Today’s been an okay day, had an appointment with Monica today, where we talked about how I was feeling and some issues.
Yesterday was tough, my mood was swinging a lot, so fast from “normal” to down, in just a blink of an eye, and everything was a struggle.
When it came to about 4pm-ish it started to go really downhill, and to borrow some of Lise’s words; imagine you driving a car, going 120 m/p/h, and hitting a wall. Yeah I crashed, and I guess you know what it made me do, so I won’t say no more.
I was going to the cinema, but I had earlier decided not to, but I went, I had to get out of the house, away from my room, the lonely, empty feeling. It was a struggle, just laying there in bed thinking “Should I stay or should I go?” The bright side of me, told me I had to, so I wouldn’t do anymore damage, the shaded one said “Stay home, it’s best for you” making me doubt.
I got out, took the bus, and went off, and the last I heard of the voice was “It’s not too late to turn around.” Then it faded, drowned out by my music. It usually doesn’t work that way, but at that time I succeeded drowning it into silence.
Today at lunch a friend of mine said “ You’ve harmed/hurt yourself” and I froze, I got scared, kept thinking off and on, ”Does she know, if so how?! I haven’t told anyone.. “
But she meant the bandage on my finger from my accident with my computer, and I must’ve looked quite puzzled since she explained.
At the appointment with Monica today(my therapist), she talked about my blog, how she was concerned for me, and my safety, since I was writing so honest and openly about everything, she was afraid that someone could use it against me etc, etc . But I told her that nobody can use it against me, because I mean 100% what I write, no matter if I would think differently in the future.
We all leave marks in time, and this is one of mine.
[Edit: This is where I lose track because of an random thought. ]
Many of you out there has probably already labelled me as “Emo”, and well that’s up to you, and your reason may be that I’m a self harmer, I dress differently, I write poems, songs, I use the pen, or keyboard as my weapon. But that doesn’t really have anything to do with the “Emo” genre at all.
Here’s a little heads up for those who think they know what it is; It started up as a music genre at the 80’s, and the genre was emotional, about feelings, about feeling lonely etc. Like dashboard confessional.
Now it has turned into a style, in clothes and hair, and has nothing to do with being sad/depressed or practicing self harm.
Yeah sure loads of people dress “emo-Ish” but that doesn’t make them that, and loads of people with that style happens to dress like that and are self harmers. It still gives you no right to label them.
It’s kind of how labels are created, like the jocks, or nerds, the scene kids and god knows what. They were all created the same way, through let’s say five people liking the same thing, like a band, they have the same taste in music and clothes, or in sports, and voila you have a new label.
It’s easy to create a label, but it’s often based on the wrong reasons.
Just like five people dressed in black listening to the same band, three of them happens to be depressed, and one of them a self harmer, and suddenly it has become their mark, everyone starts thinking that all the people with a crazy black hairstyle and all dressed in black are like that, but it’s not true, not nearly 10% of those who’re “Emo” as you’d like to call tem, are depressed or self harmers or god knows what.
I’m just pretty fed up with it.
I sort of lost track on my subject somewhere down the line, but you get my point.
Just remember that everyone’s different, just because you’re great at school doesn’t make you a nerd, or as much as playing football makes you a jock, or if you dye your hair black with crazy colours makes you scene or what ever it is they decide to label you.
They cannot decide who you are, or who you’ll become. Don’t let them label you, unless the label is “Being yourself.”
This is me