A constant struggle.


Edit:

14/02-2011

Almost 2 days.

I want to post this, I really do, but I’m scared of making a complete fool out of myself, I want to get better, stop harming, I really do, but can I make it? And if I don’t, what happens then? Do I continue as before or what?

The reason I chose to stop was because I didn’t, don’t want to do this to myself any more, it’s not helping my situation at all.  Wow that was quick, “I” quickly gave myself a  reason, reply to why it it’s good, in a wicked way, the reason was; it gives you relief, what else does? It helps you! God, I think I’m going insane, I’m sick of arguing with myself.

I need a way of encouragement, but I know I won’t get it from myself.

Written 13th of February 23:23 pm.

It’s weird how in one moment you’re willing to do whatever it takes to get better, you have a reason to fight, and in the next second that reason isn’t good enough, doubt kicks in and pushes you back into place, telling you that you don’t want this, you need to continue the way you do, there aren’t any other options.

A moment ago I had that feeling, I was willing to fight, I didn’t, and I don’t wanna feel the way I do anymore, I was happy, I wanted to feel like that for the rest of my life, then boom, doubt puts it all in the shadow, using a permanent marker to remove those thoughts, make me forget what it really was about, making me “realize” that it’s not worth it, it won’t work.

I really do want to get better, but it’s like I can’t encourage myself enough, for every good reason I find to stop, I find ten more reasons why that one isn’t good enough.

I wish I was strong enough to destroy my razorblades, break them, but I can’t, I’m not sure why, but I’m guessing that it’s because I need to have that option if nothing else works, I don’t know.

A part of me hates what I do to myself, just wants to throw them out, not because I’m ashamed, because I’m not, but because I wish I could handle my feelings in a different way than to cut myself every time I feel lousy.

The other part of me embraces the opportunity it gives, the feeling of relief, a sort of temporary escape, and makes me think that that’s all that matters.

I desperately want to get out of it, break out of that evil circle I’ve made all by myself, but I can’t find a good enough reason to stop, even though I  know that what I’m doing isn’t right.

I hate the fact that when I make decisions I always see both sides of it, sure it can be good in most cases, but not in this.

Like I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from starting in the first place, summer of 09, I really wish I could’ve stopped myself from picking up that knife and testing it, but I did it, and god knows how I regret it.

But then my mind turns everything around, looking at the bigger picture, I was deeply depressed, on the limit to bipolar, and was in such big emotional pain as cause of the sadness, so by finding a way to relief some of the pain was good for me.

I was suicidal for a few months or so, and if I hadn’t had my harming to keep me stabile, then who knows what I could’ve done, my guess is that I’d probably wouldn’t have been here writing this right now.

You see my point, how frustrating it is?

This happens every time I try to make a decision about something, or to tell myself something. It’s like a god damn politician inside my head, claiming to be right, and showing me all the good things about what I think is bad, and the other way around, it just won’t make sense.

I’ve been told I’m good at talking people into doing things, so I guess that’s what I’m doing to myself, giving non- questionable reasons to why it’s right.  I keep talking myself into things, and I just can’t stop, it comes natural to me, but I hate it.

I guess I can’t get away from the “word game” inside my head, but there must be a way of sorting it out, a way to come to an agreement or compromise in some way, right?

I know that by the way I say things, it sounds like there’s another person inside of me, but to be honest, and that’s what it feels like most of the time,  a plus side (the good and sensible part), and a minus side (the bad part, always negative towards improvement from me).

Fireflight – So help me God.

Right now the message I get is “erase it all, you’re not making any sense”, and I feel the urge to do so, erase it all, but I’ve realized that I’ve giving the minus side too much space, been giving in too easily, and that’s something I have to work with, the question is just, how?

Give me the opportunity to choose the wrong path, but still let me be able to choose the right one as well.

This is just a spontaneous decision, but I’m taking baby steps towards my goal, being harm free.

It will be difficult, I’ll probably slip a few times, but it will be worth it.

Last time I harmed was Saturday (12th of February)

I’m already now struggling with the decision, but this time I won’t give in, I can’t. I’m already being told I can’t do it, I won’t make it, and tomorrow you’ll be back where you started.  This time I’m going to prove myself wrong, I will make it, whatever it takes.

1 day.

Bekka – InsideOut

xx

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