Death, It comes and goes

Death, what’s so scary about it? It’s a natural part of life, and yeah it’s sad, but all you’ve gotta do is move on.

I don’t know why, but I’m obsessed with death and suicide mostly, like I get this strange unexplainable feeling inside me, at the same time as I envy those who could pull it through, I guess that’s one thing I’ll always envy them, their selfishness that they actually managed to leave everything and everyone behind.

I’m glad I’m still here, it’s not that, but I would really like to have a fresh start somehow.

I just wish I knew why I feel so obsessed with death and suicide, what is it with it that gets my full attention in just one heartbeat? Is it that I envy them? Yeah it could be, or is it that I wonder what were going through their head the moment they discovered and decided that they didn’t have the strength to carry on anymore?

People ask me questions about me that I still ask myself, because I don’t know more about things that you guys do. I have one benefit though, or if I can even call it that; I’ve felt it on my body, I’ve had the thoughts, the doubt, planning my escape and failing.

No matter how much shit life throws in your way you need to pull through it, show that you do have more to give even if it doesn’t seem that way. Right now I’m trying to convince myself this just as much as I am trying to make you guys see it from my side, my point of view.

I know that what I write is true, and all I’ve gotta do is believe in it myself, but it’s like they say; China wasn’t built in one day.  It takes time, and you need to be patient because things can only get worse before it gets better.

I’ve been told that I inspire people, and I think that that’s quite amazing, because I never thought my words, my thoughts and opinions would touch so many of you out there, make you think, wonder.

It’s hard to explain exactly what I feel, but I gotta try. And I think it’s going quite well, don’t you think?

People blame emotions and pain inside on puberty, period, hormones and everything else they can think of, but to be honest they don’t want reasons why they’re feeling like that, they want you to listen, really listen to them, they want someone that’s there for them every step on the way to help them et back up on their feet, to make them stronger, and maybe a better person than he or she used to be.

I really wish I spoke as well as I write, but it takes time, and I’m not giving up. It would be a lot easier on everyone if I just said what I felt, but the problem is that the words get mixed up in my head, I never find a suitable word for my feeling/s . And I can’t just walk up to my mum and say “Mum, I’m sad today” I would just feel stupid.

I know now that what I’m missing in confidence, but I seem confident to others on the outside, I talk a lot to hide it, I make jokes, make people laugh, because I don’t want them to see how unsecure I really am about myself. Not how I look, but me inside.

People try to understand, but no matter how hard they try or how hard I try to make they understand exactly what I mean it just goes wrong.

I get irritated and disappointed at them for not trying hard enough to understand, to not ask the right question, but how can I expect them to know the right question, when I’m not even sure what that is myself?

Love yourself for who you are, not only on the outside, but on the inside as well.




3 thoughts on “Death, It comes and goes

  1. It appears to me, as if though you have trouble telling someone about your feelings face to face, but I also think you realy wish you could. I just want you to know, that you are not alone, and that you have good friends, true friends, who will always be there for you if you ever decide that the time has come to open up. I know it’s hard, you might not believe it, but it’s true, I know it’s hard telling someone about your feelings. It feels as if you’ve exposed your soul, you can never take it back. When you open up, you might feel like you’re risking something, but I believe that opening up, also could make you stronger. Trying to explain everything to someone else, migjht help you understand it better yourself. Just remember, even on the darkest days;
    You’re not alone.

    David Bowie – Rock ‘N’ Roll Suicide

  2. WHAAA! You really look like a boy!! Im scarred for life, just looking at theese few photos of you. Grow up, emotional girl! Think positive, i hate negative people.

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