Written; 03.03.2011 at 22 PM.
Everything has been going downhill since last Friday, sort of building up inside of me.
My parents found out, they even saw the picture, and having them talk to me about it was difficult, scary, you name it.
I wanted to tell them, but I didn’t know how, and I know that I wanted them to know, but at that moment when they found out I wished I could just vanish, run away, avoid it the best I could, but if there’s one thing I’m completely certain of, it’s that you can’t run from your problems, because it won’t solve them in any way.
The rest of the weekend went okay, I didn’t really know what to feel or anything, and to be completely honest I’m not sure when I started feeling really down, I don’t remember, yeah feeling down messes with my memory, like its painful, so I sort of block it out without even knowing it.
Either Tuesday or Wednesday it started, from when I wake up, and it sort of builds up, I wake up exhausted, tired, just wanting to sleep, I get more and more down during the day while I’m at college, wanting more and more just to go home, but I know I can’t, I shouldn’t.
The urge to harm myself is strong when I’m feeling down; I even tried to pinch myself to feel something else, but it just made it stronger, like it wasn’t enough.
I’m fighting back, holding on the best I can, but it’s getting harder and harder, I’m recognizing the signs; Easily irritated, losing lack of interest, loss of energy and tired most of the time, and the fact that I can’t even fake that I’m happy or anything, I’m sick of pretending, nor do I really have to energy to do it either.
My mood swings a lot, it’s at its worst at college, I lose all concentration, so I don’t get any work done at all, I just sit there sort of trying to find a song that will take my mind off things, make me feel better, anything really, just to get rid of the sadness.
For some reason the sadness lets go a little when I get home, I’m not sure why, maybe cause I’m alone? I don’t know.
From what I can tell from the signs it looks like I’m falling back into the depression, and that’s the worst thing that could happen, I have to find a way to stop it before it’s too late.
I honestly have no idea if I’m just overreacting or what it is, but I’m worried.
I haven’t harmed since last Friday, because I know it won’t give me the feeling of relief that I so desperately need. Not that I’m complaining, it’s 7 days resisting.
Most of you know that last August I attempted suicide, just out of the blue, thought this is it, I can’t do it anymore, as simple as that. It’s just the feeling of completely giving up, letting everything go, being completely selfish. It made me feel lighter, like I wasn’t going to feel that pain anymore; I felt, relief, peaceful.
I had that feeling today, just for a second, but long enough for me to recognize it, wanting it back. I gave up for a second, but I came to my senses.
I want to be happy, I want to feel relief, I want to feel alive.
Another thing that bothers me is that while I was at college today I did some research for the teachers to think I was working, and found a link with info on depression, so I clicked it, and I found several antidepressants brands, and several of those had warnings saying that if you took too many you could die, they were poisonous in large amounts.
But what I reacted on was that why would anyone give a depressed, or even a suicidal person pills like that when there’s a risk they could overdose on them, wouldn’t you rather take the pills that weren’t dangerous in large amounts?
I don’t know if you see my point, but oh well.
I have a strange habit that when one part of me don’t agree with the other one, it starts emptying my head, making everything messed up, not making sense anymore, and I can’t say I like it.
I emailed my therapist a few hours ago about how I need to talk to her about it, which I have to, even though I’m still wondering if I’m just overreacting. But then again, who knows?
I feel sort of torn, one part of me wishes that the sadness and all those feelings would just vanish by the time I wake up tomorrow, but the other part of me is sort of praying that they will come back again tomorrow, just as strong, because I really need to talk about it, and for that to happen, they need to be there.
If this continues I will have to talk to someone, I might even get my therapist to inform my mum if necessary.
I’m afraid I might be going suicidal again, but it’s too soon to tell, it has only gone one day, but it’s better to talk about it now, than wait and it would probably be worse, right?
I’m just hoping she has the time to talk with me after the meeting with my mum tomorrow.
Bekka – InsideOut