Yup, it’s strange like that.


Again, my mind won’t allow me to write about what I want, but yet again, I have to fight it to get to the words I need.

Today’s been crap I think, not sure to be completely honest, I don’t remember all of it.

Ever felt like there was only one person keeping you here, sort of your lifeline? Well I do, I always do, because my boyfriend is my lifeline, and not talk to him for a whole day, feels like a week. I miss him terribly, and I need him. He keeps my head above the water and talks about things with me, difficult or random.

I know he won’t be on for a while, at least a couple of days, but a part of me just can’t stop wishing for him to come online and make me smile, I so desperately need it.

Without him it’s like I’m empty, all neutral, nothing matters, I just want to sleep, no reason to be awake, and no reason to smile.

I might sound soppy, but you have no idea what it’s like for me, because, he’s the reason I’m still here, my reason to go on. And if I didn’t have him, then where would I be? Six feet under.

My mum and others say that I seem to have gotten “better”, whatever that means, but to be completely honest, I haven’t. They also say that since I haven’t cut in 62, almost 63 days, that either my inner monster is getting weaker, or I’m getting stronger, but they just don’t get it, I’m not stronger, the monster is. Yeah sure I’ve stopped cutting, but the urges are still there. And stopping cutting resulted into eating problems, so how can things have gotten better, have I missed something?

asdfghjkl idunno.

I’m going to bed, hoping not to wake up tomorrow.

Bekka

InsideOut

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No words?


I’m laying here in my bed, it’s 10.30 pm, and I’m thinking about today, what’s happened, my moods and such, but it’s like I don’t have the words to describe my day, or I won’t let myself.  Either or, at least I’m trying.

I have this heavy feeling in my chest, and I know it’s because of an “locked door”. I’m sort of locking myself out without even meaning to.

The feeling consists of the words I’ve left unsaid, because I didn’t want to say them, the feelings I’ve had, because I didn’t want anyone to know.  I know it’s wrong, to shut everything up inside me like this, so thats why I’m writing just this moment, to try to let it all out, even if I have to fight my own mind in the process.

What I’m about to say, might not be such a big deal to you out there, it might even be silly, or stupid, but that’s because you weren’t me, you aren’t me, in those fucked up moments.

How am I supposed to deal with the fact that I’m being bullied by my own mind? Calling me stupid and ugly, and a worthless piece of shit. The only way I knew to deal with it was to harm myself, I had strong urges, trying to convince me to find the razors, to cut some deep beautiful scars, saying “It’s okay, no one will know. Just alittle, come on.” Kept reminding me of the fact that I hurt so bad inside, wanted to do some damage to myself and watch myself bleed. But I didn’t, and I don’t know why.

I still want to, right at this second, but for some reason I can’t. I wish I knew why.

The only way I know how to cope with this is to sleep, its what I always do, and what I’ll do after I finish this.

I wish I had sleeping pills, then I’d take them and every time I woke up, I’d take another one. I just want to sleep, I can’t bare being awake when it hurts so much. If I could, I would’ve slept for days.

Well well,

Night night everyone

Bekka

InsideOut

ASDFGHJKL


Ugh.. I don’t even know why I’m feeling this low. Started the day with urges to self harm, and I hate it. Why can’t they just go away?

I don’t need them, nor do I want them. Why? Because I can’t do anything about them, I can’t cut or make myself bleed or bruise or break any bones, I just can’t. Not even if my mind craves it. It’s out of the question

While I’m sitting here writing about this, my mind’s trying to convince me that I do want to harm myself, that I need it, and It’s really annoying, because I can’t.

Another thing that’s bothering me is the fact that people are telling me that I might be Bi polar aka manic depressive.  But i don’t really know.  From what I’ve heard its when you have these MASSIVE mood swings, all the time or once in a while? I don’t know.

I’ve had depression (that I know of) for four years, and to me it hasn’t really changed, I think at least.  But who am I to say? I’ve been feeling like this for years, so how can I notice if there’s a change in my always neutral or sad mood?

But I don’t know, because when I started on my medication, I was told that my therapist was certain that I wasn’t Bi polar, and the meds I’m taking (Fluxotine 40mg)  would put a person with the bi polar disorder into the manic phases, so I don’t know what to believe.

I know that I have depression, that much is certain, but for some reason my mind keeps wondering if there might be something more to it?

But how can I know, they tell me I’m depressed, and I know I am, but how could I see the difference between a major depression and manic depression, if I’ve had one of them all along.  Who knows.

Gah I’m confused.

Me: Please give me a break!!!

My mind:  No  asdfghjkl!

 

Bekka

InsideOut

Good versus bad.


Right now I’m writing just to write, no particular reason to be honest, I kind of just feel like writing. But for all I know it could be a way for me to mak myself feel bad again, since I’ve had some alright- almost good night and part of the days, but I can never tell.

You see, I have two sides of me, one good, one bad, just like everyone else. But here’s where it gets tricky, they confuse me so much, because I almost never know which is which, like they have hidden motives. I sound suspicious, maybe paranoid, but I feel like I have to be like that with myself.

The time I stopped writing was because it hurt too much, which is fair enough, and one side of me told me so, but my first thought was that it was because it didn’t want me to deal with my problems, see my dilemma?  Yeah I over think so many things way too much, I shouldn’t, but thats just me.

To me, my two sides are like voices in my head, well my voice with different motives, but you get what I mean. Its like the bad one, wants me to not think the good one is there anymore, so when I feel its too painful to write anymore, so I stop, that would be the good side wouldn’t it? Well I thought so too, until the other one opens its mouth. See why I’m confused?

