Doubt?


I’m scared, nervous, everything at the same time. I just found out that my psych evaluation or what to call it has been moved to Wednesday next week, I don’t know what to think of it.

I guess it’s a good thing that everything’s happening so fast, but still I’m frightened, and what goes through my head right now is that “what if they don’t take me serious enough? What if they just think I’m an attention seeker?”

Some people might say I’m an attention seeker, but I know I’m not. I went out with everything because it lifted a rock off my shoulders.

Sure it was scary, but it helped. I felt like I didn’t get anywhere by just talking or writing to myself, so I started the blog to make it easier on me, to feel like I got somewhere, I answered my own questions, or got answers from others.

My mum told me she can’t make it, so I have to go alone, and that’s what I wanted, but I feel vulnerable again, so insecure. It’s all so new to me, yet so familiar. I’m scared of be let down again, that someone will give me up again.

How can something that’s supposed to help me be so scary? It’s like I’m walking on insecure ground, frightened that before I know it, it will fall apart underneath me, and then what?

As you can read, see whatever, I’m completely confused about this, isn’t this what I wanted? I wanted help; I want help, so how come I’m so scared of it?

Maybe it’s the idea of a total stranger analyzing every word I say, judging me before even knowing anything about me? And with my lack of explaining skills I know that whatever I say to her will just be wrong. I can’t explain anything without causing confusion or a misunderstanding.

People think that just because you don’t harm yourself anymore, that it’s over, the problem’s solved, but it’s not. Just because you try not to harm yourself it doesn’t mean that there still isn’t a chaos inside of you threatening to eat you up from inside if you don’t pay attention.

I push everything away, and sometimes I don’t pay attention to what’s happening for just one second, and boom, there’s everything in my face.

Sometimes it helps with talking it out, someone telling you to be strong, that it will work out somehow, that usually works, but sometimes you just give in to the pain, the doubt, and the voice inside your head telling you that you deserve it.

This is me

InsideOut

xx

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