Loads of thoughts strike me, I don’t know if they’re ”mine”, or if it’s the voice in the back of my head speaking, I really don’t.
I’ve begun to wonder if they’ve started to blend together, turning into one.
Or is it just that I’ve become too tired to fight it, to resist.
I have all these questions that I just have to get out, and I know that you guys probably can’t answer them, but they need to be asked.
In my last post I wrote about my mum’s lack of interest in me, and things’ bothering me and it still does bother me. But I’m wondering (This is just a random thought) if I’m sort of punishing myself for not trying harder to get her interested, I don’t know.
I don’t really know how to explain this, but I’ll give it a try; Lately I’ve been giving in to the urges that drives me to harm myself, and it’s frustrating, it gets deeper than before, and I can’t do anything about it. Every time I harm myself I’m okay for a while, but then the voice in the back of my head keeps reminding me that it should’ve been deeper, and maybe next time it will?
I’m scared to be honest, and I thought that would stop me from harming, but I was wrong. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to stop myself before it gets dangerous. It’s like I give in, like I don’t give a rats arse about what’s happening to me, or what I’m putting others through. Even though there are just two people in my life aware of what’s going on.
I want to stop, find another way of dealing with things, but to be completely honest, cutting was the first thing that worked, so I just kind of stuck with it. I’ve read about things you can do that really doesn’t harm yourself, just puts you in the pain that you’re after to find some relief. But I haven’t tried any of them, it’s like I’ve been telling myself for so long that they won’t work, so I can’t get myself to try either, I always come up with excuses to why I shouldn’t, to why I can’t.
The weird thing is, there aren’t many times I could find reasons not to harm myself, and now, there are only one that I can think of; it could be dangerous. But that doesn’t stop me either.
I know that my parents need to know, and I wish that they did, but what are they supposed to do? They can’t stop me from doing it.
God I feel so guilty, selfish.
Right now I feel like I haven’t even tried, and the reply I get from myself is that; If you haven’t tried, why start now?
I honestly don’t know what to do, and it’s.. I can’t find a suitable word to describe it.
I’m scared, I wish I could just crawl under someplace and hide from it, but I can’t hide from myself, can I?
“Cut deeper, harder, what else are you supposed to do?”
Anything else but that..
Bekka – InsideOut