Well my day started out pretty okay, and just got better and better before it became shitty. Or at least I felt it was.
So far there’s only been one good and positive thing about this day.. I found the song I’ve been looking for, it describes how I feel almost word by word. It tells about trying to help others, helping them fixing their lives, their problems, but not making it since those you’re helping doesn’t realize that you’re helping them. You can’t fix any ones lives, not by yourself, but you can help someone along the way of recovery.
I’ve been almost breaking down in tears quite a few times today, and I have no idea why. All I know is that I read about confidence, and some Norwegian song lines that came along, but the really strange thing is that it was all facts. But I think that the reason why I became so emotional was because I could relate to those words, and still can.
I pretend to be so confident all the time, all chatty and bubbly and full of life and laughs, and I’m myself, but at the same time I’m hiding myself behind me if you get me? Probably not, but you can’t blame a girl for trying?
Right now there’s only one person I wanna talk to, the one person who always talks with me about this, makes me feel better, and keeps reminding me of how much he and everyone else loves and cares about me, he cheers me up with kind words and jokes. He’s always there for me, and I don’t know what I’d do without him.
I guess asking for help is easy, but only when you know what you want help with, so how am I supposed to ask for help when I don’t know what, or how to describe it? Nobody can understand what I’m feeling because they aren’t me; they’ve never felt what I do. But I appreciate every effort people make to try to help me, I really do, I just dislike the fact that they’re asking me what I want them to do, what they can do, but I have no idea myself.
I know I’ll overcome this, get these feelings away, thoughts, I wanna help people with the same kind of problems, because if I can get out of this, so can they.
I think about a lot of stuff, like death, suicide, others with same problems, the past.. I can push all those thoughts away, but they’ll just come back sooner or later, it’s nothing you can run from, you need to figure everything out puzzle by puzzle until you’ve got the whole picture. But I know I can’t put together the whole picture by myself, and I know that I’m not alone, I just don’t know where to start..
They say start with the biggest problem and work your way through, but what if you have no clue which one that’s the biggest when you’ve convinced yourself that you don’t really have a problem? All I do is keep on living, trying to forget something that just won’t be forgotten, it won’t let me.
But I ask myself, how is it possible to forget a part of you? Something you’ve lived with every day for over two years, how do you, how can you forget such a thing? I say you can’t, because when you’ve overcome your problem you’ll have some new life experiences, some you might be able to share with others that might be able to have similar problems.
I say that everything happens for a reason, so maybe my problems were destined to come? It just needed something to get the track on going. Maybe it was because I couldn’t take no more drama at home, I honestly don’t know. Right now I’m guessing.
I fight a constant battle with myself with something I know I shouldn’t do, but wanna do, and something I know isn’t right, for me or others. Yeah I’m talking about self harming.
I haven’t done it in a few weeks, maybe even longer ago, so I can say I’m pretty pleased with that. I know I can, but sometimes when I just feel horrible it’s hard to resist temptation, no matter how wrong it is.
This is what I can, this is what I do. My kind of online journal to share my ups and downs and keeping people in my life posted on what’s really going on. I’m talking in one way, but with my mouth closed.
All I know is that I’ve gotta push towards my goal, to get better, feel better inside, to be more confident in big crowds. I’ll make it, I know I will, it just takes time, and loads of patience and help from others. I’m not giving up again, no matter how hard things get, how dark it seems, I always know that there’s a light in the tunnel, and that light’s called hope.
Keep fighting, keep believing.