Seether – Walk away from the sun


Walk away from the sun, come slowly undone
I can see in your eyes i’ve already won
I could bleed for a smile, i could cry for some fun
Walk away from the sun, and tell everyone

There’s so much left in the air
So much to tell from a stare
There’s so much left to defend
But i am no fun

So turn away from the ones, you hurt everyone
I can tell by your smile you’re coming undone
I could bleed for a smile; could die for a gun
Walk away from the sun and kill everyone

So tiny dancer beware, we’re medicated and scared
This smile is so hard to wear, but i have no gun

So turn away from the ones who hurt everyone
I can tell by your smile you’re coming undone
I could bleed for a smile; could die for a gun
Walk away from the sun and kill everyone

And you’re fading with every day
(you could’ve been the next one, should’ve been enough for me)
You’re fading with every day
(you could’ve been the next one, should’ve been enough for me)
You’re fading with every day
(you could’ve been the next one, should’ve been enough for me)
And you’re fading with every day… whoa

There’s so much left in the air
So much to tell from your stare
There’s so much left to defend
But i am no fun

And you’re fading with every day
(you could’ve been the next one, should’ve been enough for me)
You’re fading with every day
(you could’ve been the next one, should’ve been enough for me)
You’re fading with every day
(you could’ve been the next one, should’ve been enough for me)
And you’re fading with every day… whoa

Walk away from the sun
(fading with every day)
(you could’ve been the next one, should’ve been enough for me) [x4]

Long day, but Icecream helps^^


Well as you see it’s been a long day, but not in a bad day.

You see, every time it rains at the end or beginning of the day you know that it’ll be a very long day, unless you stay inside all day. But no matter how long the day seems you can’t say you hate rain, you can’t.

It’s so peaceful to sit and watch out the window, and so calming to fall asleep to, like your own personal lullaby or something.

Yeah I like, even ,love sun sometimes because it’s warm and kosy and you just feel so lazy. I would say that sun is a happy thing, it makes you happy, makes you relaxe. And rain is kind of mysterious, even sad sometimes, it’s like when you’re feeling down or sad the sky cries for you when you can’t.

I’m a kind of person who don’t cry very often, like i just can’t let them out, like they’re stuck in there, or that I some how cried the last of my tears the last time. The closest i come to crying is tears in my eyes, that’s as far as I get.

Haha all I’ve done now is talk about the weather, so maybe i should start on something else, like uhm..

oh!  I talked with my mum today, we just kept talking, and suddenly we were on about writing a book, and i told her that i had been thinking about writing a book about this, the depression etc. from start to end. And that the end comes when I’ve figured out everything, solved every problem, and worked my way through everything.

And i’ve figured out why it’s much easier to write than it is to talk about my problems; it’s because when I write I only talk to myself, like I go inside myself for the answers. And when i’m talking about it it seems like they can’t understand anything, and they want me to tell them what to do, but newsflash! I have just as little knowledge about this as you do, just because I have that sort of problem doesn’t mean i know how to get out of it, because if it were that easy i would’ve done it before it got so far. Talking about it with my mum makes me upset, irritated, because she don’t know what i mean, and only tells me things i don’t wanna hear, things that I already know.

Yeah I get it, even your parents don’t know everything about everything, but it would help a heck of a lot if they just knew a bit about it, that they could feel what I feel or have felt, that they might see this from my side. Yeah they try, but it’s not going anywhere, and i think it would be so much easier if i just could talk to someone who has dealed with my sort of problem and has gotten out of it.

But i don’t know, but i wish i did.

I wanna talk to someone about it, someone who gets me, someone who has felt the way i feel, but where shall I look for such a person?

I appriciate everything that people has done for me, i really do, and i don’t wanna sound ungrateful, but this is just how I feel. And i think that it would be so much easier for everyone if i talked to a professional about it, someone who has delt with this before, and can tell me what to do.

Just because you ask the right question, you might not always get the right answer.

ShadowLicious

hmms.. work in progress I guess


I’ve been told to write a list of things that are positive about me, and negative ones.  So i’ll have something to work with, to get rid of my insecurity, i just hope it works.

I’ve been talking to a friend of mine, and a friend of my mum online, and she really wants to help, and to be honest she’s the one that helps the most. my dad’s trying to help, but all he’s accomplished is to make me more insecure about talking to him about it, because he reacts differently than the others, and I honestly don’t know how i’m gonna deal with it.

