It’s not real


Written yesterday at about 2 pm

Okay, so how do I start?  There isn’t really a right way saying this, saying that I let myself and everyone I care about down.

Yeah I did it, I did what I said I was done with, and I don’t know what to say.

The disappointment over myself didn’t come before now, I feel it like a stone in my tummy, it’s almost like it’s saying, “It was wrong of you to give in, I knew this feeling would come sooner or later.”

Last night I just sat there in bed, felt nothing, and not in a bad way.  So I found my razor and kept weighing it in my hand, looking at it, like I was wondering if it was worth it.

Suddenly I just did it, I couldn’t stop, just kept going and going, just like I was telling myself that the deeper it was the better it would feel, I was convinced.  And the weirdest thing is that I felt relieved afterwards, all the unwanted feelings were gone, and the only feeling left was relief.

I’m not ashamed, I’m disappointed, disappointed in myself, in what I did, in the fact that I gave in.

I don’t know how to explain it, I can’t find the words.

I’m scared and confused. Don’t know what to think of it. Nobody knows yet, and I’m still not sure if I want to tell anyone, they’ve had enough worry from my side.

 

I can’t think straight, the words gets mixed inside my head and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I want to throw away my razor, but I can’t, I just can’t.

I know I have to stop acting before thinking when it comes to these things, but sometimes I just do it, no matter how long I sit asking myself “ Should or shouldn’t?”

I felt good afterwards; I was able to sleep, able to escape from my own thoughts and myself.

But I’m wondering (as always) what if I do it another time, and then I won’t be able to stop?

I’M JUST SO CONFUSED!

I don’t know anything, this is completely new to me, new feelings about it, selfish feelings, selfish thoughts, but how am I supposed to deal with them alone?  When the thoughts and feelings become too much, what can I do?

I can’t talk to my mum about it, and I can’t run to him every time everything breaks down, I don’t want to ruin him and our relationship with my problems.

I wish I could just turn off my brain, if only for a couple hours, escape the thoughts, my doubt, my mind.

It’s like it’s me talking, but at the same time it’s not, a voice telling me what to do, demanding me.  Trying to talk me into things I know is wrong, convincing me that it’s right, and makes me forget all the bad things about it, only lets me see the good side of it.

I don’t make much sense, and I probably sound insane but I don’t really care. This is my way of telling my close one’s what’s really going on inside my head, how I‘m really feeling when my mouth won’t listen.

I’m too scared to tell my mum, I’m afraid she’ll be judgmental and get angry with me, giving me the disappointed look that I deserve.  I probably would give myself one too if I could.

I jut wish my mouth would listen.

This is me

InsideOut

xx

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2 thoughts on “It’s not real

  1. Please remove the last image (watermarked ‘poundingheartbeat.com’). I am the owner of this image and gave neither the website you copied this image from, nor your website permission to use this image.

    The original source of the image can be found here:

    World Keeps Spinning

    Kieran Campbell

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