Hopeless?


One thing is important to remember, things doesn’t stop happening just because someone stopped talking about it.

Sometimes I wish I could just open up, like a book, show people how I feel, let all my feelings out. But at the same time it doesn’t feel right, but I wish I could.

I mean, how can you just randomly tell someone in your family that you’ve harmed yourself, that you’re sad, tired of it all, I mean, I can’t, it just doesn’t feel right, especially when I’ve got so much practice pretending that everything’s fine.

They expect you to, but they don’t realize just how difficult it is, it’s like turning your insides out, you feel vulnerable.

It’s like you’re being judged, not by words, but by the way they’re looking at you, and I know I shouldn’t care about that, but I can’t help it.

I mean, for humans it comes natural to judge others, that’s just how we are, but for me the judging makes it almost impossible for me to open up to the ones close to me, like my family.

Like last time when my mum found out last year, it was like she had decided to not understand, she didn’t want to understand. Made up her own reasons, and even when she asked me and I tried to answer she cut me off and made up her own.

So I guess that where I got the idea of that no one will understand, because they aren’t me, and that I’m not able to explain properly.  Just like my thoughts and feelings don’t wanna cooperate. Like sometimes my thoughts tell my feelings what to feel, and sometimes I just feel things, and I have no clue why or anything, like a lightning from a blue sky.

On good days I almost don’t feel at all, my thoughts have decided to only let happy feelings pass through the gate and up to the surface, and lock the other ones up.

I sort of forget all my problems and everything bad for a while, and I like it, but I know that it always comes back some time.

And right now I feel like there really aren’t a way out of this, that no one can help me out of it, and I started feeling like that after the last session with my therapist, because she didn’t understand, and then who can?

To be honest I’m not sure exactly what she didn’t understand, but that was the feeling that nearly knocked me off my feet.

I don’t know what to do at the moment, I really want to believe that everything will be okay, believe that she does understand and is capable of helping me through all of this, but right now, it isn’t looking too bright.

Fireflight – All I need to be.

I’m so negative right now, god knows I am, but for some reason it feels right, familiar, and even though it hurts, it feels like this is who I’m supposed to be.

But I really don’t want to be that person, not now, not two years ago, and not in a year from now.

“Everything’s distant
And I don’t know what to believe
It’s so hard,
Lost in the world’s confusion.”

– Jamestown Story, Goodbye (I’m sorry)

.

Bekka – InsideOut

xx

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