Although my therapist tells me that the good side is very present, in other ways, which I don’t see or notice. Like she says I’m caring, kind and all that stuff, and I don’t know, it kind of made me realize that it’s still there, just not how it used to be.

I know I’m way too deep into the good versus bad thoughts, but what am I really supposed to think when one wants me dead and the other one doesn’t? Sure they both want to make me feel better, to get rid of the pain and the problems, just in complete opposite ways.

Right this second I just realized something; I wouldn’t have been here if the good side wasn’t present, would I? I guess not, so it must be there, there are no other explanation.

When your depressed, and lock in your feelings, refusing to feel them, when you start over again, you need to learn to feel them again, just like a baby, start all over.

I’m jumping from subjects, and sometimes I don’t even notice it before I’ve written five paragraphs about it, and I’ve heard it from people reading my blog, that they don’t notice the change of subject before they’ve read it all, strange isn’t it?

Before I wrap this up, I’d like to share some good news (:

I’m going to England to see my boyfriend for almost a week, 5th to 11th of October, and I’m so excited!

This is my 58th day harm free.

Bekka

InsideOut

I hate this.


Well, this is my 53d day harm free, and its so bloody difficult.  All since, I don’t know, 6 months ago, maybe more, maybe less, I’ve had problems eating, I just don’t like it, nor do I want to.  I’ve lost 7ish kg since may, I think it was.  And I don’t mind that, but I guess it really shows how little I’m eating.

It started off as sort of a replacement for my harming, I had a harm free period of time, weeks, I don’t know, and it just kicked off. I just didn’t want to eat, and if someone said I had to eat, I became more and more resistant, I just wouldnt eat.  After that it’s just been getting worse, and I have no idea why.

These last months I’ve eaten alittle, once a day, maybe if I was lucky, twice.  My mind’s giving me a hard time if I eat more than twice, “It’s too much, you’ve eaten THREE TIMES, it’s TOO MUCH!!!”

So I made a promise to my boyfriend, to do my best to eat twice a day, so I’m up to either breakfast, skipping lunch and then having dinner, or just skipping breakfast and lunch and having dinner, and then maybe have something small before I go to bed. Messed up, right?

Right now I’ve eaten three times, that’s three meals, and it’s hard, the feeling of food in my stomach, I don’t know why, but just the feeling of something in there, it’s gross, I can’t stand it. Yet I have to eat, I have to, if only once a day.

And I just don’t understand why it’s so damn difficult!?

I mean, it’s eating, its what humans are supposed to do, yet, I have a hard time with it, it makes me feel ill sometimes. It’s even been quite a few times where I’ve had to close my eyes when I pass the bathroom, because my mind wants me to throw it all back up again. But I haven’t, I don’t need that kind of problem on top of everything, I just don’t.

It just doesn’t make sense.

Sure I’ve always been disliking the fact that I’ve been heavy, not fat, just heavy, and I did not like it at all, so maybe it’s that that’s the problem?

I honestly don’t know, but I know that if I continue like this, it won’t turn out well.

Bekka

InsideOut

 

Uhm.. I don’t really know.


Okay well, at this current time I am at college, and I just discovered that someone I know from my first year is here, he started today, and I’m not quite sure what to make of it. Sure it’s great that he got accepted here, its a sort of special college for kids with mental issues like myself.

The reason I’m writing about this is that I don’t really know what to do, I’m confused. I started here with no one knowing me, and suddenly, a person who I’ve gone to school with suddenly appears, I just don’t know how to take it.

Who shall I be, the very happy and always hyper and talkative girl he used to know, or the one in between, who’s very quiet at times, and sometimes in a good mood and talks alittle more than usual?

Fair enough I’ve changed alot since last school year, but I still don’t know.

Argh.. I’m probably just over thinking this, its probably nothing to worry about. But I can’t help it.( I don’t even know why I’m reacting to this!!  gaaaaah! why does everything have to be so bloody difficult?!)

Anyways, I’ll tell you how it goes, if it gets better or what happens.

Bekka

InsideOut

Why do I keep doing this?


It’s been a pretty good day today I think, sure I’m tired and wanna sleep, but when aren’t I tired? (anemic).

I’ve been at my grandparents today, and it was alright, I slipped into who I used to be, the random, smiling, trying-to-be-funny girl, and making others laugh. And do you wanna know what? I loved it, it’s who I want to be, maybe the person I used to be almost four years ago?

I don’t remember who I was or how I felt, it feels like I’ve always been this self destructive depressed girl who can’t even control her own mind or thoughts. But I don’t really know, maybe its been there all the time, or maybe it hasn’t?

Anyways, to direct the focus to the headline, what I mean is that, I’m constantly doing something, but the thing is, I’m never completely aware of it, or maybe I am? I don’t really know. I’ve been doing this all since I’ve been little.

So if I’m in a good mood, I somehow always bring myself down. Like when I was little (my mums words not mine), I got something I really wanted, was excited and happy, then in a blink of an eye I was angry and pissed, for no reason.  And now it’s from happy to sad, I really don’t get it, but yeah, that’s just how I am, even if I’m trying to change it.

Sometimes my mind goes into a state where I purposely listen to sad music and stuff, that I know makes me down, and I have no idea why. I wish I did though.

So far I’ve been having a rather good day (Yay), and I’m hoping it will last, so fingers crossed!

I can’t let myself ruin it this time, I just can’t. I’m even listening to happy music(The midnight beast), still I have this sinking feeling in my stomach. Hopefully it’ll go away though.

But I have a feeling, this second anyways, that it will last, who knows.

Thing positive Think positive Think positive…!

Bekka

InsideOut