It’s hard to let go of something you’re really good at, even if you know it’s bad for you to continue.
Yeah, I’m good at being sad, you become really good at something when it was all you ever did for two years, and then happiness comes around and turns your whole world upside down.
Being sad is the only thing I’ve been really good at, it just sucks that it’s not good for me to be sad anymore, I don’t wanna be sad. But it’s hard to stay happy, to remind myself that this time my smile is real.
I bet I’m gonna sound crazy, but I’ll give it a shot. A few months back or so I did some research on depression and the suicidal stuff, and I was finally able to explain some of my thoughts. I read that those thoughts that I have, that I’m not a good person, that everyone would be better off without me etc. it’s my voice inside my head telling me all that, like a voice that won’t shut up until you either hurt yourself or makes your heart stop beating.
But it’s easier to regain control now, because I know that what the voice, or I am telling me isn’t true, but yeah I believed it before, I was selfish, thinking that nobody cared, and I was wrong, because there are so many people that care about me, so many people that I care about.
But maybe I believed it so easily because no one was there for me, asked me what was wrong, everybody saw, but they never said anything, why?
Maybe that they knew that I was gonna say “I’m fine, don’t worry”, I don’t know, but it just hurt me that no one said anything before much later.
Only one person have been there for me all the way, helped me through the hard times, made me talk about it, and made me able to trust someone with everything, my thoughts, my doubt, and my confusion.
He’s the one that told me that we were gonna get through this together, and that meant so much to me, to hear him say just that.
So I guess it’s all the bad days that shows and reminds you of how much you really have got to lose. How much you are needed in this world.
Don’t ask a question if you’re afraid of the answer.