Heads up!


Thought I’d give you guys a little heads up, I’m going away for two weeks on vacation. See you all when I come back, Peace!  Take care ( :

Before I wrap this up, I’ll leave you guys a very beautiful poem by E.E Cummings, enjoy!

This one’s for you, when nothing’s going your way, when you’re surrounded by darkness, when you’re in your darkest hours, remember, I’ll be thinking of you, now, always, forever. ❤

I carry your heart with me, by E.E Cummings

I carry your heart with me(I carry it in
my heart) I am never without it(anywhere
I go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)I want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart(I carry it in my heart)

This is me

Inside out!

xx

Can you see me now? – Poem


Written 18.12.2010

.

Can you see me,

Can you see me now?

Can you feel me,

Can you feel my pain?

My anger,

Me, putting myself in danger?

,

One cut deeper

The distance grows longer

The road to freedom’s now shorter

,

She feels no pain

Yet it’s there

Somewhere inside of her

Craving her to answer

Its desperate call

So bloodthirsty

Demanding her to fall

,

She answers to bring it to silence

One cut she tells herself

And it will be quiet

But one turns to many

And many turns to scars

,

Help me she cries

Set me free

Take this pain away from me

,

She searches for help

But no one sees her

No one notice

That something deceives her

,

She falls

Sirens, doctors

Beeping machines

Overdose someone says

,

Can you see me,

Can you see me now?

xx

Thoughts.


Written yesterday night ( :

This week, or is it these weeks? I’m not sure, but so far everything has been going rather well, almost none mood swings or down times, so it sort of gets you thinking, is it finally over?

Am I free now; has the voice inside of me left for good? One part of me hopes that it really is over, is desperate to believe so, but the most reasonable, but also doubtful part of me knows that it’s far from over, I still have  a long way to go before I can say that it’s finally over.

I’m doing rather well, so I’m having a good period in my life, if that’s what I should call it, I don’t know.  But I’m wondering if this happy period is just to take my mind off everything, take my guards down, I don’t know, but I always worry and question things.

I mean, maybe this happy period is to take my mind off everything, to give me time to recover, or maybe it’s to make me let my guards down and lose focus so that if I get down that everything will fall to pieces.

I’m worried and confused, yet I’m calm and trying to be reasonable, but it’s difficult since this is all new to me, so I’m allowed to be suspicious, right?

I’m trying really hard not to worry too much, just enjoy the non sad statement, the “normal” statement, the time when I’m myself, who I should be at all times.

But the thing is that I’m worried that if I don’t pay attention that everything will fall to pieces, the voice will take over and there’s nothing I can do but obey it.

At this moment I’m trying really hard to sort my thoughts out, but I’m getting so confused, it’s like all my thoughts about this come at once and mix together in my head leaving me all puzzled.

Just like when you walk in on a conversation and all you hear is “And they didn’t even notice”, and you go into another room and all you hear is “I know right, I told her not to do it”.

That’s what it’s like in my head, right now I only get pieces of my thoughts before they move on to another one.

Even though I’m not able to sort my thoughts out it feels clearer when I’ve managed to explain, not only to myself, but also to those of you who reads this, in a way that not only I understand.

I feel like I’ve managed to explain how my head feels, and surely enough I’m not the only one feeling like this or has felt like it.

You know that time when you have that feeling you just can’t explain, no matter how hard you try to find the words for it, but you can’t? And then suddenly you find someone else’s words to match that feeling or whatever it is, those words that explain it so perfectly, yet so simple, it feels great to finally say; Yes, that’s exactly what I meant.

Do you know that feeling?

This is me

InsideOut

xx

Off button, please?!


Hey guys, I’m sorry I haven’t posted anything lately, but I just haven’t felt like ruining my ”normal” mood, and I’ve been sick these last few days so I’ve sort of had enough to deal with.

I’m still here, not planning on going anywhere. At least not until my time’s up.

The days I was sick I was locked inside my room staring at my four walls, and it’s amazing what random things that go around inside your head, all the songs you know by heart, old conversations, then you fall asleep, and when you wake up it goes all over again.

Spending two or three days just feeling exhausted and tired after what felt like your body trying to turn your insides out for ten hours straight, it’s like I embrace every feeling I get, try to hold on to it as long as possible.

Right now it’s between neutral, not feeling anything and a little down, and to be honest it feels like I could burst into tears for the smallest thing, the littlest incident could break me.

