Battles makes you stronger.


Helping others,  giving advice, that’s what I do, not because I’m so damn unselfish, because I can be, but because it’s so much easier than to have to deal with myself and what I’m struggling with.

I see that every time I give an advice, I could’ve followed that advice myself, but I never do, why don’t I?

Why is it so easy to help others, but just not yourself? Why can’t it be just as easy?

Why can’t it be as easy as breathing?

I look back, and I can’t believe that I’ve made it this far. A year ago I though living was impossible, that I couldn’t make it, but I did, so far so good right?

Even when I trip, and it seems like I’m back to where I started, I know that I won’t fall that long, why? Because battles make you stronger, you might not realize that in your everyday life, but when you trip, and it feels like you’re inches from falling, you manage to stumble your way up again, step by step.

You manage to do what you weren’t capable of doing years ago, and that’s what I call progress.

Some need signs of progress almost every day, and when they don’t, they believe that they’ve failed, and when they start to believe that they always fail, that will happen.

And just like I’ve said in an earlier post, say to yourself, I can make it, I will make it, and you will. It might take some time to achieve that victory, but I can tell you this, it’s worth the wait.

A year ago, or maybe even six months I wasn’t able to pressure myself at all to make things happen, to make me say things that needed to be said, but I’ve noticed that it’s a little easier now, and if I keep doing it, it will be easier, and maybe someday I don’t need to pressure myself at all, I mean, who knows, right?

I’ve wondered lately that if these struggles so many of us get are for greater purposes, for us to be stronger for other reasons, maybe to help others win their battles, to be strong for them, for them knowing that we also know what real pain feels like.

I can’t believe that my opinion on suicide was that it was selfish, but it was probably because I didn’t know what it was all about, I mean, the first time I got asked if I was suicidal was in 9th grade, by the school nurse, and I said no, and explained that I thought it was selfish and evil.

A few months later that opinion changed, I was terrified, didn’t know what to do, didn’t tell anyone about my wish to end it all. I had weekly appointments with the school nurse, and again I got the question if I was suicidal, but she sort of tricked me out of it, to tell her that yes, I was.

She asked if I ever had thoughts or wanted to start all over again, and I said yes, thinking that she meant something else, but by the look in her eyes, I could tell that she had put the pieces together.

One part of me was relieved, another one terrified.

Now I’m glad she tricked it out of me, I mean, who knows where I would’ve been now if it hadn’t come out?

All I’m saying is, if you feel like something’s wrong, don’t doubt for a second to talk to someone about it, no matter if you’re convinced what others have bigger problems, or it’s not that serious, because trust me, it is serious.

I wish that having problems wasn’t as hush, hush as it is now, that people with problems weren’t considered as freaks or retards.  I hope that someday people can be open about it and not be afraid of being judged.

Having problems aren’t anything to be ashamed of.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!

Bekka – InsideOut

xx

 

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Is it an art?


This is the first time I’ve actually felt like writing again, not because I didn’t want to, but because it was too difficult to explain.

This last week I’ve been on something you could call a doubt trip, I’ve been doubting so much I didn’t know what to do or where to stand, I just felt so lost, so numb, I didn’t feel anything but doubt and sadness.

I’ve been walking around with the feeling that, this is it, I give up, I can’t do this anymore. I wanted to get out, but at the same time I held on for dear life.

A part of me knows that my time isn’t up, and it won’t be in many, many years, but the other part of me has been ready for over a year, it knows how to just let everything go, to let all hopes fade.

Imagine you’re nervous about something, a bad thing, like you know you’ve done something wrong, and your parents or whoever it is, is probably going to ground you, yell or whatever you think they might do. You know that feeling?

Yups, that’s the feeling I’ve been walking around with for a week, but not cause I was nervous, but because I was doubtful, because nothing made sense, and I didn’t know what to do.

But I’m glad it’s starting to pass now, it’s about time.

The good old sadness is coming back, the familiar kind, that kind that I know how to handle, that I know will pass and leave until next time it feels like I need to be reminded of its existence, that it’s still there.

The doubtful sadness is more intense, like something’s eating you up from inside and that feeling don’t pass. The only time I didn’t feel it was in my sleep, like I escaped from it, but only temporary.

I don’t know why I’m writing about this, but I guess it makes everything clearer in one way. That’s just who I am, at the moment everything seems to get better, I start digging, maybe for answers, maybe for new questions, but to be honest I never know what I might discover.

