I haven’t really been in the mood to write lately, and it seems like I’m writing less and less, like I don’t want to, I don’t know.
Things haven’t really been going smooth lately, I’ve been feeling down a lot and I keep getting urges. But hey, they’ve been manageable, so far so good aye?
Every time my mum asks me wither I’ve harmed myself lately or not, I get angry, even if I have done it or not, I feel like I have to defend myself at the same time that I really don’t want her to ask or care, because it’s not helping, at all.
I’m becoming more and more resistant to help, and I think it might be because mum doesn’t understand, won’t accept what I’ve been trying to tell her. But I’ve given up, I’ve had enough, I can manage on my own, without her help.
At the same time as I’m angry, I’m feeling guilty, guilty because I see how hard I make it for them. They don’t know how to help, and they worry too much, and the more I resist to them, the more I hurt them.
I feel torn, like I don’t want their help, because I can make it on my own, but at the same time I’m hurting them, making them more desperate, confused(?)
I honestly can’t say what it makes them feel, but I know its not a good thing.
I’ve been wondering wither to start on anti depressives, maybe it will make it easier for them if I’m all smiley and happy rather than how I am now?
I’ve heard that people on them get “zombied” out, like they just go round smiling all the time, even if someone yells at them. I don’t know, but if it will make it easier on them, I’m willing to try.
Sure it won’t solve any problems, but I don’t know. Maybe it’ll make the guilt feeling fade?
confused much? Mhm
“Guilt is the price we pay willingly for doing what we are going to do anyway” – Isabelle Holland
Bekka – InsideOut