What done is done, eh?


Right now Ijust wish I could find courage deep inside of me and go downstairs to my mum and just sit with her, her hugging me and telling me that everything’s gonna be alright.

I did something tonight, something i’m not very proud of. I was doing so well, and suddenly everything went straight to hell you could say, but that would be too strong words for it. I got scared, felt bad because i knew i couldn’t resist, and now it’s too late.

She thinks i’m over it, that i haven’t done it in over 3 months, i would rather say weeks, but honestly i don’t remember.

I wish I weren’t as weak as I am, I wish I could be stronger, to resist.

it’s like when you feel that “pain” inside you, and you do what I do to handle it, you’re left with warmth, like someone replaced the pain with warmth, and it feels great, side to side with the shame, the dissapointment, the guilt.

I’m so confused, scared, I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know why I get the urge to do it all the time, is it to feel something when I feel nothing? Is it to better handle my feelings? I honestly don’t know, but i wish I did, so badly.

I thought about writing it out, but this time it only left me with more confusion and fright than I already had.

Here’s what I do know: I used to do it because i felt horrible, i was struggling with myself and everything, i had a reason, a real reason. But what about now? I get the urge to do it without any reason, so i’m wondering if it’s because I need a way to deal with everyhting, not just the bad things, maybe the good things too?

I don’t know, and if it were the case it just doesn’t make sense. If i’m happy and everything’s going well, i am feeling something, aren’t i?

When everything scares me I usually surround myself in what’s familiar; sadness. Never on purpose, it just happens that way, that’s the way I know how to handle it when it comes, or I used to.

And now, maybe it was because i was scared and ashamed that I felt like that was the only option, the only thing that made sense?

I’m not sure if I even make sense right now, my head’s a big mess.

xx

This is me

Inside out

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