Song of my life: Papa roach – Scars


I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I’m feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I’m pissed cause you came around
Why don’t you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can’t help you fix yourself
You’re making me insane
All I can say is

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you’re drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion’s in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I’m drunk and I’m feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn’t ever come around
Why don’t you just go home?
Cause you’re drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
I left my heart open
But you didn’t understand
But you didn’t understand
Go fix yourself

I can’t help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I’m sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can’t help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I’m sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

A light in a dark tunnel.


Well my day started out pretty okay, and just got better and better before it became shitty. Or at least I felt it was.

So far there’s only been one good and positive thing about this day.. I found the song I’ve been looking for, it describes how I feel almost word by word. It tells about trying to help others, helping them fixing their lives, their problems, but not making it since those you’re helping doesn’t realize that you’re helping them.  You can’t fix any ones lives, not by yourself, but you can help someone along the way of recovery.

I’ve been almost breaking down in tears quite a few times today, and I have no idea why. All I know is that I read about confidence, and some Norwegian song lines that came along, but the really strange thing is that it was all facts. But I think that the reason why I became so emotional was because I could relate to those words, and still can.

I pretend to be so confident all the time, all chatty and bubbly and full of life and laughs, and I’m myself, but at the same time I’m hiding myself behind me if you get me? Probably not, but you can’t blame a girl for trying?

Right now there’s only one person I wanna talk to, the one person who always talks with me about this, makes me feel better, and keeps reminding me of how much he and everyone else loves and cares about me, he cheers me up with kind words and jokes. He’s always there for me, and I don’t know what I’d do without him.

I guess asking for help is easy, but only when you know what you want help with, so how am I supposed to ask for help when I don’t know what, or how to describe it? Nobody can understand what I’m feeling because they aren’t me; they’ve never felt what I do. But I appreciate every effort people make to try to help me, I really do, I just dislike the fact that they’re asking me what I want them to do, what they can do, but I have no idea myself.

I know I’ll overcome this, get these feelings away, thoughts, I wanna help people with the same kind of problems, because if I can get out of this, so can they.

I think about a lot of stuff, like death, suicide, others with same problems, the past.. I can push all those thoughts away, but they’ll just come back sooner or later, it’s nothing you can run from, you need to figure everything out puzzle by puzzle until you’ve got the whole picture. But I know I can’t put together the whole picture by myself, and I know that I’m not alone, I just don’t know where to start..

They say start with the biggest problem and work your way through, but what if you have no clue which one that’s the biggest when you’ve convinced yourself that you don’t really have a problem? All I do is keep on living, trying to forget something that just won’t be forgotten, it won’t let me.

But I ask myself, how is it possible to forget a part of you? Something you’ve lived with every day for over two years, how do you, how can you forget such a thing? I say you can’t, because when you’ve overcome your problem you’ll have some new life experiences, some you might be able to share with others that might be able to have similar problems.

I say that everything happens for a reason, so maybe my problems were destined to come? It just needed something to get the track on going. Maybe it was because I couldn’t take no more drama at home, I honestly don’t know. Right now I’m guessing.

I fight a constant battle with myself with something I know I shouldn’t do, but wanna do, and something I know isn’t right, for me or others. Yeah I’m talking about self harming.

I haven’t done it in a few weeks, maybe even longer ago, so I can say I’m pretty pleased with that. I know I can, but sometimes when I just feel horrible it’s hard to resist temptation, no matter how wrong it is.

This is what I can, this is what I do. My kind of online journal to share my ups and downs and keeping people in my life posted on what’s really going on. I’m talking in one way, but with my mouth closed.

All I know is that I’ve gotta push towards my goal, to get better, feel better inside, to be more confident in big crowds. I’ll make it, I know I will, it just takes time, and loads of patience and help from others.  I’m not giving up again, no matter how hard things get, how dark it seems, I always know that there’s a light in the tunnel, and that light’s called hope.

Keep fighting, keep believing.

xx

ShadowLicious

things you never expected


Expect the unexpected is my advice for today.

