fright.. I can’t say I like it

I’ve been thinking about quit blogging, because all it causes is worries. My dad reads my blog, and what I’ve written lately worries him, yeah sure he’s got the right to worry about it, it’s not like I can stop it right?

My mum and step dad allow me to write whatever I want to because they won’t read it unless they think I have problems or something. They think that that’s my personal space, where I can be honest about anything, say whatever I’d like without anyone confronting me with it or anything like that.

Right now I’m a bit scared and annoyed, because my dad wants to talk to me about it, what I’ve written, he says that he didn’t like what I wrote, that I made him worried, so maybe it’s time for me to change my writing space again?

Writing is my way of getting things out, my therapy besides music. It’s a huge part of who I am, and the way I express myself the best. I’m not very good at talking, so I write, in that way it’s easier to tell what’s on my mind or what I’m thinking about, but also my way of discovering problems and what I’m uncertain of.

But if I don’t get to write whatever I want on my space, then who am I then?  The one thing I’m good at only makes people worry, so maybe it’s for the best to just end it?

Maybe what I wrote was too much for him to handle, for anyone to handle? But if you know you can’t take what I’ve got to say, then why go to my page and read it?

At the start when I first started blogging, for about 1 year ago or so I was afraid of what others might think about what I write, would they confront me with it? I could never be 100% honest even though I never lied.  All since I told people what I do to myself it’s been much easier to write about how I really feel, what I do care about, much easier to be me.

I could be honest and don’t give a shit about what others thought about it, but the phone call with my dad changed it a bit, it made me unsecure again, scared.

I’ve been doing pretty well for a time now, like I just wanted to forget all the depression and stuff in the past, but still I used my blog as a silent scream for help without knowing it. But to be honest it was so much easier when my parents didn’t know about it, when they didn’t know anything.

My blog is my own personal space, and if both my parents trust and respect me, then why do they have to go and read it? It’s like a diary to me except that I decide what I wanna tell, and what needs to be told.

To me it’s never been about how many readers or comments I get, it’s been about letting other people know what it’s like to feel the way I feel, to let others know what I think about stuff and to get all my feelings out instead of talking to someone face to face.

It’s not that easy for me to talk to anybody, wither it’s my mum or my best friend, I can’t just randomly walk up to someone I know and talk about it, it’s just not possible for me, I can’t do it, I don’t dare. I’m too scared.

I wanna help others, which are so much easier than letting others help you with personal matter, to let them in, to tell them how you feel, what you think.

I’ve never been able to do that, I just shut everything up inside me, that’s so much easier. So I started to write, then I at least get some of it out, not everything, but a piece of it.

Right now I regret telling everyone, publishing it on my blog, it was so much easier without anyone knowing, but at the same time I don’t regret it because I don’t have to hide it, I don’t have to worry about everybody seeing it.

I don’t want help, but I wanna get everything sorted out, it’s not a matter of wanting something, I need it.  But I don’t want that attention on me, it freaks me out. I’m scared, I don’t wanna talk about it, and I don’t like it when people make me talk about it face to face, I just don’t feel comfortable.

Now you know what I feel about that.




2 thoughts on “fright.. I can’t say I like it

  1. You write very…very well… I know as a father that your dad is just worried and wants to help…cant be easy for your parents to read your thoughts especially as you say you find it hard to talk openly. Keep blogging if it helps Reb. If you want to talk to me im here anytime ok.x

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