason to worry my old therapist for quite a while, cause she was afraid I’d kill myself, and that triggered me, because I don’t usually talk about that, it’s scary. Why? Because I know a part of me craves it, but it’s not strong enough to push me into having suicidal thoughts or plans or anything, but it’s still worrying.

Another part of me wants to have me admitted to the ward for a while, to get better, but I know what I’m dealing with isn’t serious enough for that, unless I turn suicidal, which I’m not.

I’m scared of the ward, and I’m scared of the suicidal thoughts or behavior or what to call it. So I guess I’m sort of stuck, just like I’ve been for quite a while.

 

Writing

One of my favourite things to do is to write, I used to write a lot, from songs, to poems, even texts.

But lately, or it’s actually been like this for quite a while, that I am unable to write anything meaningful before the protests starts. I feel it through my body, like its screaming no, and wipes out my thoughts, either completely, or only half of them, leaving me frustrated and terribly confused, and as you might know, its not good feelings to have.

I’ve explained the issue with my mind in pervious posts, so I don’t think I’ll have to explain it any further.

I’m diagnosed with depression and social anxiety, but I’m so many times left wondering if there might be something more, or something entirely different “wrong” with me. The way my mind acts is like it has a mind of its own. Like when I’m struggling, and people, usually my boyfriend tries to help, he says things that are right, things I should listen to, and I want to, because I know it could maybe help, but that’s where my mind kicks in and starts denying it, protesting against it, making me believe the opposite of what’s right for me, even though I know so well that what he said is or was true, I just can’t make myself believe in it, just because my mind makes me believe otherwise.

It’s rather difficult to explain, even for me.

I’m sitting here with my mind completely empty, as I do every time I attempt to make a post, it’s frustrating because it makes me unable to put words on what I’m feeling. It’s like a constant battle with myself, where the only thing I can do is sit and watch, because I have no idea what to do, or how to even “fight” it, because, it’s me, myself.

I’m starting on medications again soon, so I’m just hoping that they’ll work.

I’m left with this feeling like no matter what I write, it’s meaningless, it does not mean anything to anyone. But I guess that’s because I’m unable to explain things properly, so I feel like I’m not getting anywhere with this.

Hopeless. And again it seems to me that my mind has won.

 

I want to recover.

I know I do want this, I want to get better, smile and be happy, without all this.

But the thing is, I don’t know how to do it or what to do.

My mum doesn’t think I’m doing much to try to get better, but I try, I go to therapy, and I talk about my problems and try to figure them out. I don’t really know what else to do either.

My therapist wants me on medication again, and I have somewhat mixed feelings about it, but at the same time it’s like I don’t even bother to care about it. Like I’ve stopped caring about almost everything.

One of my biggest issues is my anxiety, and the fact that I don’t know what to do about it or even how to get better. I face my “fears” every day, I go outside, I’m around people, but still no changes made. I’m doing what my mum did, she faced her fears, and it helped her, so why can’t it help me?

She’s telling me to go out more, go on walks, hang out with friends. But the thing is, the reason I stay in my room most of the time is because it’s safe, I’m only around myself and only have to deal with my own feelings. And another reason I don’t go out much is because I don’t really have that much friends.

I can’t force my cousin to hang out with me all the time, sure we have fun together and get along really well, but she has a life and friends, and I don’t want to interrupt that.  And the truth is, I don’t really feel that I fit in with them, or anywhere for that matter.

When I’m in a good mood, and laugh, smile and talk a lot, I feel like I’m finally myself, the person I want to be. But the question is; will I ever be that person, all the time? If so, how?

One thing I want more than anything is for my head to shut up, stop protesting and let me try things for once. For once I want to be in control. I just have to figure out how.

I don’t want to be stuck like this for the rest of my life, just the thought is unbearable.

It’s almost like I’m unable to make decisions, concerning others and myself alone.  When it comes down to myself its because I don’t trust myself, I’m afraid that I might have hidden motives for myself, crazy huh? And when it’s choices concerning others, I’m afraid of making the wrong choice, even when it comes to deciding what to eat, because I don’t care if it’s not right for me, as long as that other person gets what he or she wants.

My head’s a mess as usual, and things don’t really mean anything, or make sense for that matter, so I’ll just leave it at this.

 

 

Hello?