It’s never easy to tell someone that you like them, has a crush on the or fancy then etc. But sometimes it just has to be done. And the shocking part is that he might just feel the same.

I honestly don’t know what to write right now, I’m just too shocked. And excited.

A guy that accepts you for who you are, that’s always there for you, someone you can talk to about everything.

I’ll write more later, so I’ll just put in my newest song. Leave a comment and tell me what you think?

Close your eyes, It’s my turn now.

I’m so scared

I don’t know where to hide or look

I wonder wheres the love you took

You leave me here with empty lies

I’ve had enough of your sad goodbyes

You left me broken

And with nothing left

I feel regret, but is it real?

Is it what you wanted me to feel?

.

I’m broken, but somehow relieved

I knew it, I know it, and I wasn’t the one

I couldn’t hold you back no matter how hard I tried

I can’t change, not for you

I am who I am in your point of view

.

People don’t change in the matter of seconds

For a different reality you pull the trigger and let go of your fears

Because nothing’s left but your empty tears

Let them go, let them shine

You know it’s your turn, no need to wait

Just pull the trigger and let go of your hate

.

You’re free now

It’s your turn to shine

They’re sorry they lost you

But they’re better without

They just were there

But did they care?

Did they see what you did to me?

You made me regret

You made me hate

But now that I’m gone I know it’s my fate

.

So close your eyes and dream now

We’ll meet again somehow

xx

ShadowLicious

it’s the small things that change the world :3


Sorry for not posting anything new lately, I’ve been kind of busy with the whole college thing, and I’ve honestly don’t been in the mood or been inspired to write anything before now.

My most favorite season is up, fall, you see how the trees and bushes and even the grass some places goes from summer green to yellow, orange, red and brown, and still somehow some of the green remains. The fall is mysterious, and kind of dark, so maybe that’s why I like it so much?

The weather’s getting slightly colder, and the days darker, more rain, and maybe some late evening walks. You can even smell the fall in the air, you can feel it creeping up and washing away every trace of summer.

I love cold weather, but not too cold though. Imagine yourself walking down the street, in the park, or where ever you like to walk. Imagine that you’re listening to your favorite song and you just walk where ever your legs take you as the world slowly goes darker around you, you feel peaceful, happy and you’ll be able to think through things, even wonder. Doesn’t it sound great? Well at least for me it does, I honestly can’t wait.

Well since I can’t figure out what else to write I thought I might give you a little update on college.

It’s actually better than I expected, the teachers are great and I’ve also made a lot of friends, there’s only one negative thing about the school though; Too many FUCKING STAIRS! Teehee

I always doubt my choices of wither I did the right one or not. The teachers ask you what you wanna be working with, and I feel like I’m back in 2nd grade when they asked what you wanted to become when you grew up, there were a lot of answers, like fireman, police officer, a ballerina, or some said, I wanna be like my mum/dad/sister/brother or who else they wanted, but if I don’t remember wrong I think I was the one wanting to be a princess.  The choices were so easy, so simple before, because you didn’t really have that many to choose from.

This is a picture of Daniel just because he’s awesome an looks like Andy Sixx in Black Veil Brides :3 teehee

But who really knows when they’re 15-16 what they wanna do for the rest of their life, or ten years from now? I don’t, and I don’t wanna know. The future scares me, because you never know what does gonna happen in the future, or if you’ll ever have a future.

All I know is that I wanna help people, and if I can’t help them all, I can start by helping one person at the time.

All those out there that has been helped so much by a person you know and care about, never forget to appreciate what they do and try to be the one there for them when they’re the one who needs your help.

The only way is to help each other, which are the only way that we can make it somehow. No one can go through life alone, without any fears, without any smiles or fears. Say yes for others to help you when you know you need it; don’t let your pride or your fear of feeling vulnerable stand in the way of your own needs.  As long as you help others with what you can, even if it’s just listening, I’ll promise you that they won’t forget it. If you were down and no one listened, saw or cared, and suddenly one person did, wouldn’t you remember that for the rest of your life?