It’s easier to talk about normal every day stuff with him than it is to talk about personal matter, yeah i know he’s my dad, but it still doesn’t make it any easier. It’s like I don’t wanna talk to him in one way, at least not about that, but still O want him in my life, and to know that he’s there for me, but to have him in the middle of this just makes it harder.

I’m used to talk to my mum about stuff, from everything, to some problems, but nothing as serious as this, like I have an idea how my mum will react about things, and with my dad i don’t. Everyone reacts different, and that’s just how people are, but i can’t say i like the negative reactions, it makes me feel even worse than I already do..

The list will be quite a challenge for me, but I guess I just have to sit down and think. Wish me luck!

ShadowLicious

xx

fright.. I can’t say I like it


I’ve been thinking about quit blogging, because all it causes is worries. My dad reads my blog, and what I’ve written lately worries him, yeah sure he’s got the right to worry about it, it’s not like I can stop it right?

My mum and step dad allow me to write whatever I want to because they won’t read it unless they think I have problems or something. They think that that’s my personal space, where I can be honest about anything, say whatever I’d like without anyone confronting me with it or anything like that.

Right now I’m a bit scared and annoyed, because my dad wants to talk to me about it, what I’ve written, he says that he didn’t like what I wrote, that I made him worried, so maybe it’s time for me to change my writing space again?

Writing is my way of getting things out, my therapy besides music. It’s a huge part of who I am, and the way I express myself the best. I’m not very good at talking, so I write, in that way it’s easier to tell what’s on my mind or what I’m thinking about, but also my way of discovering problems and what I’m uncertain of.

But if I don’t get to write whatever I want on my space, then who am I then?  The one thing I’m good at only makes people worry, so maybe it’s for the best to just end it?

Maybe what I wrote was too much for him to handle, for anyone to handle? But if you know you can’t take what I’ve got to say, then why go to my page and read it?

At the start when I first started blogging, for about 1 year ago or so I was afraid of what others might think about what I write, would they confront me with it? I could never be 100% honest even though I never lied.  All since I told people what I do to myself it’s been much easier to write about how I really feel, what I do care about, much easier to be me.

I could be honest and don’t give a shit about what others thought about it, but the phone call with my dad changed it a bit, it made me unsecure again, scared.

I’ve been doing pretty well for a time now, like I just wanted to forget all the depression and stuff in the past, but still I used my blog as a silent scream for help without knowing it. But to be honest it was so much easier when my parents didn’t know about it, when they didn’t know anything.

My blog is my own personal space, and if both my parents trust and respect me, then why do they have to go and read it? It’s like a diary to me except that I decide what I wanna tell, and what needs to be told.

To me it’s never been about how many readers or comments I get, it’s been about letting other people know what it’s like to feel the way I feel, to let others know what I think about stuff and to get all my feelings out instead of talking to someone face to face.

It’s not that easy for me to talk to anybody, wither it’s my mum or my best friend, I can’t just randomly walk up to someone I know and talk about it, it’s just not possible for me, I can’t do it, I don’t dare. I’m too scared.

I wanna help others, which are so much easier than letting others help you with personal matter, to let them in, to tell them how you feel, what you think.

I’ve never been able to do that, I just shut everything up inside me, that’s so much easier. So I started to write, then I at least get some of it out, not everything, but a piece of it.

Right now I regret telling everyone, publishing it on my blog, it was so much easier without anyone knowing, but at the same time I don’t regret it because I don’t have to hide it, I don’t have to worry about everybody seeing it.

I don’t want help, but I wanna get everything sorted out, it’s not a matter of wanting something, I need it.  But I don’t want that attention on me, it freaks me out. I’m scared, I don’t wanna talk about it, and I don’t like it when people make me talk about it face to face, I just don’t feel comfortable.

Now you know what I feel about that.

ShadowLicious

xx

Plastic, just like a barbie doll.


As plastic as a Barbie doll, that’s what my smiles, my face is like today.

This awful sad or even depressed feeling I’ve got, it’s a curse, but yet a relief. A known feeling, something I’m familiar with, something I know how to handle, just not how to prevent it from happening.

They say that laughter is the best medicine, and sometimes it is. All I need to cheer up is to laugh, to find something that keeps my mind busy instead of thinking about what I’m feeling.

