This is written about 4 pm today ^^
Well it looks like I survived the meeting, and it wasn’t that scary at all. Just a little bit.
It was difficult though, all those questions. I don’t even know what to say, where to start.
But I can say that I’m pretty angry with myself because I didn’t know how to explain properly what I meant with the things I said. I just didn’t know what to say.
The first thing she did was asking the basic questions, like what my sexual orientation was, if I was or had been suicidal, ever been raped or some other trauma etc. And all I could do was answer the best I could, and honest of course.
She read the file my doctor had sent to her, and said that it said I had cut myself a couple times, and all I could think was; A couple of times?! I knew they weren’t going to take me seriously.
I know I need help dealing with everything, but how can I explain so people understand, because I don’t want to be dealing with this for the rest of my life.
It was difficult because she didn’t know anything about me or my life except for what my file said which wasn’t very much.
She started asking about relationships, boyfriends, family and friends.
I told her that the incident with my dad was what started it all, and I wish I hadn’t, because she started talking about my relationship with him, and all I could say is that we don’t have one. She proceeded with saying that maybe some other time we could invite him to my session with her and talk, but the truth is that I don’t want him there.
I don’t want my parents there at all, I get that they’re worried and don’t know what to do, but when they ask, or demand me to figure out what I want them to do to help me, it doesn’t really help, because I don’t know what they’re supposed to do. I really don’t.
When I walked out of there I was more confused than when I came in.
I wish I could make her see that I don’t care about the past, it’s the present that’s difficult, but maybe I need to work out all the problems I’ve just pushed away before it gets better? Or will it ever get better?
She asked some really tough questions, like what I’m mostly thinking of, it might not seem so tough to you, but for some reason I don’t pay attention to my own thoughts, either that or I don’t want to remember. I know what I’m thinking about when I’m down, then I know it, but when I’m happy it seems like I don’t want to remember it.
She also asked me if I saw or heard things no one else saw, and I couldn’t do anything but smile, because I don’t, the only voice I hear is my own inside my head, but that’s not the same as hallucination right?
Her name’s Monica by the way. And I really can’t describe her, at least not yet, but what I can say is that she’s got some really intense eyes; they’re spooky, stares right into yours and makes it hard to look away. Her eyes are ice blue with really dark irises, and they kind of freak me out. But I guess I’ll get used to it.
Highlight of the day:
Stopped by mum’s work after my session and we bought some ice cream and then we went to pick up my youngest brother, and he’s so adorable. When we walked in he jumped into my arms, and I had to try to keep myself from falling, he’s getting so big, six years old already, and I love him. But that hug made my day (:
Keep your loved ones close to heart, in that way they’ll always be with you, wherever, whenever.
This is me