I can’t even count all the times I’ve thought about taking the easy way out, but that would be the same as giving up everything I’ve worked for, giving up those I love and hurting them in the worst way possible.
So yeah, you could say death is a subject that often tumbles around in my head, wondering what it’s like, what it feels like, it there actually is a “heaven”, or if you just sleep, do you get reborn?
I have tones of questions, and I don’t even know why I’m so interested in that subject, but I am.
I’m not going to give up, that’s not what I’m saying, I just wonder if everything would’ve been easier for everyone if I was gone.
At the beginning of 9th grade, I meant that suicide was a selfish action, and maybe it is, but I can say that my opinion about it has changed a lot, I get the people that do it, I do, but that doesn’t mean I don’t wanna stop them from trying.
I know how much I have to lose, I’ve always known I had a lot to lose, but something I did in August made me realize that no matter how little or much I have, it’s still too much to lose.
I realized it by giving up, I did something so insane and scary, but there are only two people that know what I did.
I’ve read about people losing loved ones because they commit suicide, that they seemed so calm and happy just before. I felt that calm and happiness before I did what I did, like my body was tired of fighting itself, finally letting go, giving up. I remember my hands were shaking afterwards, and I panicked, never have I been so scared in my life when I’d realized what I just done.
I’m so happy that I’m alive, that nothing happened, and never have I been so happy because I failed at something. I can’t even imagine not seeing my brothers, my mum and my step dad, and all the other people I care so much about ever again.
Now I’m just scared that if it happens again, will I notice before it’s too late? It’s like someone else took over my body and made me do what I did, like I wasn’t thinking at all.
I’m glad I’m still here, and no matter how bad it gets I wouldn’t give my life away for anything.
“Be strong now, because things will get better. It might be stormy now, but it can’t rain forever. “
This is me