Living To Die?


[Lets just say I ‘opened’ my head, and these were the thoughts and random things I got from there.]

Have you ever wondered why am I here, what am I here for?

I wonder about that a lot, like was there a reason, or maybe a purpose for me turning out to be the person I am today, now? Is there a reason I’m going through all this, is it for a greater challenge or something better?

A stranger once told me that everything you do makes an impact on the people around you, no matter what you do or say, you sort of change them, for better or worse.

This stranger made me see things in another light when all I saw was darkness, I was ready to finish it all, made me realize, see that if I chose to leave then, I would cheat people from the experiences they would get from me. (Not sure if it makes sense to anyone but me)

I’m not trying to sound like I’m all better than anyone else, but that was literally, word for word what he said to me, and at that point, that was what reached through to me and made me think.

The final ending always seems like the easy way out, it still does, but just because it’s easy, it doesn’t make it right, fair.

I have people keeping me here, reasons to go on when everything’s working against me, not because I’m suicidal or anything, but I like to keep on to those reasons.

Like the main reason is my youngest brother, he’s just turned seven and from the day he was born he’s always been the person I’ve been emotionally closest to in my whole family, in my whole life. And I would love to say that that’s the reason keeping me here, but it’s not, the reason is that he’s depending on me being there, he hates it when I’m away for too  long, and I hate seeing him sad.

There are a few more reasons, but the second most important reason is, I’m just not ready to leave yet. No matter how much easier it would be to just surrender completely to the voice telling me that I’m a worthless piece of shit that needs to be punished, that people would be better off without me, I just can’t do it, it’s not right towards me, the people who care about me or to anyone else.

The truth behind the mask.

If I would ask people to describe me with one word, it would probably be something like; outgoing, random, perv, funny, confident and maybe even talkative, but all that talking and confidence is really just an act, I cover up all my insecurity, my lack of self confidence with laughter and loads of talking.

If you saw me out with my friends, all laughing and talking, you would see one person, but be a fly on the wall when I’m at home, you’d see a completely different person.  Sure I sometimes am very talkative, pervy and laughing a lot at home too, but yeah.

I don’t know why I wrote all this, but it felt good just letting it out. My thoughts about stuff, and everything. Sure most of it might sound different to you, for all I know I might sound suicidal or god knows what, but I’m just I don’t know, interested in death? There’s just something about it that captures me, tickles my mind even.

But like I said, it might sound different to you; it depends on your ability to read between the lines, and what you find there.

Are we all just living to die, or is there something more to it?”

Bekka- InsideOut

xx

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