Yeah, It’s me again.

I haven’t written in ages, because honestly, I’m not sure what to write about. I’m always worried that my mind will get messed up again, and again, and yet again. Just like it always does when I try to write, at least when it’s sort of personal that is.

I always feel like I’m not good enough, just when I was self harming, the cuts got deep and wide, but yet, I had this idea inside my head that it wasn’t good enough, they weren’t good enough. They were OK if I could see the flesh and if they were wide. But still they were not even close to good enough. Insane, I know, but that’s how my mind worked, and still does.

I am today three months and eight days harm free. And honestly, it haven’t really been that difficult to not do it, but these last days, even this last week, have been somewhat difficult. I’m swinging between anger and sadness, followed by numbness. And I, who does not handle feeling emotions very well, find it very difficult.

I feel like my mind has control, but that I am not in control of it, if that makes any sense? Like if I step on the scales, and I have gained weight, I am devastated, and my mind goes on and on about losing weight, even starving, and when people try to help by giving me advice on how to lose weight, all I hear is protests, because they mention food, eating more often, eating more. I know that they are trying to help because they are worried, but it’s difficult when my mind does not seem to cooperate.

One part of my mind goes on about losing weight (not all the time), and the other one goes on about how I can’t do it, there’s no point because I won’t make it anyways, and things like that.

I know I should stay away from the scales, but I can’t. I want to feel good about myself, and the only time I do, is simply when I’ve lost weight.

My head is always a mess, I know the difference between the “sick” thoughts, and the healthy ones, the “normal” ones, but yet, why do I believe the “sick” ones over the healthy ones? Why do they make more sense to me? For now, I do not know why, but I hope it will be the other way around some day.

I find it very strange, and a little worrying that my own mind is working against my “recovery”, even though I do not really have anything to recover from, do I?

I know I have issues with things, others would call it problems, but I cannot see it as problems. Why? Because they are not serious enough to be considered as problems to me. I simply cannot accept that I have a problem, if I do.

There’s probably a lot more to say about this, but it’s all I got a hold of for the time being.

xx

Hmmm

It’s rather strange to think about; well not really for me though, but if people knew what went on in my head, I guess they would find it strange, maybe even worrisome.

Having thoughts, seeing short clips inside your head of yourself losing control, even though I don’t think it has ever happened. Slamming my wrists, my head, into things, walls, corners, hoping to inflict damage on myself, to lose control and just go for it, not just imagine it.  But, I don’t know, maybe it just isn’t me? Or is it because I’m too worried about the others around me? Maybe that’s why I don’t do it?

I imagine ways to kill myself, or to harm myself. Like how to bring loads of pills into the psych ward, or even razors for that matter. I think it through.

And I guess to me, this isn’t strange at all. But I know very well, that it should be.

When it comes to food, I certainly do not want to lose control, I want to eat less and less. I even have thoughts about how I want to be just skin and bones, even though I know it’s not very nice to look at or anything. I’m not even sure why I have thoughts like that sometimes, because, oh well I don’t know that either.

I guess that strange has become what’s “normal” to me.

It’s like I have all these sentences and words floating inside my head, but I can’t grasp them. I know they’re there, but I can’t put them into words. I guess it’s more sort of a feeling, mixed up with some words, floating around in there.

Sometimes I can grab a hold of something; sometimes the whole sentence or the whole thing, and some times, I can only get a part of it, or nothing at all.

I’ve struggled mentally for some years now, and I notice that if I get ill, like get a cold or the flu or what it is, everything gets harder to handle. Cause then I have the mental things, which is all in my head, and a physical thing added to it. And it’s really tough.

I’ve been sort of numb for days now, but luckily not the bad kind, just calm numbness; I’ve just not felt anything. It’s just like the only thing I do is exist. And for a change, I want to feel something.

Sadly the only way I know how is to harm myself.

When I think of my mind, the first thing that comes to mind is disorted, yeah I’m not sure how to spell it either. It’s messed up, piles of words and memories, flashbacks and wishes, and you name it, basically everywhere. Again, the only way I know how to get some clarity is to cut, to feel the relief. And just like a puzzle, every piece falls back into place.  Soon enough to be messed up again, but for some reason it seems to be worth it, strange isn’t it?

