This is the first time I’ve actually felt like writing again, not because I didn’t want to, but because it was too difficult to explain.
This last week I’ve been on something you could call a doubt trip, I’ve been doubting so much I didn’t know what to do or where to stand, I just felt so lost, so numb, I didn’t feel anything but doubt and sadness.
I’ve been walking around with the feeling that, this is it, I give up, I can’t do this anymore. I wanted to get out, but at the same time I held on for dear life.
A part of me knows that my time isn’t up, and it won’t be in many, many years, but the other part of me has been ready for over a year, it knows how to just let everything go, to let all hopes fade.
Imagine you’re nervous about something, a bad thing, like you know you’ve done something wrong, and your parents or whoever it is, is probably going to ground you, yell or whatever you think they might do. You know that feeling?
Yups, that’s the feeling I’ve been walking around with for a week, but not cause I was nervous, but because I was doubtful, because nothing made sense, and I didn’t know what to do.
But I’m glad it’s starting to pass now, it’s about time.
The good old sadness is coming back, the familiar kind, that kind that I know how to handle, that I know will pass and leave until next time it feels like I need to be reminded of its existence, that it’s still there.
The doubtful sadness is more intense, like something’s eating you up from inside and that feeling don’t pass. The only time I didn’t feel it was in my sleep, like I escaped from it, but only temporary.
I don’t know why I’m writing about this, but I guess it makes everything clearer in one way. That’s just who I am, at the moment everything seems to get better, I start digging, maybe for answers, maybe for new questions, but to be honest I never know what I might discover.
I’m a person who speculates a lot, about everything really, from life and death, to why things happen, anything. That can be positive and negative, positive because it means that I very often think things through, like consequences and stuff like that before I do it.
And negative because it’s like I’m trying to find a secret meaning in something someone said or wrote, like I can’t settle with the obvious. But then again, that’s not always.
I sometimes read too much between the lines, and in my mind it can become completely turned around to something else, maybe not even close to what you meant in the first place.
I’ve noticed that when I write I’m pretty random, every headline I choose is different from the others, but yet connected in some way.
Like if you write a song or a poem, or whatever it is, and you write a first line, then the second or third or maybe even the forth line you sort of write something that sums it all up, like an explanation maybe.
Like the second line is giving reasons and explanations for the first one.
But then again, that’s not in every song or every poem, text, or whatever you’re writing or maybe it is? It depends on the person reading it, how he or she chooses to understand it, which words they choose to explain it.
I just noticed that this whole text have had two different subjects, expressing yourself and feelings, or maybe it’s just me, but then again, who knows.
To you it might be about something completely different, it all comes down to how you read between the lines, what you find, or maybe it is what you don’t find?
“In your life, expect some trouble
When you worry, you make it double.”
“Everything’s gonna be alright,
Everything’s gonna be just fine.”
These are the lines that have kept me going, convinced me to believe that everything was going to be just fine, that it will be.
I have sort of been told to have an emotional break, to set my thoughts on hold, stop thinking about why I feel whatever I’m feeling, and just feel it.
So far it’s been going rather well, I’ve been feeling better, and even when I’m alone, and my thoughts try to take over again, I react by telling myself to stop, yes, out loud.
I feel rather silly at the time, and I can’t help but laugh, but it helps. But one thing I know is that you can’t keep pushing everything away, at least not forever.
I push you away
I need you to
Pull me closer.
Read between the lines; leave a comment where you tell what you get out of this.
Bekka – InsideOut