A lot of people I have heard about and some that I know have tried to commit suicide, it’s sad, but I get them. I envy them in one way; they have the courage to do something like that. And I know that I have the same courage inside me, I’m just too much of a wimp to show it, or do something like that. I think way too much about others, how they would feel about it than I think about what I need, what I want.

I can’t even count the number of times I’ve walked up the street close to my home and walked past that blind spot, where there’s a bush that blinds you so you can’t see if there is any upcoming cars or anything. I’ve pictured it so many times, how the car comes and runs me over, but it never happens.

Yes I’m selfish, I know. To only think about it makes me ashamed, but I can’t help it, wondering how much easier everybody’s lives would’ve been without my problems. They didn’t have to worry about me harming myself or anything.

I don’t like people worrying about me, but yet they always do.

I remember last year, I think it was in November or something, at least it was cold outside. It was in 9th grade, and we had cooking classes, and the window right in front of the table showed the kindergarten across the street, and behind it there was a really tall building, and all I ever wanted was to jump from it, to kill myself.

I’ve never told anyone that. And every time I took my youngest brother to kindergarten I walked past that building thinking “Why haven’t I done it yet?  Will I ever be brave enough to jump? “, I really wanted to, but never had the courage.

I think too much, look at everything from every angle possible, look at every option, consequence and reason. I never jumped because I knew I was going to hurt someone deeply by going away.

But every time I’ve felt down I’ve had a savior, Scott, he’s a friend of mine from England, and he’s the one that stopped me from trying to kill myself in April.  He saved my life, he convinced me to talk to my mum, to tell her how I felt and how scared and confused I was.

He’s always there from me when I need him, and I try to be there for him too.  He’s the closest guy friend I have, he’s not fake, and he’s honest.

We know each other better than anyone, he knows me better than anyone I know. He helps me with what he can, and even though he thinks he’s not helping me much at all, he’s saying exactly what I need to hear, and I don’t know what I would do without him.

Never underestimate the power of a friendship.

ShadowLicious

xx

Humor, that’s all you need.


I’ve had so many funny and interesting conversations in my life, but english boys has the most amazing humor in the world, all from smoking sawks (Reece) to marrige (scott) and so much randome awesomeness (Danneh,Jameson,Nicky(girl).)

You find so many hillarious people online, you make friends for life sometimes. You talk almost every day about everything and nothing, it’s all about having fun with talking to them.

One of my friends, Therese is in England right now on vacation, and we’re like we can talk in some sort of codes, we say a word and then just crack down and laugh while the others don’t understand anything.

that’s the beauty of best friends, you don’t have just one, you have many.  You can laugh with them, even cry, get angry or annoyed. They’re there for you always.

In a friendship the most important things are : Laughter, honesty and trust.  The three main tings, that’s really all you need.

I can’t even count how many friends i’ve made online, how many times they’ve made me laugh or think. Some of them mean as much to me as my friends here, i help them with what i can, support them and give advice when i can. It goes both ways.

You make memories with them, make jokes, times you’ll remember for the rest of your life.

Boyfriends lasts a while, but friends last until eternity.

ShadowLicious

xx

weirdness


I was in a pretty weird mood yesterday, from happy to rock bottom to happy again, but mmm yeah I don’t really know how to explain it, can anyone really know why they get one certain feeling?

Okay yeah some can say why they feel hunger, or love, and even happiness and sometimes sadness and anger. But why do we get angry, or sad when it’s just all bad emotions? Things we don’t wanna feel, but still feel every day.

Isn’t there a way to always look on the bright side, and if you et annoyed you could just focus in something else, take time to breathe, to take a step back.  I know that it’s easier said than done, but wouldn’t it be so much easier to be you every day if you could do that?

I would give anything to not feel sadness and regret, anything. But there’s no cure for it, because if you don’t wanna end up regretting things you’ll never experience anything, learn anyting. Yeah there are things that i regret, that you regret, but it’s a part of life. Emotions are what makes us human, which seperates us from the animals, the plants, every creature on this planet.

But then again, does the animals have feelings, just that it hasn’t been discovered yet? hmms.. I think that they must feel something else than pain. Just look at the dogs, when they’re pups the mother is there for them, she protects them, she loves them. So I think that animals do have feelings, just in another way than us.

I just woke up, so i’m really tired, but not enough to sleep for some reason.

Weirdness is awesome, remember that.

ShadowLicious

xx