Just, walk it off

The one thing I dislike the strongest, even hates is to feel sad, like everything’s wrong, or something, but you can’t figure out exactly what.

So I’ve figured out that going for a walk helps to clear your head, you might not figure out what cause the sudden mood change, but you lose your odd mood.  I ended up feeling very empty, but that’s better than being depressed, right?

It’s like you feel so lousy, don’t know what to do, can’t decide even the simplest thing.

While I was walking my head got more and more messed up, my negative thoughts got worse, I felt like I was about to cry any second, but then it turned and well slowly my mood passed.  So it has to get worse before it gets better.

But say that it’s late at night and there’s no one I can talk to about what my problem may be, or someone to cheer me up and too late to go for a walk, then what? What if the only way to get rid of my sadness and the ache inside is to hurt myself? What if I can’t resist?  I know It’s not possible for me to sleep when I’m feeling that way, even though I eventually pass out two hours before I’m supposed to get up, and that’s not really that good either.

I just need a third option to handle it when it comes, something that will work when neither of the other options works, without turning to medicine and pills.

I don’t wanna turn to the razor every time none of the other options work. And I’d love to say that I’m over that, but that would be a lie.

This time I walked my mood off, the question is, will I be able to do that the next time, and if I don’t then what?

I’ve started reading a book called I don’t wanna die, I just can’t live. I read half way through and then I had to stop because it made me so down, and I haven’t picked up that book afterwards.

It’s about a woman that has manic depression, and had struggled with self harm, so it was a kind of diary, but the problem was that I could relate so much to her feelings and thoughts. And I’m starting to wonder if it’s too early for me to read it, to try to understand it, I don’t know.

And every time I’m feeling down I always does research on the internet about depression, self harm, suicide etc etc.  And I have no idea why, all I know is that it’s making the whole thing worse, but I just can’t stop.  I know it’s stupid, but I can’t help it.

It’s like I’m obsessed with matters like death, depression and suicide, not because I wanna die, even though the negative thoughts makes me believe I want to, and that that’s the only option even though I know it isn’t.

They scare me sometimes, like what if they come on really strong and I just can’t resist?

All I can hope for now is that I get a therapist; my mum’s sending the papers on Monday.

Let’s just hope he or she doesn’t give me up like the other one did.

Just, walk it off.




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