Still here


Hey guys, just letting you all know that I’m still here, I’m still alive.

I haven’t felt like writing lately to be completely honest, just like I refused myself to write.

When I write I kind of go inside myself, take a closer look on issues, i debate with myself sort of, look on all the perspectives, try to find me most positive outcome, and how to solve the problem.

I’ve been kind of happy with my mood, not thinking about problems as much as I normally do, but then again it doesn’t mean that the problem’s not there, that it will fade away and I’ll forget it, it doesn’t work that way, but god I wish it did.

Everything stands still, no movement inside my head, just like someone turned off the power of my thoughts, I just stopped writing.  I’ve been sitting her for five minutes with these last sentences, and even though it’s not really that long, it feels like I’ve been sitting still forever. No clue about what I should write.

I know I’m sitting here writing in class because I need to get over my fear of feeling exposed, like everyone’s watching my screen.

When I’m at home I always write when I’m alone, never with people around me, and I don’t let people read my blog with me in the room, it’s like I’m afraid, afraid of judgment, and questions that I’m unable to answer.  Like I feel useless, i don’t know..

Another question is wither I should just give up on trying to build an relationship with my dad, because it really doesn’t look like it’s going anywhere, like I’m the only one trying. Yeah I know he said that we were gonna take this my speed, but I can’t do it alone, I need to know that he’ll try to make an effort, at least try to give it a shot, but so far nothing.

I miss him, I really do, but I’m also still scared, but I’m not sure of what, maybe it’s because I don’t wanna get hurt again, that I might be afraid of falling down into that dark hole again if it ends badly, and that I won’t get back up on my feet.  I honestly have no idea.

I texted him yesterday, asking if he wanted to take a walk with me somethime, I jumped right into it, and I felt stupid asking him, but at least I tried. He haven’t replied, and I don’t know what to think of it.

I know he thinks he’s giving me time, but what he really does is pushing me further away, and making it more and more difficult to get back.

I really want to have a relationship to him, a real one, but there’s so much doubt

This is me

InsideOut

xx

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