There’s so much I should’ve done, that I could’ve done by now, and I’m not sure why I haven’t. Maybe it’s because I just didn’t want to be bothered with it, just pushed further away until I forgot it, and then I remember it again in the last moment, when it’s too late.
I have a problem with commitment, to myself, I always tell myself to do things, but it almost never comes to that point where I actually do it. I think the reason is that I’ve been listening to the voice inside my head for too long, telling me “ Why bother? You won’t do it anyways, it won’t help, it won’t change anything.”
It’s like the “voice” which is really my own doubt questioning everything, looking at things only negative and insecure. It has control over every inch of my life, makes me question everything, everyone.
So my question is, how do you defeat you opponent, when the opponent is yourself?
I know my own weaknesses, and also my strengths, but what difference does it make when I’m supposed to fight myself, gain control again when I’m already in control in one way, but on the other hand I’m not, like I’m parted into two different persons completing each other and making one, me.
The first part, or side of me is the always negative one, questioning and doubting, but most of all, the part that blames itself (which is me) for everything. Putting all the goods things in the shadow, and making me want to hurt myself.
And then you have the second part of me, which is me, the person I am most of the time, the one that other people see, the part being very chatty and making others laugh with random acts or/and bad jokes, the reasonable part, appreciating, holding on for dear life, the reflective one.
I know that if there only was one part of me, the good part as I like to call it, then I wouldn’t been myself, so I guess that the parts come as a package deal with one promise; that I can be myself.
I got an appointment with Monica on Thursday, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to talk to her about this, if I’ll be able to explain to her, make her “understand”. And then again doubt kicks in, doubting that she’ll understand, that I can explain, and the fright of sounding more insane that what I already do.
There are so many questions inside my head, questions I wish I had the answers to, but I don’t, or maybe I do? Maybe I just haven’t found them yet. They say that you have the answers to all your questions inside, so maybe I just have to look “deeper”? Or maybe I’m just not ready to have them yet?
I believe that with every answer you get, you get more questions needing to be answered, and that’s how the circle goes, because one person cannot know everything.
Never lose faith, believe that everything will turn out to be okay, because it will.
This is me