Behind the mask.

Written 2pm

Many people would refer to me as strong, but the truth is that I’m not, I’m a coward. Every time I face a problem I don’t know how to handle, I push it away, when people cause problems, I push them away.

I don’t know why, but that’s what I do. I know I’m only stalling things, pushing them under a carpet, trying to forget that they’re there, but somewhere along the line they will come back up to the surface, and I’ll be forced to deal with them.

I face a problem, I think it through, trying to find solutions, and if I don’t find one, I put them on storage, shove them away.

It’s like the quote; Out of sight, out of mind

But even then the things that’s out of sight come back, like when you’re cleaning your room, you put one thing away, and forget where you put it, but sooner or later you’ll find it.

I’ve been at home today, was supposed to be working in a kindergarten until Thursday, but for some reason I don’t want to, all I want to do is sleep, escape from everything, all my worries, problems, things I have to face.

Like, if I don’t go to kindergarten this week, I’d have to come up with a reason, an explanation to my teachers, then I won’t be able to write the log for those days, which means  that the presentation I’m supposed to have on Tuesday about it will fail.

I don’t know what to do, I feel like I could just go crawl under a rock, and stay there until it’s all over, because I don’t know how to handle it.

I’m falling behind at school, not because I’m lazy, but because I don’t have any concentration to get any of it done, barely even start on something. I have to push myself to get anything done really.

I also have to send in my application for my 2nd year of college on another school, with brand new people.  It’s due 1st of March, so I have to hurry up and do it.

At the start of my college year I managed to get stuff done, but now it’s starting to look very similar to how 9th grade started, and to be honest I don’t remember much of that year, I pretty much just sat there pretending to pay attention while my head was somewhere else.

Every time some of the old symptoms come back, I get scared; I don’t want to fall back into that hole, because what if I can’t manage to get up again?

I know I need to encourage myself to keep going, start working, but I don’t know how, I’ve somehow managed to convince myself that, what’s the point, I’ll fail anyway.

It’s like everything has started to slip through my fingers again.

It might seem like I’ve got everything under control, but the truth is, everything’s a big mess, and all I can do is pretend that I do, and keep a straight face.

I’ve been told I seem so confident, sure of myself, but if they only knew..

Encourage others is easy, but encourage myself? Mission impossible.

Why do I try, when I’m destined to fail?

Bekka – InsideOut



6 thoughts on “Behind the mask.

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