POSSIBLY TRIGGERING PICTURE.
What bothers me, at the same time as it doesn’t, is the fact that my scars aren’t good enough, not deep, or visible enough, and to be completely honest, i keep wondering; will they ever?
For years people haven’t known what to do, and neither have i to be honest, so i can’t blame them for just ignoring me or my problems, just going on like normal, like nothing ever happened, that i never even said a word, even though I did, so many times, but i can’t blame them.
I got told yesterday that my step dad stepped out of it all, my problems, and me, and it hurt me a lot, because it feels like everyone’s giving up on me.
I’m keeping my head over the water, and I’m not harming, what more do they want?
Can’t they realize that I cannot do it all by myself, that i actually need support instead of being abandoned by those who can’t handle it?
I’ve also discovered that I’ve started punishing myself in a different way, even though it’s just as confusing to be honest. I talked it over with Monica on wednesday, and she’s saying that I’m finding a different way to cause trouble, by not letting myself eat, convincing myself that it hurts inside when i do, and that it makes me feel ill.
I really can’t make myself eat either, cause I just won’t let myself sort of. I don’t really know what to do, cause it seems like there’s barely anyone who takes me serious, and yes I’m worried.
My sister’s husband talked to me about what my step dad said when i started crying in the car, and he told me to ask my parents for help, BUT I ALREADY HAVE ._. So many times, but fair enough, they don’t know what to do, so they just do nothing. All they do is to freak out, and do nothing..
And I STILL don’t understand why what I did was so wrong, so bad, bad enough for me to get punished?
Sure it made me give up my blades, but only cause i had to, and now, i know it was the right thing to do, because my boyfriend made me realize how it effected him, and how it made him feel, and to me it was a turning point, when he said “I’m not angry, but to be honest, I’m disappointed.” It hit me hard, but it had to happen.
Its just so confusing, one part of me things its good that i gave up the blades, and the other part, my “monster” is angry and frustrated about it, and I can’t help but listen to the “monster” instead of the other part, and just wonder, what’s so wrong about it?
I know I’m being selfish, only thinking about myself, when I harmed, but since I stopped, I’m not that selfish anymore, am I?
I’m just confused, but hopefully I can sort things out, and find the reasons and answers to the why and whats.
Bekka – InsideOut