A new month, but the same me

No matter how hard I try to resist and to be prepared, it still always manages to take me off guard.

My mood’s been really swingy today, first I had to sit listen to a man bragging about himself and telling me and everyone else in the room what personal skills you needed to have to work with people, and the more he said, the more I realized that I really had none of those skills, and then he started talking about star signs and stuff like that, there were two signs that they say would do great in that job, don’t remember which but anyways, I think it’s just stupid, but yaaaay (sarcastic) her comes my old friend doubt again.

I guess he was a kind of social worker slash some kindergarten thingy.  I’m not sure.

And later today I and a friend interviewed a woman about her job at the same place but she wasn’t working with the same stuff as he was, and for some reason it was easier to talk to her and ask than it was to talk to the other one, maybe it was because she wasn’t bragging and telling us what not to do or say so much, or maybe it was just the fact that it was only us in the room and with him it was the whole class.

Either way I’m just confused, I have no idea what wanna be anymore, all I know is that I wanna work with people, help them on the way, one person, one step at the time. But that helps me a lot because there aren’t that many jobs that do just that. Oh wait, it was me being sarcastic again, there’s thousands of jobs where you can do just that.

Well, moving on.

I signed up for a depression kind of class today, there’s people there that’s supposed to teach you ways to deal with the negative thoughts and stuff like that, but we’ll see it’s not until January anyways.

Right now I feel vulnerable again for some reason, like letting someone help me in a new way is scary, and I don’t wanna get my hopes up because what if I can’t do it? What if it doesn’t work for me? Then what will?

I’m supposed to have a talk with her, a nurse in November-December, but she’s gonna ring me and arrange everything so I just hope that I don’t back out because I’m scared, terrified actually because I’ve never had anyone to help me in that way, someone who knows what they’re actually doing and not just expecting me to figure out what they should do to help me.

I need a hug, but honestly I’m too scared to ask for one because I can’t explain why.  And a tissue hehe, I’ve become a big cry baby, but I’m not even sure why I have tears running down my face at this moment, I guess it’s because I’m scared.

I’ll just keep my fingers crossed and hope everything works out, even if the voice in the back of my head says it won’t; the voice is my doubt.




1 thought on “A new month, but the same me

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