Why can’t I see it?


WARNING

POSSIBLY TRIGGERING PICTURE.

 

What bothers me, at the same time as it doesn’t, is the fact that my scars aren’t good enough, not deep, or visible enough, and to be completely honest, i keep wondering; will they ever?

For years people haven’t known what to do, and neither have i to be honest, so i can’t blame them for just ignoring me or my problems, just going on like normal, like nothing ever happened, that i never even said a word, even though I did, so many times, but i can’t blame them.

I got told yesterday that my step dad stepped out of it all, my problems, and me, and it hurt me a lot, because it feels like everyone’s giving up on me.

I’m keeping my head over the water, and I’m not harming, what more do they want?

                   (This picture is taken a while ago, I don’t exactly remember when.)

Can’t they realize that I cannot do it all by myself, that i actually need support instead of being abandoned by those who can’t handle it?

I’ve also discovered that I’ve started punishing myself in a different way, even though it’s just as confusing to be honest. I talked it over with Monica on wednesday, and she’s saying that I’m finding a different way to cause trouble, by not letting myself eat, convincing myself that it hurts inside when i do, and that it makes me feel ill.

I really can’t make myself eat either, cause I just won’t let myself sort of. I don’t really know what to do, cause it seems like there’s barely anyone who takes me serious, and yes I’m worried.

My sister’s husband talked to me about what my step dad said when i started crying in the car, and he told me to ask my parents for help, BUT I ALREADY HAVE ._.  So many times, but fair enough, they don’t know what to do, so they just do nothing.  All they do is to freak out, and do nothing..

And I STILL don’t understand why what I did was so wrong, so bad, bad enough for me to get punished?

Sure it made me give up my blades, but only cause i had to, and now, i know it was the right thing to do, because my boyfriend made me realize how it effected him, and how it made him feel, and to me it was a turning point, when he said “I’m not angry, but to be honest, I’m disappointed.”  It hit me hard, but it had to happen.

Its just so confusing, one part of me things its good that i gave up the blades, and the other part, my “monster”  is angry and frustrated about it, and I can’t help but listen to the “monster” instead of the other part, and just wonder, what’s so wrong about it?

I know I’m being selfish, only thinking about myself, when I harmed,  but since I stopped, I’m not that selfish anymore, am I?

I’m just confused, but hopefully I can sort things out, and find the reasons and answers to the why and whats.

Bekka – InsideOut

xx

 

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“I can’t really see the seriousness. My own frustration hits so hard that I want to turn to destructive sulotions  to count the seriousness in blood drops. Like the reality would’ve been more serious then?”  – From another blog.

My thoughts about it.

I bury myself in the sadness, let it hit me hard, as hard as i can manage them to hit me. I’m clinging to the pain, sadness, the truth that i only stop myself from getting better.

I don’t allow myself to even try, because I won’t make it anyways?

I still can’t really see how deep i’m in this crap, how strong the monster has its grip on me, but i can feel its there, all the time, always a finger into everthing i do or say, sitting there with its spikes out, ready to make the pain more intense as quickly as it can.

Bekka – InsideOut

xx

A peek inside my head?


Long time no see, but I guess i’m back again, at least for this post.

WARNING, ARE YOU EASILY TRIGGERED OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT, LEAVE THIS SITE IMMEDIATLY.

THIS TEXT INCLUDES POSSIBLY TRIGGERING PICTURES.

I haven’t written in ages because i felt, or feel(?) that it only makes things worse, like ripping up old scars, and to be honest it sort of sends me on a roller coaster ride to the past. I keep reminding myself of all my mistakes, and things i could’ve done, but didn’t do.

Quick update sort of.

Erm.. last monday, i guess its almost two weeks ago, i had to go to the hospital to get some stitches, i went by myself and when I told my parents they freaked. It wasn’t even that deep, i mean, i could’ve easily just lived on without getting stitched up. I really don’t get why it would shake them up like this, I mean, come on its only stitches.

What bothers me is that its not the first time i’ve harmed myself, so why should it cause so much trouble for everyone else this time? My mum said because it made it all more real, and when i told her for the first time that i was self harming, one or two years ago she thought it was just a phase i was going through, just like my sister and some others. They all got over it, but i didn’t.

My sis did it ages ago, years ago, no one said anything, nobody got affected. I do it and it affects everyone all of a sudden? Where’s the sense in that?

A few days later my mum told me that i had to get punished for what i had done, since i had done such a bad thing. I got angry, frustrated, even scared cause i didn’t undertand it, i still don’t.  i wan’t allowed on the computer for a week, and they told me that the next time I did it it would be for a month.

( My immediate reaction to this picture is that it’s not bad enough, and it probably is, but i can’t see it..Sick I know, but my monster’s in control and there’s nothing I can do about it.)

I haven’t done anything in six days, if you look past the picking on scabs until they bleed, but that hasn’t been intentional either, i think.

I gave up my blades Monday this week, it was hard, but it had to be done. I am no way ready to stop, to give it up, but what can I do when my mum’s saying that my step dad’s threatening to move out and take my little brother with him if i don’t sort this out.

I have so much on my shoulders.

What confuses me and sort of bothers me is that it isn’t as hard as it should be, not even close. And i don’t even get why it’s not more difficult to handle, because it used to be.

I’ve been talking a lot more with my mum though, trying to open up more to her, let her in, and i discovered that my “monster”(yes we named it) is the one convincing me that my mum will make things worse, she always does, she can’t be trusted, she doesn’t care, etc , etc.  But maybe it’s not like that at all? Maybe she never was, or did she change? I don’t know.

These last few weeks I’ve had a lot of trouble falling to sleep, and staying there, I’m constantly tired, I have no energy to do anything and the pain never leaves. I don’t know what to do.

I know that my “monster” is my self destructive part, it literally wants me dead, and that’s a fact.

I’m trapped in it sort of, it refuses to let people help if they get too demanding, if they demand i do something about it, it just shuts them out. My mum even told me that when she’s been trying to give me some advice about what i should do instead of cutting, its like i see right through her, i don’t see her, she could as well just be talking to a wall.

As soon as my mum or someone else opens their mouth to try to help, my “monster” immediately starts to protest, telling me they’re wrong, it won’t work, you can’t do it, etc. And the worst part is that I actually believe in it, because what else can I do, I mean, the “monster” is a part of me, therefore it is me, isn’t it?

Resisting self injury isn’t difficult, but it’s only the start. I don’t have any tools or razors left to do it anyways, but i’m expecting the urge to ambush me sometime along the way.

One more thing before I wrap it up is that the day I gave up my razors, my “monster” described my scars as a “masterpiece”, and yeah you could say I was shocked, but at the same time i thought/think the description were right, it suited them.

My scars will never be good enough, i know that, not even if it somehow caused my death it would’ve been good enough, I see that, but when I’m in the middle of it, I don’t see, hear or think anything but what my “monster”wants me to see.

I might’ve been forced to give up my self harming, but I will never give up my scars. Don’t ask me why, but I’m strongly resistant when it comes to that.

Bekka – InsideOut

xx