Non-stop.


Edit: Written 4 pm.

Warning, this text contains a picture that could trig people who self harm.

My mind has been going nuts non-stop since yesterday evening, and I’m not sure what’s going on to be honest.

Usually I can tell right away what’s the right thing to do, what’s the positive part, and what’s not, but now I can’t tell which is which.

The urge is there constant, trying to trick me into doing what I know deep down is wrong, I know I shouldn’t, but in a twisted way, my mind make the harming seem like a good thing, like I need it.

I’ve been feeling rather empty since last night, and my mind’s solution to that is to cut myself, so then I’ll feel something. And just like I know I should tell my mum, or at least someone, but I just can’t, I can’t find one single good reason to why I should, I just can’t.

It’s like I want to end up at the hospital, with stitches and who knows what, and my way of reasonable it was that then I had to tell my mum, she would find out anyway.

I really don’t know what to do, I’m tired of fighting it, I just want to give up, give in to the urge. I know I shouldn’t, but I’m not sure how much longer I can resist.

I know for a fact that I won’t tell my mum, not unless it’s really urgent, life threatening.

It’s like I’m completely against telling anyone, even though I know I need to tell someone, but I just can’t get myself to do it, I can’t find a reason good enough to do it, I don’t see the point.

I’m scared, worried, I know what could happen, but at the same time it seems like it’s not serious enough, like; what’s the worst thing that could happen? And even the worst thing, doesn’t seem serious enough.

Do I want to put myself in danger, to risk my own life? I’m completely clueless of what’s happening.

Yesterday I was attending to a group which I often do on Thursdays, and a girl I got to know had her sleeves rolled up, and I saw her scars, and for some reason it trigged the urge to harm myself, like mine weren’t serious enough, they weren’t good enough.

I have no idea what’s going on, but it seems like I’ve already given in to the urge.

 

So wrong it’s right, eh?

Bekka – InsideOut

xx

Edit 2:  Well I managed 12 days, now the question is, will I be able to resist next time, or will it be worse?

Long time no see?


I just realized that it has been almost two weeks or so since I last wrote a post, and I don’t know, it feels weird.

I’ve been in England these last four days visiting my boyfriend, and I really haven’t been this happy in ages, probably not since November last year.

I don’t really have anything else to say, so I’ll just wrap it up and end it with a sort of poem I wrote on the plane home yesterday evening/night.

(Just for the record; I’m still clean, no harming, I’ve kept the promise to myself, and I hope I can keep it this way.)

Drown your sorrows:

Hurry home, where they are waiting

Those razorblades, now stop resisting

You know you want this,

No doubt in mind

Now drown your sorrows,

Don’t let them behind.

.

Images like flashing lights

Blinding you, your mind and sight

Sadness is your biggest fright

So drown your sorrows

With me tonight.

 

What can you do when neither words or actions are enough to prove to someone that you love them, it’s only him or her you want, but they just can’t seem to understand why, what do you do? Keep on telling and showing them? Give up? I don’t know.

I know how hard it is to accept something you don’t understand, you keep wondering why, when you really should just accept it and enjoy every second of it, if it’s a positive thing that is.

I hate what doubt does to you, how it makes you feel, and questions every possible thing in your life, good or/and bad, it never seems satisfied. It’s what makes you unable to accept things the way they are.

When you’ve given all you have and it still isn’t enough, what do you do?

Will the mind ever be satisfied?

One last thing that’s incredibly important when it comes to love; don’t ever try to understand it, just accept it. It makes everything so much easier.

Bekka –InsideOut

xx

A constant struggle.


Edit:

14/02-2011

Almost 2 days.

I want to post this, I really do, but I’m scared of making a complete fool out of myself, I want to get better, stop harming, I really do, but can I make it? And if I don’t, what happens then? Do I continue as before or what?

The reason I chose to stop was because I didn’t, don’t want to do this to myself any more, it’s not helping my situation at all.  Wow that was quick, “I” quickly gave myself a  reason, reply to why it it’s good, in a wicked way, the reason was; it gives you relief, what else does? It helps you! God, I think I’m going insane, I’m sick of arguing with myself.

I need a way of encouragement, but I know I won’t get it from myself.

Written 13th of February 23:23 pm.

It’s weird how in one moment you’re willing to do whatever it takes to get better, you have a reason to fight, and in the next second that reason isn’t good enough, doubt kicks in and pushes you back into place, telling you that you don’t want this, you need to continue the way you do, there aren’t any other options.

A moment ago I had that feeling, I was willing to fight, I didn’t, and I don’t wanna feel the way I do anymore, I was happy, I wanted to feel like that for the rest of my life, then boom, doubt puts it all in the shadow, using a permanent marker to remove those thoughts, make me forget what it really was about, making me “realize” that it’s not worth it, it won’t work.

