First I want to apologize for not posting that much this week, but I’ve actually not felt like writing, I didn’t know what to write even though I have to write every day to sort thoughts out.
I’m typing this directly in, so if there’s too many spelling mistakes I’m sorry.
Self harming is like an addiction, like a drug you just can’t stop taking no matter how it makes you feel afterwards.
I haven’t done it in a while, but I can’t say I don’t miss it, because I do, there’s not a second where I don’t think about it, not because I’m sad, there’s really no reason, my mind just wants me to.
I just can’t help thinking about it, just like it only lets me think about how I will feel the second after, and while I’m doing it, not how I’ll feel afterwards, it blocks those thoughts out.
I’ve realized that what I do isn’t fair, I can’t always depend on him when I’m feeling bad, I’ll end up destroying him, and that’s just something I can’t deal with. I can’t imagine a life without him. No him, no me.
Maybe this is my fright talking, maybe it’s my doubt, or both. The fright of losing him, losing myself, giving up, questioning if I really deserve him, if he deserves someone abit more normal.
I honestly don’t think I could ever stop loving him, if he asked me to, no matter how hard I tried.
Again all my feelings are attacking me at once, and as usual I can’t stand it.
I hate feeling like this when I’m at school, I really do, because whenI’m at home and feeling like this I can let my eyes tear up, cry a few tears just because it feels natural, and at school I can’t. I don’t want tha kind of attention on me, it’s scary because people expect an explanation, but i have nothing to give, nothing to say.
“Sometimes whenI push you away, It’s because I need you to pull me closer“
This is me