Halloween.


Tonight it’s Halloween, and I’ve spent my day at the cinema with Anita, we watched despicable me, it was hilarious. And for those of you that haven’t heard of it, it’s a cartoon kind of movie, and I recommend you to see it.

Tonight I realized that it’s only one week and 4 days, or 11 days until he gets here, I can’t wait. He’s been on my mind all day, kept picturing his face, his smile. And I realized that I’ve never ever been this happy. Maybe it’s true what they say; there always comes something bad before something great.

I know that I love him, with all my heart, but still there’s doubt, your brain always doubts, questioning everything instead of enjoying things. I should really learn to listen more to my heart about these things, because I know that I love him and that he loves me, so what is there to doubt about?

A person who accepts me for who I am and what I do, tells me that no matter what I do to myself wouldn’t change his view of me, and it haven’t. There are loads of guys who say it, but never mean it, luckily I’ve found the one that stands for his word, he meant what he said, he means it, and it means the world to me.

About ten minutes ago I was on the bus, on my way home, I kept looking out the window wondering what makes the world a much different place at night, so mysterious yet so beautiful.  The darkness is beautiful in its own way, and so is the light of the day, but I prefer darkness.

Halloween was fun this year, and I can only hope that next year will be even better.

Happy Halloween to everyone out there.

Enjoy the rest of your night

This is me

InsideOut

xx

 

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Fighting myself


I’m so confused, I feel so down, it’s a relief but still I hate it.

I don’t know what’s happening to me, I really don’t.

I try to get rid of the down feeling, but as soon as I make some progress on it, I get it back, like I want to be sad at the same time I don’t,  like I’m fighting myself (?)

One part of me wants to be happy, and the other part wants to feel as down as possible. I don’t know what to do, I really don’t.

The urge of harming myself is strong now, but I’ll try my best to resist, I have to resist, I can’t let myself down again, I just can’t.

Sadness is scary, yet so comforting, so familiar. I’m shaking, I’m cold and I have no idea what to do, all I want to do is cry, but I can’t. I have to be strong, I have to fight it. But why is it so difficult to fight yourself?

The sad music is on as usual, but I’ve got really bad memories attached to this song.

Breaking Benjamin – You.

The song I listened to the first time I gave up, I sat here on this chair crying because I was scared, didn’t know what to do or who to turn to. Sure it’s probably 6 months ago, but the feeling still holds on.

Maybe my mind is trying to tell me something, or convince me that it’s better to be sad than to feel nothing, which I will when I’m not down anymore, I’ll feel so empty, and that is and could be so much worse.

How can I fight my own thoughts? It’s like I’m not in control anymore, I don’t know. The sadness is in control, it’s taking over again, laughing at my weakness, trying to make me hurt myself, convince me that it’s the only thing I can do, that the thoughts are the truth, what I really feel.

I just cross my fingers and hope I make it through without hurting myself.

The only way out
is letting your guard down and never die
forgotten (I know)
Forgive me my love
I stand here all alone
And I can see the bottom

Breaking Benjamin – You

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This is me

InsideOut

xx

Bad day you said?


I’m not exactly sure about what to write, but when has that ever stopped me?

I’ve been having a rather lousy day, there’s no reason to it, I kind of just woke up that way.

When I walked out the door this morning I was quite down, so I did what I always do, which is put on some really sad music and just block the thoughts out.

Today my choice of song was Goodbye (I’m sorry) by Jamestown story.

It’s a quite sad song, and it’s about suicide and not feeling worth anything, and the words that struck me every time (since I had that song on repeat) was “ I’m not worth your tears.”

I don’t know why certain words or sentences in songs struck you, but they do. Maybe it’s because they remind you of something, maybe a feeling or a person.

I think that, that sentence struck me because I knew the feeling, I felt the feeling, I felt that I wasn’t worth anyone’s tears, not because I was feeling sorry for myself, but because it’s the truth.

I’m not worth anyone’s tears because I’m being selfish, I’m making my loved ones suffer for my pain, my doubt.

I can write page down and page up about how scared I am, but it still wouldn’t made a difference, I would still be scared of one day not be able to deal with my problems anymore, simply just give up. I know it’s not the right way to think, I know that so well, but I can’t help but think what if.

I know I would never hurt anyone on purpose, but still I do, off and on I hurt the people I care about.

When I’m down and sad, my loved ones suffer too, they worry, but they never say anything because they don’t know what to say, they don’t know how I’ll take it, how I will react to it.

On days like this I mostly keep to myself, wait for the day to pass, so I can work my way up again, not stand in the shadow of myself, be me, the one that makes others laugh, that laughs with every opportunity she finds.

Laughing and jokes are my way of dealing with problems; I forget them for a while so that I can get them on a distance, because it’s so much easier to see the problem when it’s not in your face, blocking all the exits.  It makes it so much easier to see it from different angles, and maybe see a solution too.

