Focus on the present, that’s all that matters.

When I’m around other people when I’m down I just pretend everything’s okay long enough for me to believe it too.  Its way too easy to fake emotions like happiness, and sometimes you can’t even be sure if it’s real or not. You just can’t tell the difference anymore, you’ve got so used to faking it that you can’t tell if you’re faking it or if you’re actually happy.

My old English teacher said that if you pretend something long enough it will become true. So if you pretend to be happy when you’re not, you will be, or your mind will believe so.

It actually felt like I was falling apart today, it came so sudden, and without a reason.  It was at school, and I felt like I was close to bursting into tears.

Maybe it was because I was just feeling bad. All these problems that I refuse to deal with, all those lies I’m sick of listening to, people letting me down, blaming me etc. maybe that was my body’s reaction to all of it?

I’m so insecure around people, because you never know how they’re going to react on things that I or others say or do. I’m the one that makes people laugh and smile, it gives me something too. I see a person that’s sad and I go up to them and try to slightly cheer them up step by step, but the hardest part is that if I’m not able to cheer them up, I get down by it.

Why you say? I have no idea, maybe it’s because I spent so much time being sad, and I don’t want others to make the same mistakes I made?

I wish I had the answers, but I don’t.

I didn’t tell anyone that I wasn’t feeling okay, that I felt sad, I kept it to myself, just like I used to do. I had the opportunity to tell one person, which I tell everything to, but I didn’t, I didn’t wanna worry him about something that wasn’t important. I like to keep people happy, whatever it takes.

I always put people in front of my own needs, my needs don’t actually matter to me as long as someone else’s suffering and not feeling okay.

I tend to forget to take care of myself and what I need; instead I focus on what I can do to help others, to make them smile again, at any cost.

For some reason when I’m sad I search for sad music, something that can describe how I feel, maybe just a line, but still I do it. I know by a fact that it’s easier to find sad music to describe my feelings than it is to find a happy song. When I’m down happy music can’t cheer me up, so all I do (but never intentionally) is making it worse by listening to sad music.

It describes what I’m feeling; maybe it’s just the voice that sends the message, maybe the lyrics, or even the music itself.

I could listen to classical music and it could describe my feelings perfectly, because there’s really not always words needed to describe something; sometimes you can describe one emotion with another.

But still I haven’t managed to find a song to describe my fear, my fear of getting sucked back into the darkness of my sadness, the claustrophobic feeling when you’re convinced that there’s no way out, only one way to escape. You know what I’m talking about.

I got a reply from my doctor’s application to the psych department or what to call it, I’m supposed to go there in December I think and get a evaluation , and my mum’s coming with me. I’m scared, because I know there’s so much she doesn’t know about, so much I haven’t told her, and I know it will be even harder for me to talk about with her there.

I don’t want to push her away, but the things I’m struggling with is something she has no experience in, something she knows nothing about. Of course she’s scared, and so is I. but I know that I’ve got to do it on my own, because no one knows me better than myself.

I get so angry sometimes, because everyone seems to be blaming my dad for everything, but the person they should blame is me. Every single professional person I’ve talked to suspects that it’s because of my childhood and my messed up relationship with my dad, which you can hardly call a relationship, anyhow.

But they just won’t seem to listen, it’s not about my past, my childhood or my dad, it’s about me! It’s about who I am now, what I need help with right now. Stop digging into my past and start focusing on what really matters, the present, what’s right in front of you, what’s now.

Highlight of the day:

Hanging out with Anita, my older cousin, but also a very good friend, we laugh and joke around, she makes me forget everything else, and I really enjoy our time together.

Thanks for making me laugh when I almost forgot how to.

This is me




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