Should I?


I haven’t really been in the mood to write lately, and it seems like I’m writing less and less, like I don’t want to, I don’t know.

Things haven’t really been going smooth lately, I’ve been feeling down a lot and I keep getting urges. But hey, they’ve been manageable, so far so good aye?

Every time my mum asks me wither I’ve harmed myself lately or not, I get angry, even if I have done it or not, I feel like I have to defend myself at the same time that I really don’t want her to ask or care, because it’s not helping, at all.

I’m becoming more and more resistant to help, and I think it might be because mum doesn’t understand, won’t accept what I’ve been trying to tell her. But I’ve given up, I’ve had enough, I can manage on my own, without her help.

At the same time as I’m angry, I’m feeling guilty, guilty because I see how hard I make it for them. They don’t know how to help, and they worry too much, and the more I resist to them, the more I hurt them.

I feel torn, like I don’t want their help, because I can make it on my own, but at the same time I’m hurting them, making them more desperate, confused(?)

I honestly can’t say what it makes them feel, but I know its not a good thing.

I’ve been wondering wither to start on anti depressives, maybe it will make it easier for them if I’m all smiley and happy rather than how I am now?

I’ve heard that people on them get “zombied” out, like they just go round smiling all the time, even if someone yells at them.  I don’t know, but if it will make it easier on them, I’m willing to try.

Sure it won’t solve any problems, but I don’t know. Maybe it’ll make the guilt feeling fade?

confused much? Mhm

Guilt is the price we pay willingly for doing what we are going to do anyway” – Isabelle Holland

Bekka – InsideOut

xx

Blaaah?


And the time has yet come to write again, it’s been far too long since the last time to be honest.

It’s been two crazy days (Friday, Saturday), it seems like my mum’s trying to make me as uncomfortable as possible.

She knows I slipped (Thursday) and is craving to see my arms, but I won’t let her, and I think it’s pretty frustrating for her, because I don’t say no often, but I figured that now was the time to set my foot down.

Yesterday I had had enough; I escaped out of the house, telling no one where I was going, the only answer they got was “Out”.

I put my phone on silent, so I wouldn’t hear if they called or texted me, which they did, a lot, but to be completely honest, I didn’t care, I didn’t give a rats arse about if I worried them or not, they deserved to be worried after what they put me through.

I was so angry, frustrated, I didn’t know what to say or do. I know they’re trying to help me, but it’s not helping, for me it feels like I’m being pushed to the edge of a breakdown, like they’re trying to break me sort of, I don’t know. But what I do know is that it’s not helping, whatever they think they’re doing, it’s not.

The anger I felt made me push almost everyone even further away, they didn’t understand because they didn’t want to, all they did was drawing their own conclusions.

Why does everyone have to say one thing, then mess everything up when they’re doing the complete opposite?

My mum made me really want to hurt myself, sort of to punish her, only that I would be the only one knowing, and the anger almost made me do it, but I got out and escaped for about five hours or so, nobody knowing where I was at, and it felt great. Nobody I had to worry about, because I honestly didn’t care, at all.

To be careless for a while is great, but then again, it’s not who I am, it’s not who I want to be, but at that exact moment, it felt relieving.

They don’t want me in my room, they think I’m isolating myself from the world, but I’m not, sure I might be hiding a little, but I feel safe in here, this  is my space. I want to be alone, to escape my family and their questions, because I can’t handle them.

I just hope they’ve given up their crazy ideas that they think are helping, because I don’t know if I can handle it, it makes me more resistant to people helping me, makes me push them even further away from me, close up inside.

And if this goes on with the same intensity as is has these last two days, then who knows what the outcome might be.

12

20

2

Bekka – InsideOut

xx

Once you get lost.


Tired of screaming, yet I’m dreaming, tired of bleeding, yet here I am, smiling.

.

I want to run, and never look back

I want to scream until my lungs ache and my voice break

I want to be good enough

I want to resist

I want to make reality of everything on this list

.

In a moment of hope, that’s what she told me, that’s what she believed in

In a moment of doubt, she fell even deeper, because that was all she could do

.

When she’s tired of smiling, she turns to bleeding, when she cannot dream, she stands there screaming.

.

Nobody heard her, nobody saw, nobody knew what she was going through.

When she’s screaming, it’s silence you find, look into her eyes, she’s lost in her mind

.

Once you get lost, it’s hard to get found

(Source: http://www.liseliten.com)

xx

What if?


These last days, or this weekend, I’ve been doing rather well, my mood has been sort of steady I think, but what I don’t get is why the signs(Depression coming back) won’t let go and fade away.

Signs like; Annoyed by everything, loss of energy, feeling exhausted, a little sleeping trouble(waking up several times Etc.), also head ache, which I usually get before or after I’ve been feeling down, but now I just have it pretty much all the time, and it doesn’t seem to want to let go.

From what you can read I probably sound pretty confused, well guess what, I am!

First of all, I show no signs of being suicidal (Thank god!), and I’m not confused about that at all, I’m just glad.

But what I’m confused about is the way everything’s going, I just don’t understand it. It’s frustrating really, I don’t know how to handle it. And I’m confused about wither I’m just overreacting about the signs(Hope so), or is it different this time? Am I just kidding myself?