I really do want to get better, but it’s like I can’t encourage myself enough, for every good reason I find to stop, I find ten more reasons why that one isn’t good enough.

I wish I was strong enough to destroy my razorblades, break them, but I can’t, I’m not sure why, but I’m guessing that it’s because I need to have that option if nothing else works, I don’t know.

A part of me hates what I do to myself, just wants to throw them out, not because I’m ashamed, because I’m not, but because I wish I could handle my feelings in a different way than to cut myself every time I feel lousy.

The other part of me embraces the opportunity it gives, the feeling of relief, a sort of temporary escape, and makes me think that that’s all that matters.

I desperately want to get out of it, break out of that evil circle I’ve made all by myself, but I can’t find a good enough reason to stop, even though I  know that what I’m doing isn’t right.

I hate the fact that when I make decisions I always see both sides of it, sure it can be good in most cases, but not in this.

Like I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from starting in the first place, summer of 09, I really wish I could’ve stopped myself from picking up that knife and testing it, but I did it, and god knows how I regret it.

But then my mind turns everything around, looking at the bigger picture, I was deeply depressed, on the limit to bipolar, and was in such big emotional pain as cause of the sadness, so by finding a way to relief some of the pain was good for me.

I was suicidal for a few months or so, and if I hadn’t had my harming to keep me stabile, then who knows what I could’ve done, my guess is that I’d probably wouldn’t have been here writing this right now.

You see my point, how frustrating it is?

This happens every time I try to make a decision about something, or to tell myself something. It’s like a god damn politician inside my head, claiming to be right, and showing me all the good things about what I think is bad, and the other way around, it just won’t make sense.

I’ve been told I’m good at talking people into doing things, so I guess that’s what I’m doing to myself, giving non- questionable reasons to why it’s right.  I keep talking myself into things, and I just can’t stop, it comes natural to me, but I hate it.

I guess I can’t get away from the “word game” inside my head, but there must be a way of sorting it out, a way to come to an agreement or compromise in some way, right?

I know that by the way I say things, it sounds like there’s another person inside of me, but to be honest, and that’s what it feels like most of the time,  a plus side (the good and sensible part), and a minus side (the bad part, always negative towards improvement from me).

Fireflight – So help me God.

Right now the message I get is “erase it all, you’re not making any sense”, and I feel the urge to do so, erase it all, but I’ve realized that I’ve giving the minus side too much space, been giving in too easily, and that’s something I have to work with, the question is just, how?

Give me the opportunity to choose the wrong path, but still let me be able to choose the right one as well.

This is just a spontaneous decision, but I’m taking baby steps towards my goal, being harm free.

It will be difficult, I’ll probably slip a few times, but it will be worth it.

Last time I harmed was Saturday (12th of February)

I’m already now struggling with the decision, but this time I won’t give in, I can’t. I’m already being told I can’t do it, I won’t make it, and tomorrow you’ll be back where you started.  This time I’m going to prove myself wrong, I will make it, whatever it takes.

1 day.

Bekka – InsideOut

xx

I want to stop, I just don’t know how.


Written 2Pm

Loads of thoughts strike me, I don’t know if they’re ”mine”,  or if it’s the voice in the back of my head speaking, I really don’t.

I’ve begun to wonder if they’ve started to blend together, turning into one.

Or is it just that I’ve become too tired to fight it, to resist.

I have all these questions that I just have to get out, and I know that you guys probably can’t answer them, but they need to be asked.

In my last post I wrote about my mum’s lack of interest in me, and things’ bothering me and it still does bother me. But I’m wondering  (This is just a random thought) if  I’m sort of punishing myself for not trying harder to get her interested, I don’t know.

I don’t really know how to explain this, but I’ll give it a try; Lately I’ve been giving in to the urges that drives me to harm myself, and it’s frustrating, it gets deeper than before, and I can’t do anything about it. Every time I harm myself I’m okay for a while, but then the voice in the back of my head keeps reminding me that it should’ve been deeper, and maybe next time it will?

I’m scared to be honest, and I thought that would stop me from harming, but I was wrong.  I’m afraid that I won’t be able to stop myself before it gets dangerous. It’s like I give in, like I don’t give a rats arse about what’s happening to me, or what I’m putting others through. Even though there are just two people in my life aware of what’s going on.

I want to stop, find another way of dealing with things, but to be completely honest, cutting was the first thing that worked, so I just kind of stuck with it. I’ve read about things you can do that really doesn’t harm yourself, just puts you in the pain that you’re after to find some relief. But I haven’t tried any of them, it’s like I’ve been telling myself for so long that they won’t work, so I can’t get myself to try either, I always come up with excuses to why I shouldn’t, to why I can’t.