I’m a person who speculates a lot, about everything really, from life and death, to why things happen, anything. That can be positive and negative, positive because it means that I very often think things through, like consequences and stuff like that before I do it.

And negative because it’s like I’m trying to find a secret meaning in something someone said or wrote, like I can’t settle with the obvious.  But then again, that’s not always.

I sometimes read too much between the lines, and in my mind it can become completely turned around to something else, maybe not even close to what you meant in the first place.

I’ve noticed that when I write I’m pretty random, every headline I choose is different from the others, but yet connected in some way.

Like if you write a song or a poem, or whatever it is, and you write a first line, then the second or third or maybe even the forth line you sort of write something that sums it all up, like an explanation maybe.

Like the second line is giving reasons and explanations for the first one.

But then again, that’s not in every song or every poem, text, or whatever you’re writing or maybe it is?  It depends on the person reading it, how he or she chooses to understand it, which words they choose to explain it.

I just noticed that this whole text have had two different subjects, expressing yourself and feelings, or maybe it’s just me, but then again, who knows.

To you it might be about something completely different, it all comes down to how you read between the lines, what you find, or maybe it is what you don’t find?

“In your life, expect some trouble

When you worry, you make it double.”

“Everything’s gonna be alright,

Everything’s gonna be just fine.”

These are the lines that have kept me going, convinced me to believe that everything was going to be just fine, that it will be.

I have sort of been told to have an emotional break, to set my thoughts on hold, stop thinking about why I feel whatever I’m feeling, and just feel it.

So far it’s been going rather well, I’ve been feeling better, and even when I’m alone, and my thoughts try to take over again, I react by telling myself to stop, yes, out loud.

I feel rather silly at the time, and I can’t help but laugh, but it helps. But one thing I know is that you can’t keep pushing everything away, at least not forever.

Sometimes when

I push you away

It’s because

I need you to

Pull me closer.

.

Read between the lines; leave a comment where you tell what you get out of this.

Bekka – InsideOut

xx

Hopeless?


One thing is important to remember, things doesn’t stop happening just because someone stopped talking about it.

Sometimes I wish I could just open up, like a book, show people how I feel, let all my feelings out. But at the same time it doesn’t feel right, but I wish I could.

I mean, how can you just randomly tell someone in your family that you’ve harmed yourself, that you’re sad, tired of it all, I mean, I can’t, it just doesn’t feel right, especially when I’ve got so much practice pretending that everything’s fine.

They expect you to, but they don’t realize just how difficult it is, it’s like turning your insides out, you feel vulnerable.

It’s like you’re being judged, not by words, but by the way they’re looking at you, and I know I shouldn’t care about that, but I can’t help it.

I mean, for humans it comes natural to judge others, that’s just how we are, but for me the judging makes it almost impossible for me to open up to the ones close to me, like my family.

Like last time when my mum found out last year, it was like she had decided to not understand, she didn’t want to understand. Made up her own reasons, and even when she asked me and I tried to answer she cut me off and made up her own.

So I guess that where I got the idea of that no one will understand, because they aren’t me, and that I’m not able to explain properly.  Just like my thoughts and feelings don’t wanna cooperate. Like sometimes my thoughts tell my feelings what to feel, and sometimes I just feel things, and I have no clue why or anything, like a lightning from a blue sky.

On good days I almost don’t feel at all, my thoughts have decided to only let happy feelings pass through the gate and up to the surface, and lock the other ones up.

I sort of forget all my problems and everything bad for a while, and I like it, but I know that it always comes back some time.

And right now I feel like there really aren’t a way out of this, that no one can help me out of it, and I started feeling like that after the last session with my therapist, because she didn’t understand, and then who can?

To be honest I’m not sure exactly what she didn’t understand, but that was the feeling that nearly knocked me off my feet.

I don’t know what to do at the moment, I really want to believe that everything will be okay, believe that she does understand and is capable of helping me through all of this, but right now, it isn’t looking too bright.

Fireflight – All I need to be.

I’m so negative right now, god knows I am, but for some reason it feels right, familiar, and even though it hurts, it feels like this is who I’m supposed to be.

But I really don’t want to be that person, not now, not two years ago, and not in a year from now.

