Keep in mind that this post is written yesterday night.
When people don’t believe what I say I take it kind of bad, I keep wondering what I might’ve done to make them not trust me.
I really don’t like it when people don’t trust me, when they go around thinking that all I’m saying is a lie, but I guess there will always be someone out there to doubt you in every way they find possible.
One thing that I know I have to work with is my ability to trust others and myself, because right now there’s only one person in my life who I trust 100% with everything. Yeah I know I trust my mum, but that doesn’t mean I tell her everything, the things I do tell her is not even close.
Fine I trust myself enough to write about my inner thoughts and post them on the World Wide Web for everyone to see, or maybe I do trust I just don’t know how to show or say it?
Like when I wrote my latest post in class I felt vulnerable, like I opened up in front of everyone even though it was just writing, I felt like everyone’s eyes were on that screen, my screen, waiting for me to type the next word.
Not that I think everyone was, but that was what it felt like for me.
One of my fears is for others to see me as vulnerable, because I know I am, everyone is, but I just don’t like showing it. I’m like the person you see with either a smile on her lips, you hear my laugh or you watch me as I joke around.
But there’s also a part of me some people don’t see, like I can be dead serious, but to hide that I make loads of jokes, I talk a lot to hide my insecurity and I laugh a lot just to forget, or to remind myself again what it’s like to laugh.
I will always have that fear of going into a deep depression again; I don’t think that that fear will ever go away. The feeling that something is eating you up from the inside and leaving holes for you to fill with nothing, it’s like all your happiness runs out of those holes and it gets replaced with shame, anger and so much sadness and pain that you can’t even imagine.
For some reason it’s so much easier for me to cry than it was, like someone has destroyed a part the wall that slowly got built up around me to keep my safe from everything around me, to not let anyone in completely.
And the weirdest part is that sometimes when I get forced to talk about it I cry, because I get reminded of how it used to be, how I used to feel and see things.
It’s weird but for me sadness is familiar, it surrounds you from every angle, like someone’s arms that surrounds you and keeps you safe, not like happiness because it can disappear in a blink of an eye. Yet the difference is that sadness tears you apart, and happiness makes you forget the pain of the wounds inside of you while time closes them, but yet the scars will remain.
At this moment I feel empty, I’m about to cry, but I’m not sad, but not happy either.
If I just could find something other than sadness to surround me, and keep me safe and happy and never let go. But how do you find something as tight and surrounding as sadness, yet something that warms you up from the inside, makes you feel special and loved as happiness can do, because there’s a difference between knowing that you’re loved and feeling it.
Just hold me and never let go.