It’s getting more odd than ever, it’s like I challenge myself to see how much I can take before I break down and do something stupid, like I force myself to not do something I should do, something I need to do, just to see how much I can take.
I know I should stop doing it, but the truth is that I’m not aware of it before the damage is done, it’s like I don’t notice what I’m tricking myself into by telling myself that I really don’t want to, while another part of me whispers in the back of my head that I should because I’m committed to it, that I should go because it will make me feel better.
I wasn’t planning on going to school today, but I am, I’m forcing myself to go, no matter how hard the voice tries to tell me that I feel too bad to go to school, that I should stay home, find a bad way of making me feel better but at the same time making me feel worse.
My wrists are clear, no scabs, only darker scars, but I haven’t done anything lately, and I’m happy with it, I’m happy with myself for holding on, not doing anything drastic. But the more I hold on, the stronger the urge to do it is when I’m feeling down. And the voice gets more intense, saying things like “Just do it, it passes quicker, just a little bit, come on, you know you want to, you need to do it, you have to do it.” It’s like it begs me to do it, and telling me that there’s nothing wrong with it.
I missed my appointment with Monica today, and I know it was on purpose wither I wanted to or not. She called me, and the second time I answered, she told me she was worried since I didn’t show, and that really hit me hard, I had made her worried! I felt even worse because that was the one thing I was trying to avoid.
Thousands of things went through my head when she said she was worried, and I wondered, what was she worried about? That I had given up? Or that something had happened to me? What exactly was she worried about I wondered, I still do. I know it’s silly to wonder why people worry about you, I know it’s because they care, but that still doesn’t stop me from wondering.
Well I guess I have to get by arse to school, I just had to write some of it out, and I keep my fingers crossed that I can make it through the day.
Written today at 8.40 am
Mind 1 – Me 1
This is me