Again, my mind won’t allow me to write about what I want, but yet again, I have to fight it to get to the words I need.
Today’s been crap I think, not sure to be completely honest, I don’t remember all of it.
Ever felt like there was only one person keeping you here, sort of your lifeline? Well I do, I always do, because my boyfriend is my lifeline, and not talk to him for a whole day, feels like a week. I miss him terribly, and I need him. He keeps my head above the water and talks about things with me, difficult or random.
I know he won’t be on for a while, at least a couple of days, but a part of me just can’t stop wishing for him to come online and make me smile, I so desperately need it.
Without him it’s like I’m empty, all neutral, nothing matters, I just want to sleep, no reason to be awake, and no reason to smile.
I might sound soppy, but you have no idea what it’s like for me, because, he’s the reason I’m still here, my reason to go on. And if I didn’t have him, then where would I be?
Six feet under.
My mum and others say that I seem to have gotten “better”, whatever that means, but to be completely honest, I haven’t. They also say that since I haven’t cut in 62, almost 63 days, that either my inner monster is getting weaker, or I’m getting stronger, but they just don’t get it, I’m not stronger, the monster is. Yeah sure I’ve stopped cutting, but the urges are still there. And stopping cutting resulted into eating problems, so how can things have gotten better, have I missed something?
I’m going to bed, hoping not to wake up tomorrow.