Three words – Poem


Do you see the fear in my eyes?

Do you hear how my voice shakes?

Do you feel how my heart nearly breaks?

I struggle and I fight for what I know is right

The words “I love you” are what I

Long to say to you

Show me you care

Tell me it matters

Hurry up before

My heart shatters

In the dark

You hear my whispers

The longing in my voice

Your arms surround me

The keep me close

As you gently reminds me

That I do have a choice

I chose to love you

And I’m glad I did

You’re worth the risk

You’re worth my heart

Nothing can tear us apart

Distance don’t matter

Not in my heart

My voice will stop shatter

When I hear the words from you

“I love you too”.

xx

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Hold me close, don’t ever let go


Keep in mind that this post is written yesterday night.

When people don’t believe what I say I take it kind of bad, I keep wondering what I might’ve done to make them not trust me.

I really don’t like it when people don’t trust me, when they go around thinking that all I’m saying is a lie, but I guess there will always be someone out there to doubt you in every way they find possible.

One thing that I know I have to work with is my ability to trust others and myself, because right now there’s only one person in my life who I trust 100% with everything. Yeah I know I trust my mum, but that doesn’t mean I tell her everything, the things I do tell her is not even close.

Fine I trust myself enough to write about my inner thoughts and post them on the World Wide Web for everyone to see, or maybe I do trust I just don’t know how to show or say it?

Like when I wrote my latest post in class I felt vulnerable, like I opened up in front of everyone even though it was just writing, I felt like everyone’s eyes were on that screen, my screen, waiting for me to type the next word.

Not that I think everyone was, but that was what it felt like for me.

One of my fears is for others to see me as vulnerable, because I know I am, everyone is, but I just don’t like showing it. I’m like the person you see with either a smile on her lips, you hear my laugh or you watch me as I joke around.

But there’s also a part of me some people don’t see, like I can be dead serious, but to hide that I make loads of jokes, I talk a lot to hide my insecurity and I laugh a lot just to forget, or to remind myself again what it’s like to laugh.

I will always have that fear of going into a deep depression again; I don’t think that that fear will ever go away. The feeling that something is eating you up from the inside and leaving holes for you to fill with nothing, it’s like all your happiness runs out of those holes and it gets replaced with shame, anger and so much sadness and pain that you can’t even imagine.

For some reason it’s so much easier for me to cry than it was, like someone has destroyed a part the wall that slowly got built up around me to keep my safe from everything around me, to not let anyone in completely.

And the weirdest part is that sometimes when I get forced to talk about it I cry, because I get reminded of how it used to be, how I used to feel and see things.

It’s weird but for me sadness is familiar, it surrounds you from every angle, like someone’s arms that surrounds you and keeps you safe, not like happiness because it can disappear in a blink of an eye. Yet the difference is that sadness tears you apart, and happiness makes you forget the pain of the wounds inside of you while time closes them, but yet the scars will remain.

At this moment I feel empty, I’m about to cry, but I’m not sad, but not happy either.

If I just could find something other than sadness to surround me, and keep me safe and happy and never let go. But how do you find something as tight and surrounding as sadness, yet something that warms you up from the inside, makes you feel special and loved as happiness can do, because there’s a difference between knowing that you’re loved and feeling it.

Just hold me and never let go.

xx

Paranoid much?


I´m supposed to try to write a proper post at this moment, I´m sitting in class and we have independent study, but for some reason I feel so exposed sitting and writing my inner thoughts infront of everyone, like i feel everyones eyes on me, but maybe I´m just paranoid?

I´ve had trouble sleeping since saturday night, like I can´t make my head shut up, and every time I finally fall asleep for about ten minutes, I turn around in bed and wake up again, so I guess that´s my nights, and i can´t say I like it.

I know that when I can´t sleep and my head won´t shut up that something is bothering me, but WHAT?!

My almost sleepless nights gives me terrible headaches, and I had to force myself to get up today because I had to get my youngest brother off to school since mum started early today, but right now I just wish I´d stayed in bed. but then again it wouldn´t helped much because I would still have had trouble sleeping tonight.

I just wish I someone could read my mind and tell me what I´m worried about or what it is so I can get some sleep.

I got told today that I´m brave because I´m so honest about everything on my blog, but the truth is that it helps me sort out problems and see them from a different angle.

So maybe I am brave, or maybe I´m not, all that couts is that it helps me.

I´m so exhausted that I can´t even think straight sometimes.

I guess this is it for now..  There might come a proper post later today, but no promises.

xx

ShadowLicious

Just, walk it off


The one thing I dislike the strongest, even hates is to feel sad, like everything’s wrong, or something, but you can’t figure out exactly what.

So I’ve figured out that going for a walk helps to clear your head, you might not figure out what cause the sudden mood change, but you lose your odd mood.  I ended up feeling very empty, but that’s better than being depressed, right?

It’s like you feel so lousy, don’t know what to do, can’t decide even the simplest thing.

While I was walking my head got more and more messed up, my negative thoughts got worse, I felt like I was about to cry any second, but then it turned and well slowly my mood passed.  So it has to get worse before it gets better.

But say that it’s late at night and there’s no one I can talk to about what my problem may be, or someone to cheer me up and too late to go for a walk, then what? What if the only way to get rid of my sadness and the ache inside is to hurt myself? What if I can’t resist?  I know It’s not possible for me to sleep when I’m feeling that way, even though I eventually pass out two hours before I’m supposed to get up, and that’s not really that good either.

