Why do I keep doing this?


It’s been a pretty good day today I think, sure I’m tired and wanna sleep, but when aren’t I tired? (anemic).

I’ve been at my grandparents today, and it was alright, I slipped into who I used to be, the random, smiling, trying-to-be-funny girl, and making others laugh. And do you wanna know what? I loved it, it’s who I want to be, maybe the person I used to be almost four years ago?

I don’t remember who I was or how I felt, it feels like I’ve always been this self destructive depressed girl who can’t even control her own mind or thoughts. But I don’t really know, maybe its been there all the time, or maybe it hasn’t?

Anyways, to direct the focus to the headline, what I mean is that, I’m constantly doing something, but the thing is, I’m never completely aware of it, or maybe I am? I don’t really know. I’ve been doing this all since I’ve been little.

So if I’m in a good mood, I somehow always bring myself down. Like when I was little (my mums words not mine), I got something I really wanted, was excited and happy, then in a blink of an eye I was angry and pissed, for no reason.  And now it’s from happy to sad, I really don’t get it, but yeah, that’s just how I am, even if I’m trying to change it.

Sometimes my mind goes into a state where I purposely listen to sad music and stuff, that I know makes me down, and I have no idea why. I wish I did though.

So far I’ve been having a rather good day (Yay), and I’m hoping it will last, so fingers crossed!

I can’t let myself ruin it this time, I just can’t. I’m even listening to happy music(The midnight beast), still I have this sinking feeling in my stomach. Hopefully it’ll go away though.

But I have a feeling, this second anyways, that it will last, who knows.

Thing positive Think positive Think positive…!

Bekka

InsideOut

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4 thoughts on “Why do I keep doing this?

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