never alone, you can’t do this on your own

I often get asked ” Why do you even care about me” or something like that, well the truth is I don’t really know, it just turns out that way, it’s like when you fall in love, you have absolutely no control over it, your heart wants what your heart wants.

I may not talk to everybody very often, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care, it doesn’t mean that I won’t be there when you need me. I’ll always be around for my friends and family, wither they need a shoulder to cry on, to talk, or just a laugh.

I get very easily attached to people, but somehow I manage to still act like nothing when they push me outta their lives. I’m used to disappointment, and I know that it’ll hurt for a while, but it will pass, you will get over it, and you will be stronger afterwards.

One of my greatest fears is to open up too much, to let anyone too close, but I’m trying to work that out too, but still that fear of telling people how much about how you feel and stuff, it’s really scary. Like you’re thinking, oh no, I shouldn’t have said that, what If I scare them away?

I have one person in the whole world that I can talk to about anything, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t scary to open up that much, there’s still that doubt in the back of my head whispering “what if he just rejects you, pushes you away, is it really a good idea?” And at the same time I know that he would never do such a thing, so why all this doubt then?

I know that it’s only human to doubt, to love, to be jealous and so on, but why do we need all these feelings?  Isn’t it enough just to be happy? What’s the point of being sad? There never comes anything good from it.

I’ve always wanted to write a book about all this, my depression and the other stuff, because I wanted to let people know what it’s like, tell them how it feels, what it is, and to the others that struggles with all this, to seek help, to find their courage inside themselves to talk to someone, to never give up, and recover from it.  But then I realized that I’m already writing about it, what it’s like, and how I keep my hopes up, and how I handle things when they come crashing down.

What I want more than anything is to help people, especially teenagers that have that awful disease or what to call it, depression.  I wanna help them feel better about themselves, I wanna show them that they’re worth more than they think, that they’re loved, and needed in this world.

I’m living to make people smile, to make them happy and laugh and forget everything bad at least for just one second too see that there’s ways to deal with everything, but you can’t do it on your own.

I wanna be that person people can come to for help when they’re struggling, be their safe place where they don’t feel like they have to hide what they’re really feeling, and shouldn’t be afraid of showing it.

I know what should be done, I just don’t know how.  I’ve been thinking about a support group for teenagers that are depressed, suicidal and are practicing self harm.  I think it would be good for them to talk to each other and maybe open up about how they really feel.  And maybe help each other getting through it all, to regain their values in life, and to see that they’re not alone.

I know that if there had been a group or organization like that when I was in the middle of it, and at my worst, I would go, I would go now too if there was such a thing.

I just feel that no one knows so much about such a common disease, and why? Is it because they’re scared?  Is it because no one wants to know what it is and what can do to help those who have it?

I’ve talked to loads of depressed teenagers that are going through what I’m working my way through right now, and there are never one depression that started for the same reasons, it could be a family member that died, abuse, who knows what.  But those doubts that it starts with is only the beginning, you’re down, but you’re hiding it, and that takes a lot of energy so you’re always tired, you don’t sleep well, or you sleep more than usual, you find comfort in food, or you almost don’t eat at all. You get that pain inside of you, the one that makes you sad, angry at yourself for feeling that way, and you might start cutting yourself because it makes you feel better. At first it’s nothing, but then it gets deeper and deeper and you just can’t stop, it’s like your own safety line that keeps you going and makes sure you don’t fall.

And then there’s the suicidal thoughts, you’ve had enough, you wanna get away, start over, but you’re too scared to try. At first.  But then you convince yourself you can’t take any more, and you plan, and you try.

I wanna help people through the sadness and pain long before they even think about suicide or self harm.

It’s okay to be sad, but when sad is all you is, you know you need to talk to someone you trust.

I really wanna do something about it, but I can’t do it alone.

I wanna start an organization to help people that are going through depression and have no one they feel they can turn to.

You’re not alone, it may seem like that in the dark, but if you reach your arms out you’ll find loads of hands willing to hold your hand and help you through it, they’re no experts, but they can’t help you unless you let them.

I’m not sure if I’ve made a lot of sense in this post, but I felt like I’ve said what needed to be said, what should’ve been said a long time ago.

Healing takes time, the scars will remain to remind you about whom and where you never wanna be again.




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