I haven’t been writing in ages, as you’ve probably noticed, and I guess I’m not entirely sure why either.
It’s hard writing, what used to be so easy, is now very difficult, and the harder it is, the more reason there is to keep doing it. Because even though it hurts, I love writing, I always have. I can’t let this stop me.
Right now I’m just sitting here feeling the pressure/emotional pain, from inside, anxiety, nervous, and I don’t know what. Nor do I know why. Suddenly its scary to be spilling my insides out here, but I know I have to, I have to get better, to keep writing, making progress, getting out of this nightmare.
My mind keeps telling me that I need to write about the past, what I’ve been going through all this time,but I can’t, so I’ll try to focus on right now.
Just sitting here, hearing my mind screaming about what I should be writing, the past, not now, live in the past, the past, the past, the past! Over and over again, but I can’t, I have to move forward, even if it’s taking all I’ve got.
Its telling me all the things I should spill out, all from the past, and the past is, what ever happened after an hour ago from yesterday or last month.
Why is the past so important to my mind? I honestly don’t think I’m in control of it anymore, maybe I never were?
Just writing this is taking so much effort and energy, because I’m fighting myself, the best I can.
Imagine yourself in a car, front seat, and there is two of you, one bad, one good, fighting over the steering wheel. That’s how it used to be, good versus bad, and now? There’s me stuck in the back seat, with the bad side with its hands on the steering wheel, and the good one? I can barely see it.
I’ll stop it here, there might be another one tomorrow, we’ll see.