Face to face with myself.


For those of you that haven’t discovered it yet, I’m back, and the reason to why I haven’t wrote anything these last days is just that things have been going rather well.

No mood swings, no downtime, just the regular me, almost always smiling, making jokes, laughing, not a serious face expression in sight.

And to be honest that’s how I’ve wanted it to be for a long time.

So, why can’t I enjoy it, stop worrying about everything and nothing?

I’m suspicious, I mean, things don’t go from bad to great in a heartbeat, things doesn’t work that way.  So I’m sort of waiting for the old me to return, waiting for that oh so familiar voice inside of me telling me I’m nothing, that I want to hurt myself, the familiar sadness.

I’m not sure I can explain, but I’ll give it a go.

For some reason it seems like I miss harming myself, and I have no idea why. I’m not sad, but still I feel like I could just go and do it, like it has become a part of me, I don’t know.

And it also seems like I miss the sadness, it was so familiar, surrounding all of me, kind of “safe”. When I was down I knew what I was expecting, I knew what was coming, so I guess I could say that of all my feelings, sadness is the one I know the best.

I don’t want to be sad, I really don’t, but it doesn’t feel right without it either.

When I’m sad the only feeling I’m having at the same time is confusion, and when I’m happy it’s like I have at least ten feelings at the same time, like; confusion, suspicion, worry etc.

So you could say that for me, sadness is easier, I don’t know why, but it is.

It sounds really odd, and it is, I mean, shouldn’t it be much easier to be happy?

I guess some things just don’t make sense.

“If you aren’t finding the answers you’re looking for right now, it doesn’t mean that you won’t find them, it just means that you aren’t ready for them yet.”

I can’t slip up again; I can’t just do something just because it feels right to do it.

Often I get images, pictures in my head dancing before my eyes showing me harming myself, and I don’t know why, it just feels so tempting. Not because I enjoy being in pain, because I don’t, but I think it has something to do with my twisted logic going on and on inside my head.

Like usually when I’ve harmed myself it’s because I’ve felt such a strong emotional pain, so when I harm myself, all I feel is relief, the pain is gone, I can smile again.

So maybe there’s where I’ve got the twisted logic from, I’ve somehow managed to trick my brain into thinking that if I harm myself I’ll feel relief, and because I’ve tricked my  mind into it, I’m pretty sure that if I had done it right now, I would’ve felt it, relief.

Self harming is an addiction, a bad habit that’s nearly impossible to get rid of. You have to resist temptation, remain strong. But how can I remain strong when I still have a voice inside of me telling me that I can’t, that I’m not strong enough, that I can’t resist, then what?

Sometimes I just really want to throw my “tools” away, never look at them again, but I never do it because I start doubting when the voice immediately kicks in telling me that I need them, I have to have them, showing me images of myself doing it over and over again.

I’m twisted, I know, but how am I supposed to manage to resist when a part of me just wants to give in, say fuck it, worry about other things later, just do it.

Like I see it right now, I’m standing face to face with myself, and this time, it doesn’t look like I’m winning.

This is me

InsideOut

xx

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