I’m not exactly sure about what to write, but when has that ever stopped me?
I’ve been having a rather lousy day, there’s no reason to it, I kind of just woke up that way.
When I walked out the door this morning I was quite down, so I did what I always do, which is put on some really sad music and just block the thoughts out.
Today my choice of song was Goodbye (I’m sorry) by Jamestown story.
It’s a quite sad song, and it’s about suicide and not feeling worth anything, and the words that struck me every time (since I had that song on repeat) was “ I’m not worth your tears.”
I don’t know why certain words or sentences in songs struck you, but they do. Maybe it’s because they remind you of something, maybe a feeling or a person.
I think that, that sentence struck me because I knew the feeling, I felt the feeling, I felt that I wasn’t worth anyone’s tears, not because I was feeling sorry for myself, but because it’s the truth.
I’m not worth anyone’s tears because I’m being selfish, I’m making my loved ones suffer for my pain, my doubt.
I can write page down and page up about how scared I am, but it still wouldn’t made a difference, I would still be scared of one day not be able to deal with my problems anymore, simply just give up. I know it’s not the right way to think, I know that so well, but I can’t help but think what if.
I know I would never hurt anyone on purpose, but still I do, off and on I hurt the people I care about.
When I’m down and sad, my loved ones suffer too, they worry, but they never say anything because they don’t know what to say, they don’t know how I’ll take it, how I will react to it.
On days like this I mostly keep to myself, wait for the day to pass, so I can work my way up again, not stand in the shadow of myself, be me, the one that makes others laugh, that laughs with every opportunity she finds.
Laughing and jokes are my way of dealing with problems; I forget them for a while so that I can get them on a distance, because it’s so much easier to see the problem when it’s not in your face, blocking all the exits. It makes it so much easier to see it from different angles, and maybe see a solution too.
Highlight of the day:
We had spaghetti cabonara for dinner today, my favourite.
And the IT people (those who works with computers etc.) made my msn work on my Mac again! It’s complicated, but I’ll figure out how it works soon-ish.
Never forget to smile.
I’m crossing my fingers for a better tomorrow.
This is me