I’ve been having a rather weird day, mood swings and you name it, and it’s kind of ironic because yesterday I told my therapist that I haven’t had that much mood swings lately, and then before you know it they come running, making up for lost time.
My mood swings started this morning, the teacher was talking about kids, how they should be treated and talked to and things like that, and then my mind lost track, got me into another headline; “Death and suicide/ suicidal behaviour”, like out of nowhere, so I guess that’s where it started.
A year ago or more I was suicidal, I wanted, wished for something to take me away, take my life away, but luckily for me I was too parted and afraid to do it, so what kept me going was myself harming, kind of like a safe line, a way to put away my feelings and thoughts, making me smile again, laugh.
I wondered even then if I was bipolar, it’s like you have serious mood swings, really down and then suddenly you’re hyper and everywhere, which I was, but I don’t know, I’m just happy it’s not so much like that anymore, it kind of tired me out.
Yesterday my therapist got me into the subject about my mum and things like that, and I told her that the year I was at my worst, my mum had said that she had seen that I was struggling and sad(this was after), but she never said or did anything about it.
And to be honest I wonder even now why she didn’t, why I had to come to her to get help even though I was scared, but feeling so bad I couldn’t stand life anymore, I wanted to get out and be forgotten. I never asked her why, just like I didn’t ask my old friends why they didn’t ask either, but to be honest, I’m not sure if I want to know.
The possible reasons may be; afraid to ask, they know I’d deny and lie about it, the typical “I’m fine” phrase. Didn’t know how to ask, or maybe they were just waiting for me to come to them?
I’m not angry or bitter, all I’m wondering is why.
You know when you’re on the bus or in town, or even just on the streets, and you see a person that looks so familiar to somebody you used to know, but no matter how much you stare at them you can’t be sure if it is them or not, well that happened to me on the bus on the way home.
That person, or that guy looked so familiar, but at the same time he didn’t, he reminded me of someone, and the likeness between them were weird, but I don’t think it was him at all, it can’t be.
Another thing that came to mind when I got off the bus was how much safer and honest my current relationship is, like I knew my boyfriend a lot better before I even started liking him as more than a friend. He was my closest friend, he helped me talk to my mum when I was sure that this was it, I can’t live anymore, but he helped me through it, and I’m still here.
My two last relationships have been more of a “need to know” basis, it was difficult for me to open up, and when nobody expected me to do so, I stayed closed.
It’s not until now that I’ve realized how important it is to open up to somebody, how important trust is.
But, don’t open up to anybody; let them give you a good reason for you to trust them.
One thing I know for sure is that everything will be okay, I will be okay, but sometimes, when I forget to believe, I always have someone by my side reminding me that;“Everything will be okay, you just have to be patient, and remember, we’ve got all the time in the world.”
You start to hope, before you believe.
Bekka – InsideOut