Highlight of the day:

We had spaghetti cabonara for dinner today, my favourite.

And the IT people (those who works with computers etc.) made my msn work on my Mac again! It’s complicated, but I’ll figure out how it works soon-ish.

Never forget to smile.

I’m crossing my fingers for a better tomorrow.

This is me

InsideOut

xx

First session


This is written about 4 pm today ^^

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Well it looks like I survived the meeting, and it wasn’t that scary at all. Just a little bit.

It was difficult though, all those questions. I don’t even know what to say, where to start.

But I can say that I’m pretty angry with myself because I didn’t know how to explain properly what I meant with the things I said. I just didn’t know what to say.

The first thing she did was asking the basic questions, like what my sexual orientation was, if I was or had been suicidal, ever been raped or some other trauma etc. And all I could do was answer the best I could, and honest of course.

She read the file my doctor had sent to her, and said that it said I had cut myself a couple times, and all I could think was; A couple of times?!  I knew they weren’t going to take me seriously.

I know I need help dealing with everything, but how can I explain so people understand, because I don’t want to be dealing with this for the rest of my life.

It was difficult because she didn’t know anything about me or my life except for what my file said which wasn’t very much.

She started asking about relationships, boyfriends, family and friends.

I told her that the incident with my dad was what started it all, and I wish I hadn’t, because she started talking about my relationship with him, and all I could say is that we don’t have one. She proceeded with saying that maybe some other time we could invite him to my session with her and talk, but the truth is that I don’t want him there.

I don’t want my parents there at all, I get that they’re worried and don’t know what to do, but when they ask, or demand me to figure out what I want them to do to help me, it doesn’t really help, because I don’t know what they’re supposed to do.  I really don’t.

When I walked out of there I was more confused than when I came in.

I wish I could make her see that I don’t care about the past, it’s the present that’s difficult, but maybe I need to work out all the problems I’ve just pushed away before it gets better? Or will it ever get better?

She asked some really tough questions, like what I’m mostly thinking of, it might not seem so tough to you, but for some reason I don’t pay attention to my own thoughts, either that or I don’t want to remember.  I know what I’m thinking about when I’m down, then I know it, but when I’m happy it seems like I don’t want to remember it.

She also asked me if I saw or heard things no one else saw, and I couldn’t do anything but smile, because I don’t, the only voice I hear is my own inside my head, but that’s not the same as hallucination right?

Her name’s Monica by the way. And I really can’t describe her, at least not yet, but what I can say is that she’s got some really intense eyes; they’re spooky, stares right into yours and makes it hard to look away. Her eyes are ice blue with really dark irises, and they kind of freak me out.  But I guess I’ll get used to it.

Highlight of the day:

Stopped by mum’s work after my session and we bought some ice cream and then we went to pick up my youngest brother, and he’s so adorable. When we walked in he jumped into my arms, and I had to try to keep myself from falling, he’s getting so big, six years old already, and I love him. But that hug made my day (:

Keep your loved ones close to heart, in that way they’ll always be with you, wherever, whenever.

This is me

InsideOut

xx

 

Something old, something new.


Today I have absolutely no idea about what to write about, but yet here I am at least trying to write something.

My head’s unusually silent today, it feels kind of nice, but I can’t say I like it. Maybe I’m not able to think because I’m too nervous about Wednesday, too nervous and scared because some stranger is going to sit there and analyze and evaluate me. But that’s not scary at all, I’m not scared. Who am I kidding, I’m terrified.

A stranger that’s going to sit there and judge me of what I say and don’t say, but what if I’m not able to say anything, then what?

I just don’t know what I’m supposed to say to her, and yeah I’ve said before that it’s easier to talk to a stranger about your problems, because you’re probably not going to talk to him or her ever again, but it doesn’t make it any less scary.

I guess you could say I’m scared of this new thing, never been evaluated with something so personal before and I don’t know what to think about it. Sure I’ve been evaluated at school with assignments, but it’s not the same, a school project is almost never personal.  It doesn’t require you to talk about yourself and your problems and explain why you do what you do when things are bad.

I can’t even count the number of times where I’ve convinced myself that I don’t really have a problem, people have it worse than me, and they deserve help, I don’t.

Even though I knew I had problems with myself and everything, I just didn’t know how to deal with them. I didn’t want to be the one feeling sorry for myself, because I wasn’t, I was angry because I couldn’t possibly understand why I was feeling the way I was, confused, scared, again everything at once.

When my feelings get too much for me to handle, I shove them in the back of my head, push them away because that’s the only way I know how to handle them. I try to forget the problem because I don’t want to feel so confused again. I simply try to avoid negative feelings, but it’s easier said than done.

I have three ways of handling problems, the first one is to talk about it with someone, that usually helps a lot, the second one is to write about it, to see different angles of the problem and possibly solve it that way, or the third option, I shove them away.