The weird thing is, there aren’t many times I could find reasons not to harm myself, and now, there are only one that I can think of; it could be dangerous.   But that doesn’t stop me either.

I know that my parents need to know, and I wish that they did, but what are they supposed to do? They can’t stop me from doing it.

God I feel so guilty, selfish.

Right now I feel like I haven’t even tried, and the reply I get from myself is that; If you haven’t tried, why start now?

I honestly don’t know what to do, and it’s..  I can’t find a suitable word to describe it.

I’m scared, I wish I could just crawl under someplace and hide from it, but I can’t hide from myself, can I?

“Cut deeper, harder, what else are you supposed to do?”

Anything else but that..

Bekka – InsideOut

xx

Accidents Can Happen – Sixx Am


Don’t give up, it takes a while
I have seen this look before
And it’s alright
You’re not alone
If you don’t love this anymore
I hear that you’ve slipped again
I’m here ’cause I know you’ll need a friend

And you know that accidents can happen
And it’s okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It’s not your whole life
It’s only one day
You haven’t thrown everything away.

Take some time and learn to breathe
And remember what it means
To feel alive
And to believe
Something more than what you see
I know there’s a price for this
But some things in life you must resist

And you know that accidents can happen
And it’s okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It’s not your whole life
It’s only one day
You haven’t thrown everything away.

I hear that you’ve slipped again
I’m here ’cause I know you’ll need a friend

And you know that accidents can happen
And it’s okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It’s not your whole life
It’s only one day
You haven’t thrown everything away.

You know that accidents can happen
And it’s okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It’s not your whole life
It’s only one day
You haven’t thrown everything away.

So don’t give up
It takes a while.

Better left unsaid?


How can you tell someone how you really feel, when they’re clearly not interested?

I’ve had an appointment with my therapist today, we talked about feelings, and how it feels when someone close to you wants to know how you feel, but clearly isn’t interested in the response you give. We talked about my harming, about how it has become worse, and things like that.

I just came home from my depression management class, it’s a class where you learn to handle different feelings, how to react, and to just let them pass, and to prevent another long depression.

We got some papers and stuff about the class that we could take home to our parents if we wanted, so I figured, why not, it might help mum understand, and talk to me about it? .. I was wrong, but can you blame me for hoping that for once she’d be interested?

I’ve been told that I need to talk to my mum about it, but the few times that has happened she has asked, then make up her own answers, like she knows best, even though she says she doesn’t know how to help me.  Every time she says “If you just do this, and that, it will help, it will pass”, she makes it sound so easy.

My mum and step dad said that they was gonna figure out a way to help me, and the same time help them understand. That was months ago, they moved on, forgot, I’m still in the same place. But I’ve learned one thing though; to keep my mouth shut, it won’t help talking to my mum when she’s determinant to not understand, to not be interested.

I asked her about that once, but she said she had no clue what I was talking about, so that didn’t help much either, did it?

So my question is, why do I even bother, I mean, do I keep trying, or do I give in and shut up?, because she’s clearly not interested.

Another side of it is that it could be a good thing, because it means that I don’t worry her, she thinks I’m doing just fine, no more harming, no more of any of it. And I see that as a good thing because I hate it when I worry people, ruin their mood, or scare them.

But sometimes I just have to, I can’t keep it to myself anymore, I need to talk about it to someone that I trust, and to be honest, there aren’t many people I trust.

I know I worry them a lot, maybe even scare them, so maybe opening up isn’t such a good idea, I mean, I would rather have them happy and smiling instead of worrying about me.

I don’t know, it’s like I want people to be interested, to care, but at the same time I don’t want to worry or scare them by telling how I feel inside. Weird or what?

Sometimes things are better left unsaid.

Bekka – InsideOut

xx

For better or worse?


I’ve actually wanted to talk to someone about something that has been on my mind this last week, but to be honest I don’t know if I should, I mean,  I don’t want people to worry without reason.

Mentioning it here would mean that sooner or later my mum will find out from someone, but that also means that I might get help with it. But then again, I don’t want them to worry when it’s not wort worrying about, not serious enough to be mentioned anyways. But that’s my opinion.

You know when a drug addict uses one drug for a long time, and suddenly it looses the “effect”, and he or she has to find a stronger drug to get the same result? My problem is much similar to it, and it’s like I’ve taken one step further into the wrong direction.  Let me get this straight, I have NOT started using any sort of drugs. Just for the record.

I’ve been worrying about a lot of different stuff lately, things that really doesn’t need to be worried about. Which have caused a pretty rough week,  not managed to get anything done, or even got myself out of the house.

I wish I could stop worrying about everything, and just accept the fact that it’s there, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I’ll leave it like this,  there’s nothing more to say about this, it’s all irrelevant.

Bekka – InsideOut

13 days ❤

xx