Just because one person can’t see that anything’s wrong, doesn’t mean that there isn’t anything wrong, or that you can’t see it.

The small differences make the biggest impact. Be that that difference, change the world.

This blog post is written August 25, 2010 10:31 pm

ShadowLicious

xx

Death, It comes and goes


Death, what’s so scary about it? It’s a natural part of life, and yeah it’s sad, but all you’ve gotta do is move on.

I don’t know why, but I’m obsessed with death and suicide mostly, like I get this strange unexplainable feeling inside me, at the same time as I envy those who could pull it through, I guess that’s one thing I’ll always envy them, their selfishness that they actually managed to leave everything and everyone behind.

I’m glad I’m still here, it’s not that, but I would really like to have a fresh start somehow.

I just wish I knew why I feel so obsessed with death and suicide, what is it with it that gets my full attention in just one heartbeat? Is it that I envy them? Yeah it could be, or is it that I wonder what were going through their head the moment they discovered and decided that they didn’t have the strength to carry on anymore?

People ask me questions about me that I still ask myself, because I don’t know more about things that you guys do. I have one benefit though, or if I can even call it that; I’ve felt it on my body, I’ve had the thoughts, the doubt, planning my escape and failing.

No matter how much shit life throws in your way you need to pull through it, show that you do have more to give even if it doesn’t seem that way. Right now I’m trying to convince myself this just as much as I am trying to make you guys see it from my side, my point of view.

I know that what I write is true, and all I’ve gotta do is believe in it myself, but it’s like they say; China wasn’t built in one day.  It takes time, and you need to be patient because things can only get worse before it gets better.

I’ve been told that I inspire people, and I think that that’s quite amazing, because I never thought my words, my thoughts and opinions would touch so many of you out there, make you think, wonder.

It’s hard to explain exactly what I feel, but I gotta try. And I think it’s going quite well, don’t you think?

People blame emotions and pain inside on puberty, period, hormones and everything else they can think of, but to be honest they don’t want reasons why they’re feeling like that, they want you to listen, really listen to them, they want someone that’s there for them every step on the way to help them et back up on their feet, to make them stronger, and maybe a better person than he or she used to be.

I really wish I spoke as well as I write, but it takes time, and I’m not giving up. It would be a lot easier on everyone if I just said what I felt, but the problem is that the words get mixed up in my head, I never find a suitable word for my feeling/s . And I can’t just walk up to my mum and say “Mum, I’m sad today” I would just feel stupid.

I know now that what I’m missing in confidence, but I seem confident to others on the outside, I talk a lot to hide it, I make jokes, make people laugh, because I don’t want them to see how unsecure I really am about myself. Not how I look, but me inside.

People try to understand, but no matter how hard they try or how hard I try to make they understand exactly what I mean it just goes wrong.

I get irritated and disappointed at them for not trying hard enough to understand, to not ask the right question, but how can I expect them to know the right question, when I’m not even sure what that is myself?

Love yourself for who you are, not only on the outside, but on the inside as well.

xx

ShadowLicious

Weird mood.. hmm?


I’ve had a really weird mood these last couple of days. I’ve been really talkative and hyper, but at night I’m down again, and to be honest I hate it, can’t stand it..

College is weird, but I like it. And the people seem more open, more willing to accept me and everyone else for who they really are.  But time will show.

My mood isn’t the best right now, I’m actually quite down, but I’m sure it’ll pass.

I have no idea what to write about, or how to write it, but i’m guessing that my weird mood might have something with the fact that I haven’t written in a while, but who knows?

Ever had a friend you just couldn’t bare to be without?  Well that’s how I feel about Scott. I met him online, but our friendship is special. And I really don’t think that I’d be here writing this text if it wasn’t for him.

Right now i’m just writing random things that comes up in my head. Like that I attract funny people, those who really are weird and has a humor accordionally  to that, but they are really awesome! And I hope that someday people will stop judging them and accepting them for who they are.  Because weirdness IS awesomeness.

I’m just gonna wrap this up, and hopefully I’ll have a better text tomorrow.

xx

ShadowLicious