I have three ways of handling problems, the first one is to talk about it with someone, that usually helps a lot, the second one is to write about it, to see different angles of the problem and possibly solve it that way, or the third option, I shove them away.

You could say that the two first options are the best, and I agree, but sometimes the problem is so confusing that I don’t really know what’s wrong or right, I don’t know how to handle it or what to think about it, so without noticing it I shove them under a rock and try not to think about it again.

My mum says that if you want to sort out all your problems, you’ve got to start with the biggest one and work your way through, and the biggest problem at the time was my dad, and that was as far as I got, so you could say I’m stuck, been stuck for a while. But that doesn’t stop me from wondering if the problem with my dad really is over?

I’ve tried my best to keep in contact with him, but what difference does it make when I was the only one trying?  I’m not complaining, he is how he is, nothing to do about that. He’s not going to change, and neither am I.

I feel so selfish going on about my dad, at least I have one, and there are probably many who would’ve had even just that.

I just hope that after I’ve got a new psychiatrist that he or she will help me see things clearer, help me figure about what I have to work with,  and most of all, not giving me up.

Highlight of the day:

Had a great day at school today, and I’m thrilled that college is so much more fun than high school. And just that is another of many reasons for me to get up in the morning.  I never thought I’d say this, but I love going to college.

Never stop smiling, because you never know who might fall in love with it.

This is me

InsideOut

xx

 

Doubt?


I’m scared, nervous, everything at the same time. I just found out that my psych evaluation or what to call it has been moved to Wednesday next week, I don’t know what to think of it.

I guess it’s a good thing that everything’s happening so fast, but still I’m frightened, and what goes through my head right now is that “what if they don’t take me serious enough? What if they just think I’m an attention seeker?”

Some people might say I’m an attention seeker, but I know I’m not. I went out with everything because it lifted a rock off my shoulders.

Sure it was scary, but it helped. I felt like I didn’t get anywhere by just talking or writing to myself, so I started the blog to make it easier on me, to feel like I got somewhere, I answered my own questions, or got answers from others.

My mum told me she can’t make it, so I have to go alone, and that’s what I wanted, but I feel vulnerable again, so insecure. It’s all so new to me, yet so familiar. I’m scared of be let down again, that someone will give me up again.

How can something that’s supposed to help me be so scary? It’s like I’m walking on insecure ground, frightened that before I know it, it will fall apart underneath me, and then what?

As you can read, see whatever, I’m completely confused about this, isn’t this what I wanted? I wanted help; I want help, so how come I’m so scared of it?

Maybe it’s the idea of a total stranger analyzing every word I say, judging me before even knowing anything about me? And with my lack of explaining skills I know that whatever I say to her will just be wrong. I can’t explain anything without causing confusion or a misunderstanding.

People think that just because you don’t harm yourself anymore, that it’s over, the problem’s solved, but it’s not. Just because you try not to harm yourself it doesn’t mean that there still isn’t a chaos inside of you threatening to eat you up from inside if you don’t pay attention.

I push everything away, and sometimes I don’t pay attention to what’s happening for just one second, and boom, there’s everything in my face.

Sometimes it helps with talking it out, someone telling you to be strong, that it will work out somehow, that usually works, but sometimes you just give in to the pain, the doubt, and the voice inside your head telling you that you deserve it.

This is me

InsideOut

xx

If he only knew


If he only knew how often he makes me cry because I’m happy, cry because I love him so much, more than words can say.

At first I was scared, frightened that I felt stronger than he did, but that quickly faded when I realized exactly how much he really did love me, does love me. There aren’t words for it.

I found this amazing poem which describes almost everything:

You’re the first thing I think of
Each morning when I rise
You’re the last thing I think of
When I close my eyes

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You’re in each thought I have
And every breath I take
My feelings are growing stronger
With every move you make
.

You’re an angel from above
who takes away my pain
My love for you is so strong
It’s always just the same

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You’re the miracle in my life
Who can always make me smile
Just knowing that you care
Makes my life worth-while
.

You’ve touched my heart and soul
Which you have from the start
Your warm soft words
Will never leave my heart

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You are everything I want
You’re so pure and true
I love you with everything I have
And I love everything that you do.

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It describes everything so perfectly, even though no words could ever describe how strongly you feel for anyone. And even that sentence only gives you a slightly idea about it, if not less.

Never in a million years I thought I’d feel this strong for anyone, and trust someone so much as I do, but just that shows that I’ve made progress, I’ve let someone completely in my life, inside my head if that’s possible. The one person I can always count on, the person I trust with my life, that makes me smile and laugh when no one else can, but then again, he’s the person that always makes me smile. Wither he’s aware of it or not.

He’s my smile and my pain, my sunshine and rain. Sounds odd, but at the same time It’s so true.

This is me

InsideOut

xx