Yesterday was one of the worst days in a long time, I felt so insecure, so down, my mood was like a rollarcoaster.
It started with being extremely cold, and I woke up being down, the bus was late, so I was left standing there drowning in my own thoughts, my own insecurity, I waited for 30 minutes(?) before it came, and drowning in your own doubt for 30 minutes or more can’t be good.
When I arrived at college, I just sat by my desk staring out in the air. I cannot really describe the feeling I had, or the thoughts, because I don’t remember much of it, like I’m sort of “protecting” myself from it so it doesn’t happen again.
But I do remember that I thought “I wanna go to sleep and never wake up again..”, and those are the most common thougts I have when I’m down, I wonder if I really can put up with myself anylonger, if it’s better to just give up. But the thing is, I know I can’t give up, I won’t let myself even try to give up, not after last time. I have brothers who need me, I can’t put them through the pain of losing someone. And just imagine how many people that would suffer from the loss, I can’t put them through something like that, I just can’t.
I’m not suicidal, but the truth is that I used to be, I planned it, almost did it twice, and don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to be here, but I can’t keep myself from wondering if the ones I care about would be better off without? I mean, they would’ve had less to worry about, and the last thing I want to do, but I always manage to do, is making others worried.
Today has only just started, and I can’t do anything but hoping that today will be okay, maybe even good, but I’m not getting my hopes up just watch them break right before my eyes.
When I hope, I need to be certain that it’s worth hoping for, that there is an possibility that the outcome is positive, that it’s at least a 80% chanse that it’s positive.
I’m not sure what I’m babbeling about, it seems like I only manage to confuse myself.
Maybe it’s time to once again try to sort out all the different thoughts inside my head, put them back in their boxes and lock them away. God I wish that was possible, but maybe it would just make it worse?
I don’t know, but I’ll leave it like that for now.
I spend the night at my sisters place with her cat sleeping ontop of me, and never have I felt more safe, like someone’s arm around me, keeping me safe, protecting me from whatever I needed to be protected from.
I’m just being odd now, so I’ll end it here.
[I Miss Youu <3]
This is me