“Everything’s distant
And I don’t know what to believe
It’s so hard,
Lost in the world’s confusion.”

– Jamestown Story, Goodbye (I’m sorry)

.

Bekka – InsideOut

xx

Nothing’s bigger than love.


I’ve been having a rather weird day, mood swings and you name it, and it’s kind of ironic because yesterday I told my therapist that I haven’t had that much mood swings lately, and then before you know it they come running, making up for lost time.

My mood swings started this morning, the teacher was talking about kids, how they should be treated and talked to and things like that, and then my mind lost track, got me into another headline; “Death and suicide/ suicidal behaviour”, like out of nowhere, so I guess that’s where it started.

A year ago or more I was suicidal, I wanted, wished for something to take me away, take my life away, but luckily for me I was too parted and afraid to do it, so what kept me going was myself harming, kind of like a safe line, a way to put away my feelings and thoughts, making me smile again, laugh.

I wondered even then if I was bipolar, it’s like you have serious mood swings, really down and then suddenly you’re hyper and everywhere, which I was, but I don’t know, I’m just happy it’s not so much like that anymore, it kind of tired me out.

Yesterday my therapist  got me into the subject about my mum and things like that, and I told her that the year I was at my worst, my mum had said that she had seen that I was struggling and sad(this was after), but she never said or did anything about it.

And to be honest I wonder even now why she didn’t, why I had to come to her to get help even though I was scared, but feeling so bad I couldn’t stand life anymore, I wanted to get out and be forgotten.  I never asked her why, just like I didn’t ask my old friends why they didn’t ask either, but to be honest, I’m not sure if I want to know.

The possible reasons may be; afraid to ask, they know I’d deny and lie about it, the typical “I’m fine” phrase. Didn’t know how to ask, or maybe they were just waiting for me to come to them?

I’m not angry or bitter, all I’m wondering is why.

You know when you’re on the bus or in town, or even just on the streets, and you see a person that looks so familiar to somebody you used to know, but no matter how much you stare at them you can’t be sure if it is them or not, well that happened to me on the bus on the way home.

That person, or that guy looked so familiar, but at the same time he didn’t, he reminded me of someone, and the likeness between them were weird, but I don’t think it was him at all, it can’t be.

Another thing that came to mind when I got off the bus was how much safer and honest my current relationship is, like I knew my boyfriend a lot better before I even started liking him as more than a friend. He was my closest friend, he helped me talk to my mum when I was sure that this was it, I can’t live anymore, but he helped me through it, and I’m still here.

My two last relationships have been more of a “need to know” basis, it was difficult for me to open up, and when nobody expected me to do so, I stayed closed.

It’s not until now that I’ve realized how important it is to open up to somebody, how important trust is.

But, don’t open up to anybody; let them give you a good reason for you to trust them.

One thing I know for sure is that everything will be okay, I will be okay, but sometimes, when I forget to believe, I always have someone by my side reminding me that;“Everything will be okay, you just have to be patient, and remember, we’ve got all the time in the world.”

You start to hope, before you believe.

Bekka – InsideOut

xx

 

Parents and Brainwashing


Right now I’m lying here in my room not too sure about what today’s topic(s) will be, but when has that ever stopped me?

To be completely honest I miss having someone to talk to about almost everything, I mean, I have my boyfriend, which is at the same time my best friend, so we pretty much talk about everything. But wouldn’t it be weird to talk about girly stuff to him, don’t you think?

I usually talk to my mum about girly stuff, ask for advice and things like that, but some things are hard to discuss with your mum, like for example if I liked two guys at once and didn’t know what to do, but that’s just an example, like putting things on the edge to prove a point.

Thing is, it struck me right now that lets say I talked to my mum about sex, and how my boyfriend wanted to, but I wasn’t so sure, she would most defiantly try to convince me to wait, use reversed psychology to try to reach in and try to convince me to wait as long as possible.

Not because I wouldn’t be ready, but because she might feel more succeeded as a parent for making me wait, convincing me that that’s the right thing to do. That is, if you get what I mean?

Keep in mind that this was just an example, like I said; I put things on the edge to prove a point, or an opinion.

Parents are pretty manipulative if you look at it that way, shaping you into the person they want you to be, telling you what’s what. In your first years you could almost say they brainwash you.

I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing, even though I make it sound horrible, I’m just saying what I think of it, what my opinions are.

