What if?

These last days, or this weekend, I’ve been doing rather well, my mood has been sort of steady I think, but what I don’t get is why the signs(Depression coming back) won’t let go and fade away.

Signs like; Annoyed by everything, loss of energy, feeling exhausted, a little sleeping trouble(waking up several times Etc.), also head ache, which I usually get before or after I’ve been feeling down, but now I just have it pretty much all the time, and it doesn’t seem to want to let go.

From what you can read I probably sound pretty confused, well guess what, I am!

First of all, I show no signs of being suicidal (Thank god!), and I’m not confused about that at all, I’m just glad.

But what I’m confused about is the way everything’s going, I just don’t understand it. It’s frustrating really, I don’t know how to handle it. And I’m confused about wither I’m just overreacting about the signs(Hope so), or is it different this time? Am I just kidding myself?

Am I just blocking the feelings out? Am I just pretending so much I don’t even notice any more? I’m clueless.

Another thing is that since my mum found out how it really was, at least sort of, and the fact that I thought I was suicidal, she and those at home have been paying a lot more attention to me, but also worrying more than they should. I mean, I’ve told them that I’m fine, I’m not suicidal, I’m not going to kill myself, but it’s like they don’t hear a word of what I’m saying, or they don’t believe me.

Or maybe I really am just fooling myself, maybe I’m so deep in it that I don’t realize it?

Okay I must admit, it sounds pretty crazy, and I honestly don’t believe that explanation for a second, but I need to find out what’s going on with me, because I feel different, very different, but I don’t know why, and I even notice that I write different. Or maybe that’s just me, I’ll let you be the judge of that.

I’m not scared of changes, but when it comes to something changing about me, like how I am and such, it can’t be a good thing, unless it’s for the better.

Have I just given up? Is that why I feel so different, so calm? I honestly don’t know, and if I have, I don’t see why.

I wish I could make this make sense in some way, to me at least, because right now everything’s a mess inside my head, and I don’t think it will sort itself out without help.


*Take a deep breath*

Even If my body is ready to give in, I’m not, and I never will be.

Bekka – InsideOut



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