Something old, something new.


Today I have absolutely no idea about what to write about, but yet here I am at least trying to write something.

My head’s unusually silent today, it feels kind of nice, but I can’t say I like it. Maybe I’m not able to think because I’m too nervous about Wednesday, too nervous and scared because some stranger is going to sit there and analyze and evaluate me. But that’s not scary at all, I’m not scared. Who am I kidding, I’m terrified.

A stranger that’s going to sit there and judge me of what I say and don’t say, but what if I’m not able to say anything, then what?

I just don’t know what I’m supposed to say to her, and yeah I’ve said before that it’s easier to talk to a stranger about your problems, because you’re probably not going to talk to him or her ever again, but it doesn’t make it any less scary.

I guess you could say I’m scared of this new thing, never been evaluated with something so personal before and I don’t know what to think about it. Sure I’ve been evaluated at school with assignments, but it’s not the same, a school project is almost never personal.  It doesn’t require you to talk about yourself and your problems and explain why you do what you do when things are bad.

I can’t even count the number of times where I’ve convinced myself that I don’t really have a problem, people have it worse than me, and they deserve help, I don’t.

Even though I knew I had problems with myself and everything, I just didn’t know how to deal with them. I didn’t want to be the one feeling sorry for myself, because I wasn’t, I was angry because I couldn’t possibly understand why I was feeling the way I was, confused, scared, again everything at once.

When my feelings get too much for me to handle, I shove them in the back of my head, push them away because that’s the only way I know how to handle them. I try to forget the problem because I don’t want to feel so confused again. I simply try to avoid negative feelings, but it’s easier said than done.

I have three ways of handling problems, the first one is to talk about it with someone, that usually helps a lot, the second one is to write about it, to see different angles of the problem and possibly solve it that way, or the third option, I shove them away.

I have three ways of handling problems, the first one is to talk about it with someone, that usually helps a lot, the second one is to write about it, to see different angles of the problem and possibly solve it that way, or the third option, I shove them away.

You could say that the two first options are the best, and I agree, but sometimes the problem is so confusing that I don’t really know what’s wrong or right, I don’t know how to handle it or what to think about it, so without noticing it I shove them under a rock and try not to think about it again.

My mum says that if you want to sort out all your problems, you’ve got to start with the biggest one and work your way through, and the biggest problem at the time was my dad, and that was as far as I got, so you could say I’m stuck, been stuck for a while. But that doesn’t stop me from wondering if the problem with my dad really is over?

I’ve tried my best to keep in contact with him, but what difference does it make when I was the only one trying?  I’m not complaining, he is how he is, nothing to do about that. He’s not going to change, and neither am I.

I feel so selfish going on about my dad, at least I have one, and there are probably many who would’ve had even just that.

I just hope that after I’ve got a new psychiatrist that he or she will help me see things clearer, help me figure about what I have to work with,  and most of all, not giving me up.

Highlight of the day:

Had a great day at school today, and I’m thrilled that college is so much more fun than high school. And just that is another of many reasons for me to get up in the morning.  I never thought I’d say this, but I love going to college.

Never stop smiling, because you never know who might fall in love with it.

This is me

InsideOut

xx

 

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2 thoughts on “Something old, something new.

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