Fighting myself


I’m so confused, I feel so down, it’s a relief but still I hate it.

I don’t know what’s happening to me, I really don’t.

I try to get rid of the down feeling, but as soon as I make some progress on it, I get it back, like I want to be sad at the same time I don’t,  like I’m fighting myself (?)

One part of me wants to be happy, and the other part wants to feel as down as possible. I don’t know what to do, I really don’t.

The urge of harming myself is strong now, but I’ll try my best to resist, I have to resist, I can’t let myself down again, I just can’t.

Sadness is scary, yet so comforting, so familiar. I’m shaking, I’m cold and I have no idea what to do, all I want to do is cry, but I can’t. I have to be strong, I have to fight it. But why is it so difficult to fight yourself?

The sad music is on as usual, but I’ve got really bad memories attached to this song.

Breaking Benjamin – You.

The song I listened to the first time I gave up, I sat here on this chair crying because I was scared, didn’t know what to do or who to turn to. Sure it’s probably 6 months ago, but the feeling still holds on.

Maybe my mind is trying to tell me something, or convince me that it’s better to be sad than to feel nothing, which I will when I’m not down anymore, I’ll feel so empty, and that is and could be so much worse.

How can I fight my own thoughts? It’s like I’m not in control anymore, I don’t know. The sadness is in control, it’s taking over again, laughing at my weakness, trying to make me hurt myself, convince me that it’s the only thing I can do, that the thoughts are the truth, what I really feel.

I just cross my fingers and hope I make it through without hurting myself.

The only way out
is letting your guard down and never die
forgotten (I know)
Forgive me my love
I stand here all alone
And I can see the bottom

Breaking Benjamin – You

.

This is me

InsideOut

xx

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