I’ve been clean since 28^th of October, and I don’t really think much of it, nor am I proud. I just don’t care I guess.

I know I shouldn’t slip up, because then I’ll feel bad, and maybe a little paranoid, keep wondering who knows, if anyone knows, and to keep pulling my clothes down, where I did the damage.

Another thing that bothers me, well sort of, is to make decisions concerning others, like if I’m eating with someone and they ask me what we should eat, either pizza or Chinese, I just can’t decide. I couldn’t care less about what I want, as long as I don’t pick the wrong option for the person involved.

It probably didn’t make much sense either, but that’s my heads speciality, to not make anything make sense.

It’s all inside my head.

That’s basically where all the shit starts, in your own mind, created by yourself. But we’re just merely humans, and I guess we’re just supposed to be that complicated?

I have been told numerous of times exactly that ” it’s all in your head”.  And I can’t deny the fact that it’s true. But it’s something each and every one of us has to find out how to work on, to figure out the triggers, what you’re afraid of and what, and all the other things that come with that, and in the end, you get to the cause of the problem, maybe even the main problem as well.

No, it’s not easy at all, but for us to be able to move on, we have to do so. It’s hard, exhausting, might bring you on the edge, you want to give up, but you can’t. You know why? Because then all your efforts and progress will be for nothing.

I think I’m one of many who wish they could just open their mind and grab a problem, instead of using ages to find it, find the cause, or what it is you do. Grabbing a problem, and looking into it, like a  book.

But sadly life isn’t like that, and so far as we know, we humans don’t work like that.

Eating disorders, anxiety, depression and who knows what. It’s all in your head. 

I, myself react very strongly to this phrase, it makes me, angry? Annoyed? I’m not sure, but it brings out feelings in me, even though I know that it’s true, I still have my mind struggling to accept it(?)

Our minds are a strange place, it’s endless, you can lose yourself in it, get stuck, drown in confusion or who knows what. But I guess that’s what makes us humans, humans.

–

It’s strange how I’ve managed to somehow convince myself that I am not in control of my own mind, my own feelings, because, my mind, my feelings, are me.  But it doesn’t feel like it. And that’s probably because I’ve told myself that I don’t have control, for so long.

Tell yourself something long enough, you’ll start to believe it.

–

Yeah, another look inside my mind and my thoughts. It probably doesn’t make much sense, not even to me, I think.

Oh well, it’s better to write about what’s on my mind at this second, than to write nothing at all.

Control?

It’s strange, how things work out, how they affect you.

Like, if I don’t have a session with my therapist in weeks, everything goes downhill, and in the worst cases, I turn suicidal and things like that. And now, I’ve started with TFT, as I’ve said in previous posts. And what we’re focusing on is my eating, because it seems to me that I may be sort of scared of food. I haven’t figured that out yet. Anyhow, my point is that when I have session, and after a session, I’m able to not be so conscious about what I eat and how much and things like that, but if I don’t have a session in a long time, I go back to my old habits. Eating gets more difficult, I don’t eat if I’m hungry, and only eat a little amount of food twice a day, sometimes once.  I’m scared of eating too much, having too many meals.

It’s strange, because a part of me wants to not eat, and I’m guessing that’s my anxiety mixed with self destruction. Like it’s a replacement for my harming. I don’t really know, but that’s what I’m guessing it is.

I don’t know how people can force themselves to eat when your mind tells you not to, that you do not want food.

I do not want to eat, but still I do. Why?  My reason is that I lack self control.

I cannot control anything in my life, nor make decisions on my own. And eating, that’s something I can control. But yet, I fail at it. Again, and again, and again.

What I’ve had today is, my vitamins, a glass of milk, some fizzy drink, some chocolate, dinner; a potato, one carrot, and some bites of sausage. And a little rice pudding.   Seeing it like this is so overwhelming. It’s so much. Too much.

Yet I know that it’s not. But my mind wont realize it, won’t believe it.

I wish I knew how to fix it. But the real question is, do I want to?

I’m never doing anything for myself, I just can’t. So I’m trying because of my boyfriend, because it worries him so much. But at the same time, I can’t take myself seriously, I don’t see that I have a problem with food, because it swings so much. How can I have a problem with food when I still eat?

When I eat, and smell or see food after, I feel sick. I just want to get away from it. It feels more like disgust than anxiety, but I don’t know anymore.

