Why can’t I see it?




What bothers me, at the same time as it doesn’t, is the fact that my scars aren’t good enough, not deep, or visible enough, and to be completely honest, i keep wondering; will they ever?

For years people haven’t known what to do, and neither have i to be honest, so i can’t blame them for just ignoring me or my problems, just going on like normal, like nothing ever happened, that i never even said a word, even though I did, so many times, but i can’t blame them.

I got told yesterday that my step dad stepped out of it all, my problems, and me, and it hurt me a lot, because it feels like everyone’s giving up on me.

I’m keeping my head over the water, and I’m not harming, what more do they want?

                   (This picture is taken a while ago, I don’t exactly remember when.)

Can’t they realize that I cannot do it all by myself, that i actually need support instead of being abandoned by those who can’t handle it?

I’ve also discovered that I’ve started punishing myself in a different way, even though it’s just as confusing to be honest. I talked it over with Monica on wednesday, and she’s saying that I’m finding a different way to cause trouble, by not letting myself eat, convincing myself that it hurts inside when i do, and that it makes me feel ill.

I really can’t make myself eat either, cause I just won’t let myself sort of. I don’t really know what to do, cause it seems like there’s barely anyone who takes me serious, and yes I’m worried.

My sister’s husband talked to me about what my step dad said when i started crying in the car, and he told me to ask my parents for help, BUT I ALREADY HAVE ._.  So many times, but fair enough, they don’t know what to do, so they just do nothing.  All they do is to freak out, and do nothing..

And I STILL don’t understand why what I did was so wrong, so bad, bad enough for me to get punished?

Sure it made me give up my blades, but only cause i had to, and now, i know it was the right thing to do, because my boyfriend made me realize how it effected him, and how it made him feel, and to me it was a turning point, when he said “I’m not angry, but to be honest, I’m disappointed.”  It hit me hard, but it had to happen.

Its just so confusing, one part of me things its good that i gave up the blades, and the other part, my “monster”  is angry and frustrated about it, and I can’t help but listen to the “monster” instead of the other part, and just wonder, what’s so wrong about it?

I know I’m being selfish, only thinking about myself, when I harmed,  but since I stopped, I’m not that selfish anymore, am I?

I’m just confused, but hopefully I can sort things out, and find the reasons and answers to the why and whats.

Bekka – InsideOut




4 thoughts on “Why can’t I see it?

  1. Det e faen ikkje lett du går igjennom ❤ Syns d e trist at folk snur seg når du trenge dei mest men eg vil vær her for deg uansett kå! Så om du vil snakka elle bare sleppa ud litt frustrasjon så veid du eg e her for deg! Syns så synd på deg siden familien reagere på den måden, men dei veid kanskje ikkje heilt koss dei ska reagera. Far va driid vanskelig me meg i begynnelsen men så jekk han t sånn familieterapaut og itte d he d blitt lettare fø begge to.
    Og tru meg, kuttan dine e way beyond dype! Dei e veldig veldig dype, det e bare me som ikkje greie se det pga det monstaret som ska plaga okke. Husk bare på kor herlig livet e sjøl kor hardt det kan verka. Eg ser så mye i deg. Du e smart, kjempe fin, herlig og bare rett og slett god rett gjennom! Du ska bare veda d at eg komme t å stå me sio av deg UANSETT kå som skjer.
    Me ska komma igjennom dei vonde tiden og når me greie det så e det bare en vei det kan gå, nemlig opp!<3
    Gla i deg Bekk ❤

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