And to top it all I’m really confused, confused to why I’m feeling like this, what caused it and things like that.

A few minutes ago at dinner we had pizza, and I had to go get the pizza-wheel to cut it, and for the first time in a week I heard a little whisper in the back of my head, but kind of louder than a whisper, more like a command, or like it was begging me to cut myself again, to cut the pain, the confusion, the feelings, cut it all away.

I have so many thoughts inside my head now, and it’s like I’m not controlling it anymore, things like “maybe I should just try, maybe it will all go away?”

I’m in a constant conflict with myself, because sometimes I’m fully aware that I harm myself, and sometimes I don’t realize it before the damage is done.

It’s like I’m begging myself to find a reason to do it, no matter what it is, just to remove all the confusion, everything.

Then there’s another thing, I’m leaving for Grand Canaria next weekend, so the question is, can I handle all the stares and possibly some questions?

Please someone just push the off button to my head and my feelings, please.

This is me

InsideOut

xx

 

Silent scream for help; written with blood


written 09.12-2010

These are not salty tears

These are red and filled with fears

Filled with emotions and pain

Which alone drives me insane.

One drop, two drops

The flow that never stops

Three drops, four drops

When is it enough?

Five drops, six drops

It’s so hard to stop

Tell me, tell me when is

it enough?

Empty promises

Hidden within

These are not salty tears

Running down my skin

A constant reminder

That I cannot win,

From my chin to my wrists

A constant fight with

my fists.

Seven, eight drops, nine, ten drops

When is it enough?

Please tell me to stop.

xx

Tears of blood..


This is normal

At least for her

So used to watching

The world in a blur

Alone and scared

Sitting in her bed

Confused to what she’s feeling

Trying to find some answers

Below the ceiling

She knows she’s better than this

She knows it’s wrong, but yet so right

Is she strong enough to put up the fight this time?

The knife, the razor blade

Both lays beside her

A voice deep inside screaming

Do it, there’s nothing wrong with it

Even though she knows she’s stronger than that

She hates herself for what she’s been doing

Keeps asking herself; what am I pursuing?

She knows too well how it feels to give in

Take the easy way out

Cut it away, every unwanted painful feeling

But it’s only the darkness, deceiving

Smiling with blood on her wrists

Whispering; I won.. Again.

Convince her, she’s better than this

Tell her she’s better than that

The only tears she sheds

Are the tears of blood.

 

xx

Feelings.


Written 00:19am December 6th

A few minutes ago I just finished watching the wedding planner with my mum; it was such a nice film, a romantic comedy, or a chick flick as some may call it. Anyways, it left me with the happiest feeling I’ve had in ages, like I couldn’t stop smiling.

It might sound silly, even stupid but it made me realize just how lucky I am to have found someone who loves me for me, who wouldn’t want to change anything about me.

When you’re in love is when you truly appreciate the small things, like, just laughing with him, or just talking, that would easily make my day.

Just spending time together, having fun, and focusing on that exact moment, because that’s really all that matters.  Put the past behind you, don’t think about the future, enjoy the present, the moment, because right now is really all we have.

A happy feeling isn’t just something you can put into words, you have to feel it to know that there’s no way you could capture a happy feeling in words, maybe in pictures, but not in words. Feelings are just something you feel, it has nothing to do with words.

Feelings are actions, things you do that reflects what you feel, like for example when you’re sad you turn quiet, sometimes you cry, when you’re angry you sometimes shout or lets it out on others, when you’re happy you smile almost all the time, you smile with your eyes.

You’re full of emotions, feelings, and the only way to truly express them is through actions, through what you do.

When it comes to me, I struggle with both, I can’t seem to find the words to talk to someone about feelings, and I feel odd trying to express feelings through actions, like it gets too much. My guess is that I’m probably not the only one feeling like that.

Feelings are incredibly scary and beautiful at the same time, like if you feel something as strong as you’ve never felt it before, that’s scary, but in a good way, you learn about yourself, you push your own limits, just a little further.

I love it when you don’t want to sleep because reality is better than your dreams.

Everyone deserves to be loved, but it takes time finding someone that deserves your love and that loves you back equally.

When you least expect it, it could strike you as lightning from a clear sky. You cannot force love to happen, just as you can’t force anyone to love you, give it time, be patient, and when you’re ready it’ll come around and knock you off your feet.

Remember, it’s okay to let someone in.

This is me

InsideOut

xx