Thing is, I probably won’t be any different, neither of us will. I mean, in maybe 6-8 years maybe I’ll have my own kids, and without thinking about it, I’ll manipulate and brainwash them as well. I’ll teach them how to behave, how to consider things before you do anything and stuff like that.

When kids make mistakes it doesn’t help yelling at them, because then they surely will be out there before you know it doing it again just to piss you off. I mean, why yell at them when you can sit down with them and explain why what she or he did was so wrong.

Or you could, if it was a little mistake that is, let the kid handle it on its own, let them realize that he or she made a mistake, then if they needed help they could come talk to you.

Calmly sit down and talk about it, explain to them what they could’ve done different, discuss it with them, be open-minded. And if you’re lucky you might even have taught your kid a new life skill, to see things from different perspectives.

I’m not saying it’s easy, but what I’m saying is that yelling and being angry isn’t the solution, it only makes things worse.

Some parents believe that if you yell and become angry when your child makes a mistake, it won’t do that mistake again, and with some kids they won’t, but if you repeatedly yell at them for every mistake they make, no matter how small, they will become terrified of making mistakes, and that’s not a good thing, is it?

“Life’s a puzzle, you go through life collecting pieces to different pictures, those pieces are what we call memories”

This is me

InsideOut

xx

 

Face to face with myself.


For those of you that haven’t discovered it yet, I’m back, and the reason to why I haven’t wrote anything these last days is just that things have been going rather well.

No mood swings, no downtime, just the regular me, almost always smiling, making jokes, laughing, not a serious face expression in sight.

And to be honest that’s how I’ve wanted it to be for a long time.

So, why can’t I enjoy it, stop worrying about everything and nothing?

I’m suspicious, I mean, things don’t go from bad to great in a heartbeat, things doesn’t work that way.  So I’m sort of waiting for the old me to return, waiting for that oh so familiar voice inside of me telling me I’m nothing, that I want to hurt myself, the familiar sadness.

I’m not sure I can explain, but I’ll give it a go.

For some reason it seems like I miss harming myself, and I have no idea why. I’m not sad, but still I feel like I could just go and do it, like it has become a part of me, I don’t know.

And it also seems like I miss the sadness, it was so familiar, surrounding all of me, kind of “safe”. When I was down I knew what I was expecting, I knew what was coming, so I guess I could say that of all my feelings, sadness is the one I know the best.

I don’t want to be sad, I really don’t, but it doesn’t feel right without it either.

When I’m sad the only feeling I’m having at the same time is confusion, and when I’m happy it’s like I have at least ten feelings at the same time, like; confusion, suspicion, worry etc.

So you could say that for me, sadness is easier, I don’t know why, but it is.

It sounds really odd, and it is, I mean, shouldn’t it be much easier to be happy?

I guess some things just don’t make sense.

“If you aren’t finding the answers you’re looking for right now, it doesn’t mean that you won’t find them, it just means that you aren’t ready for them yet.”

I can’t slip up again; I can’t just do something just because it feels right to do it.

Often I get images, pictures in my head dancing before my eyes showing me harming myself, and I don’t know why, it just feels so tempting. Not because I enjoy being in pain, because I don’t, but I think it has something to do with my twisted logic going on and on inside my head.

Like usually when I’ve harmed myself it’s because I’ve felt such a strong emotional pain, so when I harm myself, all I feel is relief, the pain is gone, I can smile again.

So maybe there’s where I’ve got the twisted logic from, I’ve somehow managed to trick my brain into thinking that if I harm myself I’ll feel relief, and because I’ve tricked my  mind into it, I’m pretty sure that if I had done it right now, I would’ve felt it, relief.

Self harming is an addiction, a bad habit that’s nearly impossible to get rid of. You have to resist temptation, remain strong. But how can I remain strong when I still have a voice inside of me telling me that I can’t, that I’m not strong enough, that I can’t resist, then what?

Sometimes I just really want to throw my “tools” away, never look at them again, but I never do it because I start doubting when the voice immediately kicks in telling me that I need them, I have to have them, showing me images of myself doing it over and over again.

I’m twisted, I know, but how am I supposed to manage to resist when a part of me just wants to give in, say fuck it, worry about other things later, just do it.

Like I see it right now, I’m standing face to face with myself, and this time, it doesn’t look like I’m winning.

This is me

InsideOut

xx