Mum says it’s important to have something to look forward to, something you’re exited about, and something that keeps you going.
Well I’ve got something I look forward to every day, talking to someone I can’t go a day without thinking about, the one person who reached in to me when I made a decision, he made me change my mind and talk to my mum, and I couldn’t be more grateful.
I’m trying to go through life just being grateful to what I’ve got, than to long for something I don’t have. In the end when it all comes to all you’ve got all you need, you’re loved, and you love them back no matter what, isn’t that all that matters?
This is my way of healing, getting rid of unwanted emotions, and making sure that no matter what the voice inside my head’s telling me, I know what’s right, I know that I’m loved and that I’m supposed to be here, and I know that no matter how much the voice makes me doubt, it’s only for a little while.
Right now I’m in the mood where it usually is right before everything goes wrong and the voice takes over and makes me so down, but I’m trying something new, I’m trying to change my mood before it goes that far, because I know how hard it is to pick myself up afterwards. The shame I feel after harming myself and the anger I feel because I was too weak to resist.
When it all comes to all I’m not only hurting myself when I do such things, I’m hurting those I love too, even though they don’t know about it.
“The deeper you cut, the deeper I hurt, the deeper you cut, it only gets worse” – To write love on her arms – stop the bleeding
People blame each other for everything, they blame them for causing pain, confusion or even sadness, but the truth is that you can’t blame them, you chose to get involved if that’s what you did, you chose to let it hurt you, you chose to let it make you upset, even angry, so in the end everybody choose to be in the situation they’re in now, either they knew they were taking that choice, or if that choice was taken for them, maybe it was fate who chose it, I don’t know, but I do know that you chose how your reaction will be, you might regret, but in the end what you did or said was exactly what you wanted.
So I guess you could say I chose to be sad, I could’ve been angry, but I took the anger out on myself, I chose to pick up the knife and hurt myself the first time, it was my choice, so if anyone wanna blame anyone for it, blame me.
I wish that someone would know every time I feel like this and just give me a hug and tell me everything will be okay. It’s hard for me to tell people when it’s not okay, when I’m not okay, I don’t wanna be the one that whines about their problems, so I stick with helping others with their problems, at least those I know I can help, even though it’s mostly by listening.
Many would ask, if you don’t wanna whine about your problems, then why make a blog and write about them? Well the truth is that there’s millions out there whose feeling exactly the same as me right this second, and it might help them, and at the same time it helps me. It’s like that method where you write a letter to someone that you just hide away, but I’m writing the letters and sending them.
This is my way of healing, my way to understand and answer my questions with new ones. My world is in the words I write, the best way I can express myself is through words, so why not tell everyone? Why not be honest and tell everyone, No I’m not okay when you’re not? Why lie when you accomplish so much more by saying, No I’m not.
Stand up for yourself; don’t let anyone step on you.