Hey guys, I’m sorry I haven’t posted anything lately, but I just haven’t felt like ruining my ”normal” mood, and I’ve been sick these last few days so I’ve sort of had enough to deal with.
I’m still here, not planning on going anywhere. At least not until my time’s up.
The days I was sick I was locked inside my room staring at my four walls, and it’s amazing what random things that go around inside your head, all the songs you know by heart, old conversations, then you fall asleep, and when you wake up it goes all over again.
Spending two or three days just feeling exhausted and tired after what felt like your body trying to turn your insides out for ten hours straight, it’s like I embrace every feeling I get, try to hold on to it as long as possible.
Right now it’s between neutral, not feeling anything and a little down, and to be honest it feels like I could burst into tears for the smallest thing, the littlest incident could break me.
And to top it all I’m really confused, confused to why I’m feeling like this, what caused it and things like that.
A few minutes ago at dinner we had pizza, and I had to go get the pizza-wheel to cut it, and for the first time in a week I heard a little whisper in the back of my head, but kind of louder than a whisper, more like a command, or like it was begging me to cut myself again, to cut the pain, the confusion, the feelings, cut it all away.
I have so many thoughts inside my head now, and it’s like I’m not controlling it anymore, things like “maybe I should just try, maybe it will all go away?”
I’m in a constant conflict with myself, because sometimes I’m fully aware that I harm myself, and sometimes I don’t realize it before the damage is done.
It’s like I’m begging myself to find a reason to do it, no matter what it is, just to remove all the confusion, everything.
Then there’s another thing, I’m leaving for Grand Canaria next weekend, so the question is, can I handle all the stares and possibly some questions?
Please someone just push the off button to my head and my feelings, please.
This is me