I just have my mind telling me that I do not want food, that I do not want to eat.

I just don’t know what to do.

Counting the days.

I can’t believe its christmas soon, in like what, sixteen days?

It’s quite weird to think about, but this year I actually look forward to christmas, besides the food. I still have an issue with food.  I haven’t looked forward to christmas in years, I don’t even remember the last time I was excited about it.

As usual my thoughts get all mixed up and thought half way through before another one cuts it off and starts with a new one. It’s actually never easy to write anymore, but I like, maybe even love to write, so I cannot let that stop me.

I’ve started with my new therapy now (Thought Field Therapy) and it seems to work, slowly, but I notice small differences. Which is a good thing right?

I’m really not sure what to write, but for some reason a comment I got really made me in the mood to write again. One of my old friends from 1st year of college, Ingrid.  When I saw her comment it made me realize just how much I miss the people at my old school. I even miss my old best friend, a heck of a lot.  But I know we’re better off like this, apart.

I remember around this time last year, I remember it being tough, not going into school very often, and me being I’ll right before christmas.  We had tonnes of snow, and at christmas eve I was sad, not sure why, but I think it had something to do with my dad, so hopefully this years christmas will be better.

Well enough dwelling on the past.

Guess what, the 28th this month I’m going to see my boyfriend again and spend new years with him and his family, which’ll be nice, I’m excited to go to England again.  And I can’t think of a better way to start the new year than with my boyfriend there with me.

Right this moment I’m just sitting in my room, under my covers and listening to the rain.  The snow will go for sure, and it will probably be even more slippery tomorrow. But hey, at least I can hope that there will be snow for christmas eve.  Fingers crossed.

I’m just feeling really calm, but at the same time kind of empty, and tired as always.  I wish this could change soon, I really do. But as my boyfriend tends to say; It takes time.

So I guess I just have to wait, wait and see what happens.  Because, maybe it will get better, maybe I’ll allow myself to hope that it will soon, or even once?

We’ll see, but for now, I’ll wait.

Figuring it out.

I haven’t been writing here in like forever, but yet, here I am again.

A lot has been going on the past time, like healing, just started TFT (Thought field therapy), quitting my meds, harm free since 28th of October. And Loads of suicidal thoughts.

But I got through it, I’m prepared to fight it. I also found out I have anxiety slash depression, so that explains a lot to me.

This is just kind of like an update, but maybe it’ll turn out to be something completely different when I’m done, you never know with me.

Feeling -> Anxiety -> Defense

What this means is kind of how I work. I have anxiety towards loads of things, but most about my own feelings. As many of you out there who’s following my blog knows, I keep my feelings inside so I don’t have to feel them because it gets too intense. Bad habit I know, now I just have to find out how to stop doing just that. But I’m working on it.

So I get a feeling, but its just a brief second so I don’t really notice it, and that leads to anxiety, and when it’s too intense it leads to my defense which in my case is urges or suicidal thoughts.  That’s pretty much me.

But I’m hoping I won’t be like this forever.

I’ll make it, with treatment and without any medication. I’m nowhere prepared, because the truth is, you can’t. You can’t be ready for everything life throws at you, you just have to deal with it any way you can, or get help from others to deal with it and move on. Sounds pretty easy, but I’m guessing everyone who’s ever had to face an obstacle in life knows it isn’t that easy at all.

But the first step is admitting that you can’t do it alone (if that’s the case) and get help to sort it out, no matter how long it takes.

I’ve been like this for what, four-ish years now, and I’m finally ready to fight it. Well I can never be ready I think, but if I don’t try to change, I never will.

I got the support I need, my boyfriend and my youngest brother and of course the professionals working with me and my twisted mind. But I’ll get there in time, I’m winning this no matter what, because I’m not letting it break me.

A lot of this might not make sense to you out there, because it barely does to me, but that could be because I haven’t written in ages, who knows.

Right now my head’s pretty empty, at the same time it’s so messy and confusing. I get like the start of a thought before another one pops up and pushes the other one away. So if this post is confusing, that’s most likely why.

It’s like I feel like there’s so much I want to say or write about, but everything comes at me at once so I can’t. Another think I’ll have to work on.

But I’m curious tho, who will I be when all this is over?