Edit: Written 4 pm.
Warning, this text contains a picture that could trig people who self harm.
My mind has been going nuts non-stop since yesterday evening, and I’m not sure what’s going on to be honest.
Usually I can tell right away what’s the right thing to do, what’s the positive part, and what’s not, but now I can’t tell which is which.
The urge is there constant, trying to trick me into doing what I know deep down is wrong, I know I shouldn’t, but in a twisted way, my mind make the harming seem like a good thing, like I need it.
I’ve been feeling rather empty since last night, and my mind’s solution to that is to cut myself, so then I’ll feel something. And just like I know I should tell my mum, or at least someone, but I just can’t, I can’t find one single good reason to why I should, I just can’t.
It’s like I want to end up at the hospital, with stitches and who knows what, and my way of reasonable it was that then I had to tell my mum, she would find out anyway.
I really don’t know what to do, I’m tired of fighting it, I just want to give up, give in to the urge. I know I shouldn’t, but I’m not sure how much longer I can resist.
I know for a fact that I won’t tell my mum, not unless it’s really urgent, life threatening.
It’s like I’m completely against telling anyone, even though I know I need to tell someone, but I just can’t get myself to do it, I can’t find a reason good enough to do it, I don’t see the point.
I’m scared, worried, I know what could happen, but at the same time it seems like it’s not serious enough, like; what’s the worst thing that could happen? And even the worst thing, doesn’t seem serious enough.
Do I want to put myself in danger, to risk my own life? I’m completely clueless of what’s happening.
Yesterday I was attending to a group which I often do on Thursdays, and a girl I got to know had her sleeves rolled up, and I saw her scars, and for some reason it trigged the urge to harm myself, like mine weren’t serious enough, they weren’t good enough.
I have no idea what’s going on, but it seems like I’ve already given in to the urge.
So wrong it’s right, eh?
Bekka – InsideOut
Edit 2: Well I managed 12 days, now the question is, will I be able to resist next time, or will it be worse?