Written yesterday night ( :
This week, or is it these weeks? I’m not sure, but so far everything has been going rather well, almost none mood swings or down times, so it sort of gets you thinking, is it finally over?
Am I free now; has the voice inside of me left for good? One part of me hopes that it really is over, is desperate to believe so, but the most reasonable, but also doubtful part of me knows that it’s far from over, I still have a long way to go before I can say that it’s finally over.
I’m doing rather well, so I’m having a good period in my life, if that’s what I should call it, I don’t know. But I’m wondering if this happy period is just to take my mind off everything, take my guards down, I don’t know, but I always worry and question things.
I mean, maybe this happy period is to take my mind off everything, to give me time to recover, or maybe it’s to make me let my guards down and lose focus so that if I get down that everything will fall to pieces.
I’m worried and confused, yet I’m calm and trying to be reasonable, but it’s difficult since this is all new to me, so I’m allowed to be suspicious, right?
I’m trying really hard not to worry too much, just enjoy the non sad statement, the “normal” statement, the time when I’m myself, who I should be at all times.
But the thing is that I’m worried that if I don’t pay attention that everything will fall to pieces, the voice will take over and there’s nothing I can do but obey it.
At this moment I’m trying really hard to sort my thoughts out, but I’m getting so confused, it’s like all my thoughts about this come at once and mix together in my head leaving me all puzzled.
Just like when you walk in on a conversation and all you hear is “And they didn’t even notice”, and you go into another room and all you hear is “I know right, I told her not to do it”.
That’s what it’s like in my head, right now I only get pieces of my thoughts before they move on to another one.
Even though I’m not able to sort my thoughts out it feels clearer when I’ve managed to explain, not only to myself, but also to those of you who reads this, in a way that not only I understand.
I feel like I’ve managed to explain how my head feels, and surely enough I’m not the only one feeling like this or has felt like it.
You know that time when you have that feeling you just can’t explain, no matter how hard you try to find the words for it, but you can’t? And then suddenly you find someone else’s words to match that feeling or whatever it is, those words that explain it so perfectly, yet so simple, it feels great to finally say; Yes, that’s exactly what I meant.
Do you know that feeling?
This is me