I just need a third option to handle it when it comes, something that will work when neither of the other options works, without turning to medicine and pills.

I don’t wanna turn to the razor every time none of the other options work. And I’d love to say that I’m over that, but that would be a lie.

This time I walked my mood off, the question is, will I be able to do that the next time, and if I don’t then what?

I’ve started reading a book called I don’t wanna die, I just can’t live. I read half way through and then I had to stop because it made me so down, and I haven’t picked up that book afterwards.

It’s about a woman that has manic depression, and had struggled with self harm, so it was a kind of diary, but the problem was that I could relate so much to her feelings and thoughts. And I’m starting to wonder if it’s too early for me to read it, to try to understand it, I don’t know.

And every time I’m feeling down I always does research on the internet about depression, self harm, suicide etc etc.  And I have no idea why, all I know is that it’s making the whole thing worse, but I just can’t stop.  I know it’s stupid, but I can’t help it.

It’s like I’m obsessed with matters like death, depression and suicide, not because I wanna die, even though the negative thoughts makes me believe I want to, and that that’s the only option even though I know it isn’t.

They scare me sometimes, like what if they come on really strong and I just can’t resist?

All I can hope for now is that I get a therapist; my mum’s sending the papers on Monday.

Let’s just hope he or she doesn’t give me up like the other one did.

Just, walk it off.

xx

ShadowLicious

It matters to me – Poem


I hear the smile in your voice

I see the ache in your heart

I feel your urge to raise your voice

Let them know you’re still breathing

Your heart’s still beating

You’re still here

No more guilt

No more pain

Show the world you’ve got

More to gain

You won’t get insane

Never attached to that game

Let them know

You’re here to stay

So raise your voice

And make some noise

Show them it matters

Speak even if your heart shatters

Tear loose from that chain

Set yourself free

Be who you are meant to be

Make my day and smile for me

Show me the beauty only I can see

That sparkles in your eyes

Like a shooting star beyond the skies

Look at me and you will see

It matters

It matters to me

xx

Bad days shows you how much you really have got to loose


It’s hard to let go of something you’re really good at, even if you know it’s bad for you to continue.

Yeah, I’m good at being sad, you become really good at something when it was all you ever did for two years, and then happiness comes around and turns your whole world upside down.

Being sad is the only thing I’ve been really good at, it just sucks that it’s not good for me to be sad anymore, I don’t wanna be sad. But it’s hard to stay happy, to remind myself that this time my smile is real.

I bet I’m gonna sound crazy, but I’ll give it a shot. A few months back or so I did some research on depression and the suicidal stuff, and I was finally able to explain some of my thoughts. I read that those thoughts that I have, that I’m not a good person, that everyone would be better off without me etc. it’s my voice inside my head telling me all that, like a voice that won’t shut up until you either hurt yourself or makes your heart stop beating.

But it’s easier to regain control now, because I know that what the voice, or I am telling me isn’t true, but yeah I believed it before, I was selfish, thinking that nobody cared, and I was wrong, because there are so many people that care about me, so many people that I care about.

But maybe I believed it so easily because no one was there for me, asked me what was wrong, everybody saw, but they never said anything, why?

Maybe that they knew that I was gonna say “I’m fine, don’t worry”, I don’t know, but it just hurt me that no one said anything before much later.

Only one person have been there for me all the way, helped me through the hard times, made me talk about it, and made me able to trust someone with everything, my thoughts, my doubt, and my confusion.

He’s the one that told me that we were gonna get through this together, and that meant so much to me, to hear him say just that.

So I guess it’s all the bad days that shows and reminds you of how much you really have got to lose.  How much you are needed in this world.

Don’t ask a question if you’re afraid of the answer.

xx

ShadowLicious

Sleepless nights


Don’t you just hate when you lay awake at night trying to sleep and your head just won’t seem to shut up and stop worrying?

It goes on and on about things that could be the reason to why you’re worried and you turns out to be even more worried and confused than you were to begin with. So sometimes I wish there was an off button to my head, or at least a mute button so I could get some sleep.

But after a few hours even your head’s exhausted, and you just fall asleep.

I often lay awake at night if I miss someone, or if something have happened, or a person has acted strange, like they weren’t themselves.  I just can’t seem to let things go, because I notice a lot, I notice things people don’t even look at or notice at all, so yeah I remember details.

But anyhow, I received a text from my dad this morning, the first one in god knows how long, the first sign of contact in a long time, and it makes me angry for him to think that just because he sent me a text everything will be okay? I haven’t heard a word from him in probably a month, and he haven’t done what he said he was gonna do, and I know he’s not perfect, but he could at least try to do something he said he would.

One text every few months isn’t enough for me and my dad to build a relationship, I’ve tried to make an effort, but what’s the point when I’m the only one trying?

I’m glad I have a dad, it’s just that sometimes it feels like I don’t have one, my step father and I are closer than what I can say about me and my dad.

I know that we won’t have a relationship like other fathers and daughters, but it would help if he at least showed that he was trying, showing that he wants this to work, that he’s interested in making an effort for me to stay in his life.

I’ve done all I can, but what difference does it make when I’m the only one trying?

Sometimes I just wish I knew what was going on inside his head.

xx

ShadowLicious