Am I just blocking the feelings out? Am I just pretending so much I don’t even notice any more? I’m clueless.

Another thing is that since my mum found out how it really was, at least sort of, and the fact that I thought I was suicidal, she and those at home have been paying a lot more attention to me, but also worrying more than they should. I mean, I’ve told them that I’m fine, I’m not suicidal, I’m not going to kill myself, but it’s like they don’t hear a word of what I’m saying, or they don’t believe me.

Or maybe I really am just fooling myself, maybe I’m so deep in it that I don’t realize it?

Okay I must admit, it sounds pretty crazy, and I honestly don’t believe that explanation for a second, but I need to find out what’s going on with me, because I feel different, very different, but I don’t know why, and I even notice that I write different. Or maybe that’s just me, I’ll let you be the judge of that.

I’m not scared of changes, but when it comes to something changing about me, like how I am and such, it can’t be a good thing, unless it’s for the better.

Have I just given up? Is that why I feel so different, so calm? I honestly don’t know, and if I have, I don’t see why.

I wish I could make this make sense in some way, to me at least, because right now everything’s a mess inside my head, and I don’t think it will sort itself out without help.

I’M SO CONFUSED!!

*Take a deep breath*

Even If my body is ready to give in, I’m not, and I never will be.

Bekka – InsideOut

xx

Downhill – 03.03.11


Written; 03.03.2011 at 22 PM.

Everything has been going downhill since last Friday, sort of building up inside of me.

My parents found out, they even saw the picture, and having them talk to me about it was difficult, scary, you name it.

I wanted to tell them, but I didn’t know how, and I know that I wanted them to know, but at that moment when they found out I wished I could just vanish, run away, avoid it the best I could, but if there’s one thing I’m completely certain of, it’s that you can’t run from your problems, because it won’t solve them in any way.

The rest of the weekend went okay, I didn’t really know what to feel or anything, and to be completely honest I’m not sure when I started feeling really down, I don’t remember, yeah feeling down messes with my memory, like its painful, so I sort of block it out without even knowing it.

Either Tuesday or Wednesday it started, from when I wake up, and it sort of builds up, I wake up exhausted, tired, just wanting to sleep, I get more and more down during the day while I’m at college, wanting more and more just to go home, but I know I can’t, I shouldn’t.

The urge to harm myself is strong when I’m feeling down; I even tried to pinch myself to feel something else, but it just made it stronger, like it wasn’t enough.

I’m fighting back, holding on the best I can, but it’s getting harder and harder, I’m recognizing the signs; Easily irritated, losing lack of interest, loss of energy and tired most of the time, and the fact that I can’t even fake that I’m happy or anything, I’m sick of pretending, nor do I really have to energy to do it either.

My mood swings a lot, it’s at its worst at college, I lose all concentration, so I don’t get any work done at all, I just sit there sort of trying to find a song that will take my mind off things, make me feel better, anything really, just to get rid of the sadness.

For some reason the sadness lets go a little when I get home, I’m not sure why, maybe cause I’m alone? I don’t know.

From what I can tell from the signs it looks like I’m falling back into the depression, and that’s the worst thing that could happen, I have to find a way to stop it before it’s too late.

I honestly have no idea if I’m just overreacting or what it is, but I’m worried.

I haven’t harmed since last Friday, because I know it won’t give me the feeling of relief that I so desperately need. Not that I’m complaining, it’s 7 days resisting.

Most of you know that last August I attempted suicide, just out of the blue, thought this is it, I can’t do it anymore, as simple as that. It’s just the feeling of completely giving up, letting everything go, being completely selfish. It made me feel lighter, like I wasn’t going to feel that pain anymore; I felt, relief, peaceful.

I had that feeling today, just for a second, but long enough for me to recognize it, wanting it back. I gave up for a second, but I came to my senses.

I want to be happy, I want to feel relief, I want to feel alive.

Another thing that bothers me is that while I was at college today I did some research for the teachers to think I was working, and found a link with info on depression, so I clicked it, and I found several antidepressants brands, and several of those had warnings saying that if you took too many you could die, they were poisonous in large amounts.

But what I reacted on was that why would anyone give a depressed, or even a suicidal person pills like that when there’s a risk they could overdose on them, wouldn’t you rather take the pills that weren’t dangerous in large amounts?

I don’t know if you see my point, but oh well.

I have a strange habit that when one part of me don’t agree with the other one, it starts emptying my head, making everything messed up, not making sense anymore, and I can’t say I like it.

I emailed my therapist a few hours ago about how I need to talk to her about it, which I have to, even though I’m still wondering if I’m just overreacting. But then again, who knows?

I feel sort of torn, one part of me wishes that the sadness and all those feelings would just vanish by the time I wake up tomorrow, but the other part of me is sort of praying that they will come back again tomorrow, just as strong, because I really need to talk about it, and for that to happen, they need to be there.

If this continues I will have to talk to someone, I might even get my therapist to inform my mum if necessary.

I’m afraid I might be going suicidal again, but it’s too soon to tell, it has only gone one day, but it’s better to talk about it now, than wait and it would probably be worse, right?

I’m just hoping she has the time to talk with me after the meeting with my mum tomorrow.

Fingers crossed.

Bekka – InsideOut

xx